new blog....

I decided to start a new blog over here if you wanna keep up with me and my shenanigans. Its gonna be over here at www.ashortandhappylife.blogspot.com

I decided not to keep posting my own stuff at this blog, well because this wasnt about me. But the new one will be, and if you enjoyed my writing, then well.....come on over. I'm not going to tell anyone I know about the new blog so i can keep it pretty much as I feel.

Look forward to seeing you there, and again.

Thanks.
D

baby steps......baby.....baby steps

I guess I wanted to update the few readers we had out there with my situation. Also to let you know this will be the last post I make here.  I'm going to create a new blog of my own, and thats coming in the next day or so.  I'll post the link here, and then leave this blog up to kind of serve as a reminder that.....well.... I don't know. I guess my only piece of advice to any guys or gals thinking of having an affair with a married person is......welll.....dont let your heart get involved. Do it for the sex, yes. But don't let yourself get fooled. The things you read on the internet are true.

I hit a really bad spot about a month and a half ago. I was so stricken with depression I couldnt move. I had the hopes of trying to get this relationship to a point where I thought things just might go my way. But every day that passed that I didnt hear from her, or didnt know what was going on, it was all I could think about or even do. Then came a letter from my apartment building the day after I paid my rent that they were choosing to not renew my lease. I guess theres a certain percentage they can raise your rent by in a renew, and to get out of it they just choose not to.

I was stuck, I couldnt move. I felt so sad that everything around me was crumbling. That I didnt have the will to get up. I let my apartment go to shit. I grew a beard. I didnt look for a new place. When the time came and I only had a week left, it was too late. Everything that was reasonably priced was gone. I fucked myself over with my own sadness, and I was choking on it.

Work was cutting my hours as well. The risk I had taken a few months back by accepting a part time job that was paying me more than my full time one was falling to shit as well. It just added to my depression. I felt like such a failure in every aspect of my life. Home, work, and love all just dissolving brick my brick in front of my eyes. Its honestly the lowest point I've ever experienced in my life.  I felt alone, and desolate.

Towards the end of the month I was so exhausted my stress that all I would do is sleep. I talked to a friend and let him know what was going on. With a few days before I needed to move I summoned up the internal muster to find a place, but it wasnt going to be available until September. So without asking this friend told me to just pack up my shit and put it in storage and move in for a month.

So I gathered up my stuff, and I put it in storage, brought the cat along and that situation has been going well. We already spent a ton of time together, adding the sleeping part wasnt a huge deal. I do some cooking and cleaning to kind of make up for the fact that I'm taking up space. But all in all its been good.

Moving sucked, putting my stuff in storage sucked, and saying goodbye to the apartment was bittersweet. It was supposed to be a temporary stay for me anyway, and it survived two failed relationships. I had a lot of memories though, but its probably a good thing I moved.

The new place is in a different neighborhood. A little further away than I'd like, but still within a ten minute walk to the train. I don't really know anything about the neighborhood, or about whats around there, but thats a good thing. There's a good audio slave song called "doesnt remind me". Nothing about the new neighborhood will remind me of her. I'll stop looking for her car. She can stop driving by a place I don't live anymore.  I'll post pics of the new place in my new blog. Its friggin huge! My cats gonna love it for sure. She's already enjoying the more space here. Wait til she see's the new digs.

Work hours have picked up again as well, but I'm actively looking for something new. I also met someone. Just a random kinda meeting that I wasnt expecting. But so far things have been great. We're hanging at a beercade this friday. Should be fun.

So keep your heads up little buccaneers. Good things are most certainly around the corner.  I'll post a link in a few days. Yay!

Au revoir

I am tired. I never wanted things to be like this. I didn't want to have the only communication we had to be quibbling over one thing or another. Or the only way to show that we were thinking about the other to have some number changing/ blog erasing/ permission denying shitty relationship.

After her husband found out, she stopped communicating. Until she posted here, we talked, her husband insisted on her changing her number. I still followed her on twitter, read her blog. I commented on her twitter post. She blocked me on twitter. 

She texted me from her new number claiming she forgot, I commented on her blog and so she blocked that. Took down this blog.  Her only way of communicating with me is hostility, when I've never shown an inch of it towards her. 

So here's the thing. I'm done. I'm done trying. I'm done trying to extend out an olive branch. I'm done trying to be nice and care. I'm just done. 

So, I'll leave things with a song. And I'll put up a couple posts that were never meant to be seen. 

When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire

Over the course of this couple months I've lost everything I've cared deeply about. Maybe I am the bad guy. Maybe this is all karma coming to collect what is due of me. I don't know.

I've lost the promise of a new life coming into this world, the love of a wonderful caring woman, my house, my job situation has hit the shit, I'm putting my cat in temporary housing for a couple months, as well as my belongings. I have no place to call my own anymore. The worst part through all of this is that the one person I could rely on to talk me through all of this mess is gone. Nonexistent in my life. Gone when I needed her most. I don't know what life has in store for me, and quite frankly I'm afraid to find out. Every door that I've gone through in this life has come around to break my heart, and I honestly don't know if I have the courage to do it anymore. I am a thoroughly broken human being.

All I've ever wanted is to belong to someone, to someplace, to be accepted. All I've ever known is to be on the outside looking in. I have always been someones second or third best friend, an acquaintance, an uncle, a cousin. Life has never really revolved around me. Things have never been mine and mine alone.  In K, I thought that I finally had found that someone. The one person that looked at me differently. She did. She looked at me in a way that I had never known before. I was this persons best thing. I could see it in her eyes every time we met in a room, or on the street, or when I answered the door, or the time she collapsed in my arms when she answered hers.

I am screaming for help, for acceptance, for acknowledgement. But those screams are falling on deaf ears.

i know i shouldn't be posting here. i know i shouldn't have any contact at all with him. right now i'm having a really hard time dealing with all of this. i have found out that i am totally not in touch with my emotions at all and that i have no trust in them whatsoever. do i love D? do i love H? i have no idea. my new mantra is "one day at a time." sometimes that brings me peace. but when your dreams are haunting you, sometimes one day can stretch out like forever. like today.
i feel like an addict. just one hit, just one fix, and i'll be fine. but i won't. it will be twice-three-a million times harder to stop. i saw D on wednesday, for a fleeting moment as i drove past him on my way out of work. i heard his voice. it echos in my ears. he doesn't want to stop. he doesn't want to rehabilitate. he is the drug that i need to stay away from. because echoing in those same ears are the tears of my husband. which one will sway me more? which one should be more important? which one will end up winning?
i have no idea.

I dont know nothin about nothin.

She sent me a picture the other day. It haunts me. She is as beautiful as I remember, laying in bed, pillows propped up behind her. Her wonderful face.  Oh how I wish I was laying next to her, silently feeling her body and presence next to me. Feeling secure again in the world. I miss her so terribly. I miss her face.

We've spoke some in the last few days. Its been a nice reprieve from not hearing from her at all. But all I want, all that echoes through me, is this need to see her. To talk to her about everything. To talk to her about nothing. For a hug. For her smell. To give her words and thoughts and feelings I've expressed on paper. To be able to sit and exist without a time limit. Waiting is all I seem to do. Wondering as well.

The fucked up thing about everyone, is that 99.99% of people are just too damn afraid of telling the truth. They are afraid at what it will make them look like, they are afraid of non acceptance. They are unwilling to stand up and say what they truly believe. I've encountered this in my friends when asking for advice. I've watched as people tell people what they want to hear. I've read numerous advice columns on the net. Its all bullshit. I own each and every one of my actions. Am I a bad person? I worried at first what my closest friends would think about me when this all started. I was afraid that I would somehow be viewed as a bad person for this relationship. But when I let them know how I felt, and what was going through my mind, they accepted my actions, one didn't, but we got past it. I can't tell you the last time I lied. It doesnt make me a saint. It just makes my life uncomplicated.

I have so many questions. I am and have always been an open book to her. My want to be understood by her has lead me to that. She is the first person in my life that has got to the core of me. The first person to cut through all the walls and blockades I've put up. She's seen me for me. There have been others that have come close. But there was always something about them that held me back. Something that prevented me from being truly myself, and truly honest.  Most of the times it's been knowledge that they may run, or had half a foot out the door. I never viewed K that way. Anything she wants to know is just a question away. I know she's been honest with me, not 100% forthcoming, but always honest. She's never been afraid to tell me what she wants, or how she wants it. I enjoy that. I think its one of the best things about our relationship. We communicate so well, and its what great relationships are built on.  But I cant have a conversation where I dont know when its going to end.  I hate being at arms length.

I've always treated her like an extension of myself. I try to make her bad days better. I try to listen and serve up a point of view without ever forgetting to let her know that I am on her side. I cheer lead for her. I've always wanted her to get a glimpse of the person I saw through my eyes. When she did something selfless, I'd tell her how amazing she is. I've listened to her wants, no matter how small or seemly insignificant. I'd never hide how I felt, because I've never seen a purpose in it. If I saw something that would make her smile, I'd do it, or I'd buy it. Actions speak louder than words ever could. But all I have left is words.

There's so much that I want to say, so many thoughts and feelings that I just can't convey here. I go places that I tell her I'll be, hoping she'll show up. I look for signs. I look for anything telling me that she wants me to go somewhere, to do something.

I feel adrift.

One year ago

I know, I said I was gone. I know I said I was leaving. Its been an emotional week though, and I'm feeling everything from napoleon to Gandhi this week so I guess I wanted an outlet for my feelings. 

I wanted to post this on June 28th, I wanted to talk about a year ago in our relationship, and about the week that we had together.  My birthday was yesterday. I had a great day overall, I caught up with some old friends, including one friend that I was really close to and that knows everything about our saga. I didn't bring  up current occurrences with this friend. He asked about K, asked how things were going. Asked if her husband found out "for real this time".  Earlier in the day, I had rode my bike and sat at a place that I'd told her I'd meet if we ever became estranged. I sat there for about an hour and a half before I had to go to be on schedule with other plans I had made that day. She didnt show, I know it was in her calendar, and I know she looked at it, and I know without being prompted from the shitty phone that she blames for everything, that she knew it was my birthday.

What I don't know was how hard it was for me not to send me a text, how hard it was for her not to show up at that clock tower where everything began. It makes me incredibly sad to think about how you have to fight every available thought and want to spring into action, not to see or talk to a person that you have such strong feelings for on their birthday.

Last June 28th, K had tickets for a concert that she was really looking forward to. It was something that she had talked about and planned since april. The tickets for said band played on that night and the night after which was my birthday, and I remember telling her that she better not plan on going on my birthday, and that she better be available so she should go the night before. 

The days leading up to the concert, I found someone else that K and I had known through work, that was going to the same concert. I remember being in contact with her, and with K through that time to kind of link them together. It bothered me that she was going alone. I didnt like it. I know she's ok with the fact of doing things by herself. She's a strong woman. But concerts are always more fun when you have someone to enjoy them with. I remember having a cigarette outside of work, and telling this girl...." now I can't be there, so I'm leaving it to you to make sure K has a good time, she's been really looking forward to this." K told me that it was no big deal, but it was a big enough deal for her to knit a choker. It was a big enough deal that I tried to look out for her happiness in anyway I could.

After work that night, I travelled over to my friends house. Of course I was in constant contact with K, and I had just sat down over my my friends house and cracked open a beer when K texted me that our mutual friend might have an extra ticket for the show and wondered if I would come down and see it with them. I stood up and told my friend that I hope you don't mind, but I gotta go. I left his house, didn't even take to stop at home to change and hopped on the train to go to a concert with K. 

When I got there she was all gothed up and looking cute, and I grabbed a seat next to her as the band played, it was a disappointing concert, but we goofed around and texted each other because we couldnt even hear to talk. I remember being jealous then over her  texting her husband during the show. More of a, 'hey......I'm the one that came down here to hang out with you.....pay attention to me", kind of thing. 

After the show our mutual friend grabbed some food with us at a cafe not to far from the venue, all I wished was that K and I could be alone, could enjoy each others company, without our friend knowing the extent of our relationship. We sat and both tried to hurry through food, and got to the point where we left. K and I began walking towards the train, which turned into neither one of us wanting to expedite our travels home, to just walking the entire way, back towards home. We had a great conversation, and when we kind of got back into my area, we stood on the corner and kissed goodbye. We had plans to see each other in a mere few hours at that point, but I didn't want her to leave. I wanted her to come home with me. After the evening we had I just wanted her to be with me, to just do what people do after having an amazing night together. I wanted to fall into bed with her, to make love to her before bed. Its all I thought about all night looking at how wonderful she looked. Instead, we texted a little before bed, and then went to sleep in separate homes. It felt good to me, that she had a good night. That even though the band didnt live up to her expectations that I had a part in making sure she was happy. 

The morning of my birthday, I awoke to a text from K, asking me if I was ready. I was just awake for a little while, happy with the fact that I knew I was going to see her that day. She told me she had to shower and get ready, and was going to be over soon. I showered and went downstairs to wait for her and to get some coffee, we had a full day planned. We were going to travel out to the cemetery, grab some breakfast, and go to the cubs game.

I met her out in front of my apartment and we drove out to the northwest side of the city, during the car ride we talked about life, my family, things in general. I remember sharing with her a song that I couldnt get out of my head that morning. Its a song that whenever I hear it now transplants me to that day, and to thinking about her. We went the grocery store and I bought some flowers. We got into a funny conversation with the woman behind the counter on depleting helium supplies. I don't know what it is about K and I together but we always seem to have the most amazing interactions with the clerks and salespeople at various places we visit.

We got to the cemetery and after some walking we found my moms plot. We sat down on the grass, and I talked and cried about my mom a bit. These amazing storm clouds were developing overhead as we sat and talked. Then on a hot summer afternoon the clouds broke and we walked hand in hand back to her car. She told me she wanted to make love to me before we went to breakfast. Neither one of us wanted to wait to be together in bed, taking care of each other. We arrived at my place and made love. It was nice to be with her that morning. To share my feelings with her, and to express my feelings towards her as well. I never had told her I loved her at that point. I didn't want to put more pressure on the relationship, but I knew we were both in love with each other. It was just a matter of admitting it.

We went to breakfast, and I decided that I'd rather have more time alone with her, than to go to a cubs game that day. Cubs games on my birthday have always been my tradition, it was something that I did every year. This year was different, I was with K. I'd rather just enjoy her company and to be able to express my love for her in private, rather than being out in the elements where I knew it would eat into my time with her.

After breakfast we came back to my place and made love again. We laid in each others arms and discussed what I had planned for the rest of the day, and I told her that I hoped that she could come back out and meet with me and my friends later on that night. She didn't, but we kept in contact through text all evening. I got pretty drunk that night, a lot of the reason why I did was because I was a little sad that she couldn't be with me. I wanted her there with my friends, I wanted her to be an even bigger part of my life. I didn't just want her for half a day, I wanted her for the whole day. I wanted to integrate her into my life, wanted her to know me outside of just the two of us.

Later on she showed me what she wrote about that day. It made my eyes well up. “And at 11am on june 29, there was nowhere else I would rather have been than with him.” Sigh. I felt the same way. All day. Whenever I was with her I felt that way. I never once thought that I'd rather be doing anything else.

I wrote an email and told her that I loved her. I explained my feelings for her as I am always want to do. Its a strange thing being in love with someone who you dont know what future you have with them. Whether or not you can be shut down on any given day, and whether you'll talk to them or see them again.

On july 4th, I had a pretty bad day at work. I talked to her here and there through texts, but being as it was a holiday, I didnt expect to see her. I had planned on having a simple bbq with a couple friends right after work. As I set things up, one of the locals and I nearly got into a fist fight over his harassment of a customer that was still hanging out on the patio. I probably should have not got involved, but its always been something inside of me to help when I could. After a good 15 minutes of telling this guy that I was going to beat his ass. I popped open a beer. Theres nothing like a stress beer sometimes. And then sometimes, especially on a hot summer day, the beers go down a little too easy and the next thing you know you're getting a little sloppy.

I get a text from K that she's riding around, and of course I tell her to come over. She did, and we started talking, and then I accidentally burned her finger on a firework because I forgot that when you light the bottle rocket the fuse kind of shoots back. She got angry and had enough of the whole scene, and I imagine she was worried about being gone from home for a long time. I didn't want her to leave. We had a conversation, about our relationship that we probably shouldn't have had at the time. She left in a bad mood, and I felt awful for things ending that night that way. I wanted her to turn around and come back. I wanted to just give her a hug and a kiss and wish her goodnight. Instead I sat on my porch in a awful mood, pining for anything to make things better.

I loved her longer than I cared to admit at that point. I still do. 

We'll meet again

There's a song that has the title of this post. We'll meet again, dont know where, dont know when, but i know we'll meet again some sunny day. It's a song of hope. Its sang in such that its supposed to be a see ya later, instead of a goodbye. But we tend to do that as people, don't we? We try to make things easier on ourselves, instead of facing the truth.

K contacted me today and let me know that she's leaning towards trying to work things out with her husband. My initial thought was to be angry. I wanted to tell her husband everything. To try to destroy their attempt at rekindling their relationship, even though I think that being as it is, and the fact that he doesnt know everything, is trying to rebuild a faulty home on a an already unsteady foundation.

I've often toiled with the idea of telling him what was going on.

 A: its been the only source of control that I have carried with this relationship. There have been numerous times when I have felt all has been lost, and that I was spinning out of control whereas the fact of telling him might put things back in my favor. As is now. If I told him everything, and I mean everything, he probably would never be able to look at her in the same way ever again. Its a very shitty thing to have control over, someone elses future. I wish I didnt have it. Part of my want of using said power is that its something I could finally be rid of. Once I used it I couldn't use it again. I'd be free of its constant presence in that back of my mind. Its a one use tool, so I could just go merrily on my way afterwards knowing there was shit else I could do. No regrets, as I could finally say there was nothing else I could do.

B: I feel that honesty is the best policy. If it were me, I wouldnt want to live the rest of my life hiding. In fear of more truth being brought to light at some slip, at some uncovering of the facts that weren't known to the other party. The only thing we have in this life is the truth of ourselves, to let others see us in our own light. I know I have faults, I know what my weaknesses entail, and I take solace that I've been truthful about them. I tend to tell a person maybe way more than they are comfortable with. So, when I stumble, or I feel like I may do something that is unbeneficial to the party I am with, I want them to know how, and why, I got there. I want to be understood, and not letting someone know everything robs them of that. Receiving love for the person one presents, cannot be nearly as rewarding as receiving love us for who we truly are.

Regardless of how I feel about the situation, and how at some times I believe that K has put me in a position where I've felt that she wanted me to tell her husband everything, I cannot. I am fallible. I cannot hurt her. I've often told myself that the main reason why I would never fuck her life up, is that I could never intentionally hurt her, even to my own benefit. I've thought about instances where she didnt share that same consideration with me, but, I've wrestled with the idea too long, if I did tell him, and it resulted in the ending of their relationship, which I'm sure it would, I would be left with the fact that I made the decision for her. Which is why I am writing what I am now. I always wanted someone to see me as the greatest person in their life. I was foolish to dream in this instance, that what I felt was reciprocated. Just because I love her more than anyone else ever has, doesnt mean that those feelings were ever mirrored. Its why I've made the decision to walk away. Her actions have lead me to the point where I don't feel loved anymore. She'll never fight for me the way that I have for her. She'll never believe that I'm that one person she doesnt want to live her life without, because that's the decision she's making. Its not easy for me to face these truths, but they are the truth.

With all of this being said, I am going to go. I have reached the point where I have been been bested by an obligation to another human being, or safety, or financial comfort. I am no longer the most viable option, even though I did everything I could. I really did. I chose heart over head at every turnpoint in this relationship, even now,  but even I cant allow myself to be someones plan B. I know she loves her husband, but he hasnt returned that love to her by choice these past years. He hasnt met her life with the same enthusiasm that I have. The fact that this is a better option over what I provide breaks my heart like something that I feel she doesnt realize. In essence, she's told me that she's ok with never seeing me the rest of her life, and its something I couldn't fathom to do to her.

So with that I leave you to this.

K's happiness will always be the primary cause at the root of my actions. Despite expected and known obstacles, I have stayed the path that has always been true to me. When things seemed darkest, I got back up and fought for her. I still would, its just not wanted anymore. Should she decide that happiness is something that shouldn't be out of obligation, rather freely given without request, then hopefully our paths will cross once more. Until then I will continue to live my life knowing that I did everything that I could to show her that I am the man that is meant for her.

I still have hope that words like, closeness, love, joy, and "someday,"  still have meaning in this world. Your faith can be rewarded. It hasn't yet. Maybe someday. Despite everything else I still have hope. I will remain optimistic, and I will always have faith in her.  So until we meet again.....

You give me that funny feeling in my tummy...

It's funny sometimes how life works. I went to bed a couple days ago, just kinda sad. No contact from K, wondering what was going on, what was going to happen. I woke yesterday morning to find that someone had hacked into twitter and sent some bullshit message to everyone in my contact list. K messaged me that I'd been hacked and I set off to change my twitter password. I was glad to hear from her and I messaged her that I was sorry. I guess at that point she came here and saw that I posted, and made a post of her own, and that started us talking a bit.

I can tell when things are bothering her, and when she's distancing herself from me. Not even when its as obvious as it is now. But even in past days when either she was feeling guilty from being with me after having an amazing day out doing anything and everything. I dont like it, but I understand why she does it. Why she withdraws emotionally from me. But I press on, because even when she's distanced, we're still talking. I still want to know about her day. Yesterday instead of getting into everything thats been going on I pressed her about what she was having for lunch. If she was going to enjoy it outside. It's important to me that I tell her to do things like that. It's not like she needs me to remind her that its nice outside and she should have lunch there, its just that I want her to know that I love her enough to let her know that I'm hoping she's making the most out of her day. That she's finding enjoyment, wherever she can find it, even when I cant be around.

So as the day kinda soldiered on I kept telling myself to ask her to see me. I just have this feeling inside of me that wants to ask, wants her to know that I want  to see her, and that I miss her face. I keep thinking about the last time I saw her, we were on my porch after a long night of storms. Her back against a pillar, both of us just pressed up together, cuddling, and talking.

But as I thought about it, it occurred to me. I've never taken K out on a date. We've had full days full of pretty awesome adventures, but I've never asked her "out" before. I got a kind of good nervousness about it, butterflies about asking a woman that you're crazy about out. The idea of giving her, "the whole D, date treatment", kind of excited me. My mind raced of what I would want to do, the things that I'd show her, even after knowing her for all this time. The more I thought about it, and the things I wanted to do, the more nervous I got. I imagined calling her and talking and building up my courage, just like any guy does when he asks out that special lady. But she didnt pick up. Its still amazing to me that even after everything that we've been through, the fact that I've shared my most intimate details with her, have been intimate many many times. have spent whole amazing days with her doing anything and everything, that I still have butterflies over asking her out on a date, and imagining what it would be like. I think its a testament to the person she is, and what she means to me.

It got to a point where I asked her out just to see her though through text, just to meet up and just see each other. She didnt say no, didnt say yes. But I told her no pressure, and that I wanted her to think about it this weekend.  It goes without saying that I hope she does. I still have butterflies thinking about it.

the empty truth of life

today is my friends' anniversary. i know both the guy and the girl equally. they have been married 20 years. they have one kid.

i guess a few years ago, he strayed from the marriage. i guess the wife got too involved with raising the child and was ignoring her husband. plus, he's kind of a jerk. i guess they worked through it, but their relationship isn't one that i strive to emulate. it seems that they just exist on separate planes of entitlement and homeschooling.

anyway, today they posted on FB, "Today makes 20 years of marriage to <wife's name here>. Happy anniversary, my darling! I was right, hasn't been boring yet." she replies to his post with "He gets the award. All this time, I think I am the one that added terrifying twists and turns. I love you so, <pet name here>."

on her FB feed, she posts, "20 years ago in this very house, my matron of honor found me in a bathroom, stalled with curlers stuck haphazardly in my hair. It was around 40° and an outdoor wedding. I was in shock after what might have been 50 unexpected problems. I had not been getting ready with less than 2 hours to go. But then as I married my best friend and the love of my life it all turned out fine. For all this time <husband's name here>, you have been the prize at the end of every difficult day."

and i think, this is all bullshit.

i have never seen them affectionate towards each other. she's about 100+ lbs overweight and he's a boorish pig. they have an amazingly annoying precocious child that can speak 400 languages and can do Organic Chem in her sleep... she's 10. 

their anniversary wailings are just for the pleasure of attention from their friends. i don't think they know the meaning of love anymore than my husband does, but they remain together because no one else would have them. and maybe my husband feels that way. but i don't. i don't have to stay in a loveless marriage because i am afraid of being alone. i don't have to put up with fake, boring bullshit because no one else will ever love me. and even if D wasn't in the picture, i would go off on my own. 

people's disingenuous ramblings of love and togetherness make me want to barf. stop fooling yourselves. you're the only ones who are falling for it. 

it's funny, i didn't even think that D could have been waiting by my car yesterday when i got out of work. i was more concerned about class last night, which i didn't go to.

i have made a mess of my life through lies, deceit, and general debauchery. i am now paying the price. i am staying with my sister for an undisclosed amount of time. i cannot see D or talk to him or have any contact with him at all. and now i have to figure out what i want to do with this mess. and honestly, i have NO idea which path to take. none of them are without their downfalls. but before i just decide to go ahead and repair my marriage or run off with D or sell off all of my stuff and move to Kathmandu, i am going to talk to a professional to make sure whatever i choose to do, it will be in my best interest.

my first appointment is on tuesday. until then, things will stay the way they are. for once, i am looking out for my best interests, whatever the hell those might be.

what's fucked up is that having an affair is an inherently selfish thing, so saying i'm looking out for my best interest sounds like the most hedonistic BS ever. but i've been straddling the line between husband and lover in an attempt to not hurt either one of them. i enjoyed the time with D because he loves me like no one else, but when i wasn't with D, i was with my husband. any alone time was scarce and i've been stressed out beyond belief. staying with my sister has been a nice reprieve, but even then i feel obligated to hang out with her when i get home from work. yesterday, i went to the garden for about 45 minutes, went to her place, then we went out for a walk. all i really wanted to do is sleep. and tonight i have plans for a little while. tomorrow i have the day off and it will be nice to just lay around in bed and not have any pressing plans.

i don't know how long this is going to take. i am going to take as much time as i need, from both guys. the husband seems to be rather amenable to fixing things, but then again, i don't think he's 100%. neither am i. some people i have been talking to seem to see my side of things, but agree that i shouldn't have strayed. yes, but i can't image not having done it.

my sister asked me, "why D?" i just smiled. and then i proceeded to tell her some of the awesome things he's done for me. i think she was uncomfortable with the idea of another man treating me better then my husband does.

i don't know what will happen, but time will tell.

I took the wrong god damned train today

I dont have a lot of time to post this. K and I have been through a lot of shit this last month. I'm not really going to get into that right now, but we're not talking at the moment. By that I mean that she's not talking to me.

Wednesdays, this year for the most part have been "our" day. I'd usually take the train to meet her, or we'd meet up here, or I'd walk her to class. But for the most part we'd always get together on Wednesday. Today was a beautifully gorgeous day out. I was around addison st on the brown line running some errands, took the train back to the connecting train station to go home, but I couldnt shake the thought of taking the train out to see her today. Instead I took the train back home, ended up running into some friends and messing around with them by the house and then downtown.  Theres this graffiti on the side of a building that I see everyday taking the train home. It simply states, "tell her now".  I look at it and before today I knew that I already did tell her, I tell her all the time how I feel. How she makes me feel. Today I did not. Trying to respect her wishes prevented me from telling her that I miss her so much it makes me ache. That I just want to see her and touch her. That I want to hug her, and tell her that I love her. How much all of this sucks without her.

I know the type of day we'd have had together. We'd have rode bikes through a forest preserve, or we would have adventured through evanston, or we'd have found some thrift stores to go to, or we'd have went to the garden, maybe had dinner in some outside cafe. Regardless of what we did, it would have been amazing, because days like today, being outside together, fill us both up with such joy. We just had a long bike riding day not too long ago, and one of my fondest memories of that day was when she took off her helmet, and the wind took her hair a little bit. She had a rosy glow on her face. She looked so beautiful. We crossed a bridge earlier in the day and riding behind her I saw her smile at the majestic scenery that we were witnessing, a bridge, downtown skyline, and her smile at it all. I fell in love with her all over again at that moment.

I had a day today. But not nearly the one I'd have had if I was with her. And it breaks my heart.

shit

well, i guess things are going to change. a lot. my marriage will end. i will move somewhere else. i will have to tell my friends that i fucked up but good. my life will change irreparably. and i am not comfortable with that. i like change, but maybe i like the idea of change more than i actually like change.

i have shit planned. i have Bike the Drive Memorial Day Weekend. i'm supposed to go to a wedding in June. i have a trail race in July. i'm supposed to go to North Carolina in the beginning of September. after that, i got nothing. come december i'll have tons of shit going on. fuck. now what?

i want to take allegra and now i feel like i shouldn't. i want ibuprofen. i want sushi. i want diet pepsi. shit. instead, i'm eating almonds and drinking earl grey... with sugar and not equal. who the hell am i? i said i would never be like this. that i would skydive and run and bike and jump rope and kickbox. and take cold medicine. fuck. why do they make it like this?

what about my friends, my parents? shit. i will have to get a divorce. poor H. he has no idea. he still loves me. i lay awake last night and thought about how i don't want to be married anymore. i want to go to bed when i want, wake up when i want, watch what i want, eat what i want. but i'll miss him. he loves me. i often wonder what would have happened had i never met D. i would probably still be bored out of my mind. i get bored easily.

but for the next 20 fucking years, i won't be bored. fuck. i don't have enough in retirement. i'll be fucking 58 years goddamn years old. i want to go to Nepal. i want a summer home. i don't want to get fat. i was supposed to lose 20 pounds. i hate throwing up. i don't want to squeeze 7 pounds out of my tiny vagina. shit!

shit!

i guess i'm glad i stopped doing lines. heh-heh.

i drank wine over the weekend! OMG! it will be deformed! it will get into U of I and not Yale! crap!! i've doomed it for life!

ugh, then i'll have to hang out with jerky parents and their jerky kids. and school! shit!!!! what the hell am i going to do??! i don't care about of any of that crap!!

FUCK!!!!!

and my past

FILL THIS IN, D!!!!!!!

OK! OK!

I promised K, a few weeks ago that I would make a list of my past lovers, jobs, and locations. And I did! But I was embarassed a little by it so I never published it, and I copy pasta'd all the text so I could just put it on notepad and save it. Notepad crashed and in trying to fix it, I copied something from a web page and all my work was lost. I really do need to get an apple.

So here goes nuffin:

1975- Born- Chicago, IL
1984- Moved- Nekoosa, Wi
1992- Moved- Chicago IL
1993- Worked- McDonalds  Hell yeah, never should have left, I'd be head fry cook by now
1993- Worked Walgreens
1994- (1) Melissa B
1995- (2) Tracy    I remembered her name!!
1995- (3-4) Julie P and Katrina
1995- Julie by herself
1995- Worked at Office Max
1995- Worked Custodian at Midway Airport
1995- (5) Ann
1995- (6) Samantha
1996- Moved to Ft Lauderdale, FL
1996- Worked Ace Hardware
1996- Worked Pier 66 as a valet
1997-Moved Chicago, IL
1997- Samantha again
1997- (\7) Lindsey
1997- (8) Cassandra
1997- (9) Cathy
1997- (10) Beth
1997- (11) Michelle R
1997- (12) Erin K   the only girl I ever asked to marry
1997- Worked North Community Bank
1997- Worked Metro Messenger Service
1997- Worked Office Temp
1997- Walgreens again
1998- (13) Girl from NYE party..sorry i cant remember her name it was that rememberable
1998- (14,15,16,17)  Jenny, Rachel, Heather, and Jane
1998- (18) Candy.....no she wasnt a stripper or a hooker  haha
1999- Worked at Blockbuster
1999- (19) Geraldine
1999- (20) Una
1999- (21) Olvia
2000- (22) Jenny T
2000- (23) Jenny S
2000- (24) Autumn
2000- Worked City of Chicago Dept of Revenue
2000- (25) Victoria
2005- Worked ManPower temp service
2005- Worked FansEdge back of house
2005- Victoria again
2006- (26) Michelle
2006- Made soap!
2006- Worked ManPower again
2007- Moved to Elmwood Park, IL
2008- (27) Cathy at neices wedding
2008- Worked at Starbucks
2009- (28) Terisa
2010- (29) Alex
2012- (30) K.
2012- Worked at Apple

Thats my life in a kinda nutshell. Im sure theres a couple jobs that I messed up, and places and times that might be a little askew. But yeah, A whole ball of suck. Until recently.

Why I'm here or why the hell havent I abandoned ship yet

I never really expected to meet K. She seems like some pipe dream that I once dreamed up laying awake late at night.

I start my new job in the morning. I have a headache from too many cigarettes, and too many beers that have been forced upon myself, by myself to try to get some sleep. But I cant. My thoughts consume me. I think about her always.

I want to tell you all about her. About why I'm here. About why I'd risk falling in love with a married woman, why I'd be able to look into her eyes and see everything I could possibly want in another human being and have it just so close, almost at the figertips. Just grazing them, letting you know that if you just hang in there. Just a little while longer. But this isnt about the wait. Its about the woman.

K and I formed a quick friendship, as a matter of fact, everything about our relationship has been quick. Its not to say that it's been rushed, because it hasn't. But it's been seamless. I think of my relationship with K as that perfect tub of bathwater. You come home beaten by the day, looking for solace, and comfort. So you run yourself a bath. Its that one in a million baths that you run, the one thats just slightly above body temperature that you slide into without a wince. It feels good. Warm, comforting. Just hot enough to release the stress, the tension, but not hot enough to be uncomfortable, but not cold and lipid either. That is how I feel when I am with her. She comes into my viewpoint, and nothing else matters. I am with her now. She that fills me with love. With compassion. With interest.

She and I have an ease about us. Never when we're together is there a lull. But never is it forced either. Its like two streams meeting. Neither one stronger than the other, but a perfect combined determination to flow together. To create oneness. She is the reason I'm here, my purpose for writing.

At first it was friendship. We both needed the attention from the other. She an ignored housewife, and myself a castoff of a relationship I thought full of promise. Feeling dejected I sought solace in her. What I found was so much more. She fixed me up. Made me happy. I was still a little blinded through the process. Not knowing where my bearings lie. But through the fog she was my lighthouse. As the confusion over what it is or what I was doing was lifted I saw her. I saw her for the first time in all of her glory. I saw her for who she is.

She is a caring person. She feels the slight of others, and the slight that others feel. She's compassionate. She cares about giving to those that have had a rough break. She cares about things that are helpless, that are in need. She pitches in. She gives back. It breaks my heart to see her feel like her contributions don't matter. Like she can't give enough. She gives more than most, tries hard to make the world a better place, and asks almost nothing in return. I don't do enough. But if I can give to, and build up a woman that does such great things isnt that enough to make me kind of OK?

I dont mind the opinions of others. I am strong enough to shirk or beat down any notion of the contrary, so I dont mind. I could be the man behind this woman. I could support her and build her up for the things that she was meant for. She is great. She is one of the few people I have met in my life that I would gladly lie down and die for. I would support her with every ounce of my being as she supports all of you. If that is my lot in this life, I would truly die with a smile on my face.

I watch her intently, at first it was to find some flaw. Something I could hitch my hat to and say, "well, thats that then." But it doesn't exist. Its not to say she's perfect. But she gives. All god damned day long. She shops, she picks out things, she grows things from dirt, she makes things by loving hand. I see all of this and want it for my own. Knowing that I could reciprocate, knowing that I could make her feel as appreciated as she should feel. Not from words. not from thank you's. But by meaning.  This is my oath. This is my manifesto.

Nowhere that she goes, and nothing that she does shall ever go unnoticed. Not by me. Her compassion fuels me, he love warms me, her attention drives me. Never again shall I roam.

I told you that I would tell you why I loved her one day and here it is. She is my beacon home.

The last few days at cuddle sharks headquarters

Look. Neither of us knows exactly what the fuck we're doing. We're not experts. I've never been involved with anyone thats been with someone currently, and I know this isnt exactly how K had planned her life going.

K and I hit a bit of a rough patch. We get really close, really fast. When she does I tend to forget that she's married and think of her more like a girlfriend. That's my mistake. I forget that when she leaves me that she has to have time and space to sort of shake the cobwebs free of me, and slip back into her life. But when things are moving quickly, and when they do its a bit of a whirlwind, what happens is that I want more. There's a good saying. "What is happiness? Well, its a moment before you need more happiness."  I can't say that I've ever really met anyone like K before. I think what I enjoy about her most is the conversations. I'm in the customer service field. I talk to hundreds of people on a given day. I've never really enjoyed the conversations that I've had as much as the ones I've had with K.

The day before I took a chance, and went out to see K to talk. We sorted through somethings, and at first things we were a little edgy but she asked if I wanted to go shopping with her, and soon enough, we settled into being K and D again. We play off of each other amazingly well. Theres rarely ever an awkward silence between the two of us, it seems like we always have something to talk about. Two people that are genuinely interested in each others lives, even the mundane shit, is like each other telling some epic tale of monsters eating babies, or something of that nature. When we talk, we get closer, we laugh, we flirt, we just all around just enjoy whatever it is we're doing. Whether I forget to tell her that the cheese she's about to eat tastes like swiss, which she hates, or the fact that she shoves the most awful smelling soap in my nose holes, before telling me, yeah, thats pretty awful.

We took a drive from the store and sat down at an awesome bakery and had some dessert. It was the best part of my day. We tried each others desserts, we held hands, she drank milk!, and for good long moment I forgot everything else in my life and was truly there at that place with her. Nothing else mattered. I have those moments all the time with her, and its really one of the best feelings you can ever have. The feeling of not wanting to be anywhere else but where you are. It didnt matter to me that the gates had opened at the ballpark to where I'm almost religiously there when that happens. Like I said, no place I'd rather be, and when it comes to the Cubs thats saying something.

She dropped me off, I went to the game, and had a pretty damn good day, considering where it had started.

I had taken the train out to meet K today, and our day ended a little prematurely due to her having stuff to do, and the place that we tried to go to was closed due to renovations but in the brief amount of time we did have, I had fun. It was light and easy. I'm trying not to be so pressing on everything, trying to ease back and let us both breath again. It's hard though. I see her and I immediately want to hug her, kiss her, make love to her. Its hard for me to feel passionate about someone I feel so strongly about and have to constrain my emotions.  But things were light. We went to a antique shop, where I made a crude joke about a rusty trombone,  we went to a craft supply place so K could pick up some of the things that she loves most in the world, and then after that we went to an olive oil shop, picked up some chocolates, and I bought K a little silver spoon.  When we candoodle, K and I often end up spooning. She often calls me her big spoon, and that would make her my little spoon. So immediately when I saw them I knew I had to buy her one. I think she was so enamored with the chocolates that she didnt immediately put two and two together until I said," a little spoon for my little spoon". She told me she stuck it in her wallet which means to me that she really enjoyed it.  I contemplated just calling it a day there, so she wouldnt have to drive me all the way home, and because I'm really trying hard to be more of a gentleman and respect her wishes.

The hardest part of this relationship for me has been the time constraints. Theres just so much that I'd like to do with her that I just cant right now. When we were at the antique shop there was an old steam kettle. K mentioned how she'd like to take something like that camping, and immediately I just want to spend a weekend with her outdoors, a campfire, a tent and a million miles between everyone else but the two of us. I'd kill to be able to spend a weekend with her unconstrained. No cell phones, no messages, no emails. Just the two of us finally being able to enjoy each others company. But I didnt say it this time. I held it back. I've said it a thousand times before, she knows that I'd love to do that. I forget sometimes that everytime an idea comes to my head that the other person doesnt have to hear it right then and there.

In a normal relationship there isnt that need to do something all the time. That you know that today may very well be that day you just hang out and watch tv, listen to an album together, cook dinner together. When you're me, when I see her,  you want to go explore and do everything right then and there. You want to make love everytime you see that person. Why? Well because youve been thinking about them for an X amount of days that you havent seen them, and you dont know how many days until you've seen them next. It makes it pressing. It makes it a need to. Its something I know I'm going to have to be better about. I have to let things come to me rather than chase them. Its one of the hardest things in the world for me. I've had to work for everything I have.

So we get back to my place as she's dropping me off outside and she says she has to go, I'm trying as hard as I can not to do what I've done in the past. I'm trying not to be a pain in the ass about leaving, and making things hard on her. But I can feel myself slip. I mope and pout a bit when I dont get what I want from her. Its hard for me not to express that I wish I had more time to hang out, more time to kiss, time to hug, time to have her come upstairs and make love. But what I want most of all is let her know that I'm listening to her. That I care what she wants, and what's going to make her life easier, both for right now, and in the future. If I cant prove I'm that person now, then what chance do I have to prove that I'm going to be that guy for her in the future? So I said, "One more good one." And we kiss passionately and I ask her if she wants more. She says maaaaaaaybe. And thats all I need for today. Just a maybe, just an opportunity to prove that I'm not entirely the guy she's seen these last few months.

I still miss her as soon as she's gone. I didnt text her when she left. I wanted to. I wanted to let her know I've had a great time these last couple days. That I wish that there was more time. I know she know's I'm in love with her. I am. I still can't walk into something that we've either talked about or something that she see's that she likes and not want to buy it for her. That part about me I can't change. She deserves good things in life. She's an amazingly giving person. One day I'll make a post explaining everything about her it is that I fell in love with, but todays not that day.

at what point do you throw in the towel? and what if the other half of your relationship doesn't want that towel to be thrown in? then what? who is right?

i told him i would break his heart. i knew i would. there was no way i could not. despite his assertions to contrary, i could never be happy leaving my husband for another man. i don't care how other people do it, i don't care how the movies do it, i just CANNOT do it. i've tried in the past. and i just can't handle the guilt.

but D tells me that all will be fine. i hate it when he plays spin doctor. like he knows me better than i do. i am not the typical woman who just follows her heart and skips along the primrose path to where ever her man leads her. it makes me very angry when D tells me that i will or won't feel a particular way. ESPECIALLY when i know he's saying this because he wants it to be true. he really doesn't know, he's just saying it because he needs it to be that way in order for things to work out in his favor.

and this is the reason i am at my wits end. when i say, "i don't want this...," this being him staying at the hotel with me, him making plans that require me to come up with a considerable chunk of time, sex, champagne and strawberries in his smoke-filled apartment, he seems to think that i really mean, "i'm not sure." but i'm not like the other girls he's dated. i don't need to give into a man's every whim so he's happy, rather than me. A LOT of girls do that. it's our downfall. our reason for being considered the weaker sex. "the woman behind the man" syndrome. fuck that. i don't care who the fuck you are, if it's going to make me feel like i'd rather be somewhere else, then i'm not going to do it. if i'm going to regret giving in, then i'm not going to.

and someone overriding my feelings makes me very, very angry.

and he does it all the time. he can be pushy, even over-bearing sometimes. i do not like relationships like this. i cannot handle relationships like this. like i'm constantly being crushed. smothered. pulled in a direction i don't want to go in. sometimes it's easier to give in and just go with it. but when i want what i want, and it doesn't jive with what he wants, then it's all-out, throw-down power struggle.

he bought tickets for tonight's baseball game. he didn't take me to last year's opener. as a matter of fact, he went out of his way to ask every girl but me to go. i was pissed. so he bought tickets to the second game of the year. but here's the problem: i don't want to be subjected to his complaining about our relationship for 3 hours. i walked out of his apartment on Friday because i got tired of the power struggle. i am tired of him doing nothing but talking about how much he loves me. how much he wanted (insert event here) to work out so we could just have a good time. because it would make HIM happy. but it never makes me happy. ever. i am always feeling guilty. ALWAYS. and he doesn't care. oh, sure, he says he feels bad, but he never changes anything he does. so he doesn't feel bad enough to actually think about his actions before he does them. so i am taking the actions out of the equation.

i know he can't sit there at the ball game and NOT talk about this crap. and i am TIRED of this talking, talking, talking. there is no resolution that would make both of us happy. and he just doesn't get that. and now, it really doesn't have anything to do with my being married. i seriously, seriously doubt i could date someone who is this into a relationship. i am not romantic. coming down to my hotel room when i expressly said i wanted to be alone ISN'T ROMANTIC. i am not 25. hell, i didn't think it was romantic when i was 25.

i am a cynic. i know that love is just a chemical reaction in the body that eventually goes away. maybe it will mellow into something that can last. maybe you'll just be left standing there wondering what the fuck you were thinking. i do not believe in serendipity, fate, romance. i would rather have something useful than flowers. i would rather have a house than a diamond ring. i would rather have affection than stuff.

but more importantly, i would rather have respect for my feelings than anything else. even if that means that this relationship ends.

and just for the record, i feel AWFUL about breaking my promise to go to the game tonight. it doesn't make me happy to hurt someone else. ever. and he's begging me to go, that i promised, that we'll have a good time. he'll have a good time. i won't. but he doesn't get that.

more feelings

but he does SO MUCH for me. he woke up at 8am to come see me in my 5 mile run. he made me a sign. he would walk to the ends of the earth for me. he's cooked and baked for me. he's bought me some great gifts. he listens to me bitch. he's always there when i'm having a bad day. and when i'm having a good day. i want to make him feel better. i want to give him what he wants. i want to give in.

but i can't right now. so i just end up feeling bad all the time. like right now.

nothing more than....

feelings.

friday was rough. i wasn't in mood for canoodling and i should have spent time with my sister rather than seeing D for 5th time that week. but i promised him that i would have a drink with him to celebrate his new job. 

i thought we'd go out to a bar, but he got champagne and strawberries. i knew this wasn't going to end well. i wasn't in the mood to talk about feelings and have him pose answers i don't have. sometimes i wish he would just be in the moment. sometimes i miss the days when our relationship was easier. i could come and go as i please, we made plans and just had a good time. he didn't hold on so tightly. i'm going to say it: he can be like a woman sometimes. and i have programmed myself to not embrace the over-emotional temperaments that usually define the true meaning of "woman." i also have little patience for it. if i said i don't want it, i don't want to talk about it, i don't want to do it, it means i don't want to do it. and the more you push, the less i'll want to do it.

but here is the reality of having an affair: i have to temper my feelings. i have no choice. it's not like i can give in to all of my whims or his. 

here's an example.

i had a hotel room for saturday night. i was going to be doing something downtown early in the morning, so i stayed down there. at first, my husband was going to stay with me. but he's kind of a stick in the mud, so i asked him to stay home. so i was alone. in a hotel room. downtown. and here is the constant struggle i have. invite D to stay. deal with the awkwardness that might arise trying to hide him from my friends. deal with the guilt of sex. but enjoy just being with him without distraction. have sex in a bed. watch TV. sleep with him. have him be big spoon all night long. BUT. i NEVER get any time to myself. i share a bed with another guy every night. to just be able to stay up as long i want. to do whatever i want. to hog the whole bed. to not worry about snoring. to sleep all night long and not worry about being woke up in the middle of the night. to pee with the bathroom door open. basically: freedom.

but i told him i was alone. he didn't reply on iMessage. i thought he was pissed. then the phone rang. phone? i knew it was him. and i'm instantly torn. turn him down and stay true to what i honestly want but risk breaking his heart even more? or do i let him up and compromise my free time? i let him up. i told him that i was angry. and that he could come in but that he had to leave at 11pm. 

i admire his tenacity, but i had been relaxed until that phone rang. then i was just a whole host of emotions. instead of being flattered i was kind of mad at him. maybe i should have told him explicitly that i wanted to be alone before he even thought about coming down. i'm not sure what to say about it. is he being selfish by just doing whatever he wants in the name of me. i'm not sure if i'm selfish for wanting him to think about NOT doing some of things he does. i am not a 20-something girl. i am a middle-aged woman. for the most part, i know what i want. i know when i want to be alone. i know when i want to talk. and i know it's typical of most guys to think that women would be happy with a guy vying for their attention all the time. but honestly, i'm just too old to be making someone else happy at the sacrifice for my own happiness. that's what most chicks do, and i already do it for H. and i know that D isn't pleased with that, but H beat him to it. 

i'm tired of the compromises that D forces me to make. and it makes me anxious all of the times i have to push him away. i don't want to have to push him away. i think if he gives me some space, if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get a lot more of me. but i have no idea what will happen. maybe i'll love the freedom. actually, i think that's bullshit. every time i push him away and i go a day without hearing talking to him, i get sad. something is missing. but i don't want to tell him that because then i think maybe he'll think that he should just try to talk to me more. i feel like any inch i give to him, he'll try to take a mile from me. so i hold back. i don't like being pressured. 

he left last night, after i had to beg him to. he got caught in the rain and i said something to the effect that my bed was more comfortable with him in it. so he came back!! arrgh! yes, it's romantic... to a much younger woman who isn't trying to go to sleep before a 5 mile race!! this is the kind of thing i wish he would think about before doing it. 

Me:

I hope you're keeping dry

Thank you for coming to see me

D:

It's pouring a little. You never have to thank me sweetheart. It was the best part of my day

Thank you for wanting to see me

I could always come back ;)

Me:

Heh

D:

I'm in a doorway smoking a cigarette

Me:

What doorway?

I can see the lightening really well from the bed

D:

Right outside the hotel. 

Yeah it just opened up as I was walking. 

How I envy that bed

Me:

Boooooo!

It kinda sucks

But I understand what you mean

D:

It's not bad. It was kinda comfy. It has you in it. :)

Me:

:)

It was more comfortable with you in it

D:

Like I said. I can come back. Be there in two shakes of a lambs tail. I waited a bit for you to poke your head back out

But if I do, I'm gonna make love to you like never before 

Me:

:)

I think that's a bad idea

D:

I think it's the most romantic thing that's ever happened in my life. 

But I'm being good. 

Me:

Oh D I'm too practical

D:

Oh tell me you're not swooning a bit

Me:

Of course

D:

I know you're gonna know what I'm gonna say next

We only live once. I'm impractical to offset you're  practibilty

Me:

so true. On both counts

Ok I'm going to sleep

Or try

D:

Lol. I'm in the elevator

Me:

What???

No. Bad boy

D:

Of course I came back

Me:

Go home D

D:

Ok K. 

Me:

Sigh

Where are you now?

Go home silly!

I'm sleeping diagonal on the bed

Taking up every square inch

D:

God damn it I'm still in the hallway

Sigh.

I wanna watch :)

Me:

I am going to sleep alone. 

D:

I didn't want to sleep

Me:

Go home. 

;)

Don't make me feel bad

D:

I won't. I left

You need your sleep

Me:

I do

Random ass Saturday thoughts

Its a beautiful Saturday afternoon here in the city. I'm about to head down to the Art Museum downtown. I'm pretty depressed today. Just kinda sad with a million thoughts running through my mind. I'm waiting on a friend to pick something up from me but when he does, I'm going to go downtown and not waste my day thinking about all of this. Now for me theres no escape from my brain and my thoughts, I'm forced to take them with me unfortunately. But I dont have to do it in this cramped little apartment on such a wonderful warm day.

I decided to go downtown because I woke up at 10am, checked my phone and email, 11am, 12pm. I realized that I'm just going to do this all day if I dont get up and do something. My best friend  is out of town, my other good friend just moved, and my lover is downtown busy with friends all weekend. So I think that until monday, you people are stuck with me.

My brain doesnt quit. Its constantly trying to compute, figure out, go over things said, and unsaid. It tries to make sense of patterns. It tries to answer questions in which you dont have enough information. I went to get a huge Iced coffee and was sitting on my stoop a few minutes ago when I thought. "Why is it we always are fighting before she goes on a race?"  Its only happened twice now. Its really not enough for a pattern to emerge, so why am I thinking it?

I also thought of something that I said to my friend the other night when we were sitting together, discussing life. He asked if I had a good day. This was this wednesday, I saw K. I turned to him and said, " I did everything I could to have the best day possible."  I meant it. I wondered if K could say the same thing. I thought about everyday that way. Yesterday.

I've wanted to get in contact with her since I woke up this morning, I slept like shit, I watched mad men last night, I read and reread what I wrote. Pondered whether I should take it down before she saw it. Wondered if she read it last night, or this morning. I dont know if I will hear from her this weekend. I dont know if she's checking her phone constantly to see if I sent a text. I thought about running downtown to her hotel, but I dont know if her husbands going to be there. I try to give her space when things are like this. I try to give her room to breath, time to think. All the while hoping she misses me, and wants to hear from me enough that she'll send out a beacon to me. Something to guide me back to her. Anyway.....I hope she texts.

I thought about relationships, and how the best you could hope for is this. You find someone you're attracted to, you share a ton of interests and activities that you can share together, but have enough of a life that you dont need to spend every waking hour together. You find someone that cares about you enough that you decide to be a team. You have similar goals, and wants in life. You map out a future, you plan things, you cheer lead that person on when it looks like theyre struggling. You're their comfort, you take care of them when theyre sick, you listen when they had a shitty day and try to make them smile, maybe pat them on the ass. You pick them up things as you wander about, letting them know they're in your thoughts through your day. That even though you're away, they're important enough to you for you to say, while you're with your friends...Hey, I bet K would like that. Or hey, K and I were just talking about these. Because one day you'll be sick, and have that shitty day, one day someone will rub you the wrong way, someday you wont feel as loved as you want to. You hope they do the same for you. You never stop trying to win the love and affection of that person, and them for you.

I have this thing I talk about with cookie jars. Each person starts out with a cookie jar filled with cookies. Everytime you do something for them, you're taking one out of your jar and placing it in theirs. The same goes the opposite way. The problems lie when one persons jar gets empty. Some people give in a relationship, some take.

I'm in love now, I've been in love before. This time is different. K's a little more cynical than I am, she doesnt believe that love is a rare thing. But this is different for me. She's the only person that has inspired me enough to let go completely. I've done things with and for her that I've never done for anyone else. I've never stole for anyone else, I've never been the other man for anyone else, I've never wrote for four days for anyone else, I've never taken a train ride downtown, when I didnt know I was wanted to cheer her on at a race, I've never went and sat at someones house before, waiting for a chance to see them when there was a chance theyd hate me for it. I've never seen so much of my future and happiness open up before. My passion for her has grown, and its not slowed down. I told her yesterday that I love her more today than I did 2 months ago, I just dont see it slowing down.  I'm in love, my hearts on fire, when I'm with her I feel a passion for her and for life that I have never felt.

My final thought for now, I may come back later and post more random shit, is this: I thought about things to look forward to. How important that is, and how I know that K, and I could, within one trip to a coffee shop, could fill up a entire summer of things to look forward to. I sent her a link the other day to a scavenger hunt here in the city in July. I wish I could set that in stone with her. It's something cool to look forward to. I look forward to the things that we have together that are set in stone. We have two ballgames coming up. It means I exist in her life long enough to get to those games. But what happens afterwards? I dont want to stop planning the little short term things. I dont want to stop having something to look forward to.

Well....my friends here and I'm off to see a cool exhibit, where they've taken great works of art and turned them into black and whites. Talk to you a bit later.

The state of being me

It's been a year and a half.

Wednesday, I got some potentially good news. Its been a while for me to receive much good news about anything. It looks like I'd be getting the new job that I've been pining over for awhile. K, and I had been fighting, and by fighting it was more or less me being pushed away. But we talked and things we're getting kind of back to normal. So we had planned to go to a craft store, and then over to a coffee shop and talk about soap and soap making. On my way to see her I got the phone call from the potential employer to set up a time for a new hire orientation. I was so happy, and the only thing I could think about was telling K in person.

When you're not around the person you'd like to be around and you have great news, you just cant wait to see them. You want to spring the news on them and see their expression. See how happy they are for you, you want to share your happiness and triumphs with that person. I was on the train downtown, when she told me she was going to go home because she wasnt feeling well. My heart sunk. I pouted and texted her the news because at that moment I still wanted her to be the first to know, but it wasnt in the way I had hoped it would be. She ended up leaving work early and coming down to see me directly from work but it wasnt what she had planned. I still had a great time seeing her. K, and I always seem to make the mundane pretty damn enjoyable.

That evening after she left I decided to go to the bar to have a couple drinks to celebrate. All I wanted to do was celebrate with her, maybe some friends along too. But we chatted through texts during my time out at the bar, when I said," this just isnt gonna do, I need to have a beer, or some champagne to celebrate. So she told me Friday.

Thursday night after work, I trudged my ass up to target to buy a bottle of champagne and strawberries, and some cups. She's trying to curtail the physical side of our relationship a bit, for many reasons including guilt so I had planned on taking the champagne, strawberries and cups to the lake after she got off of work to just enjoy. I mentioned popping the cork into the lake, the idea seemed pretty cool and romantic to me. So I got the stuff home, popped it into the fridge and let it chill.

Friday rolled around and I just got off of working a short shift. Earlier in the day, I had walked down to the ballpark to pick up our tickets from will call. I was in a pretty good mood all day. At the end of my shift, K asked me what I was doing, and would I like to go to the hardware store with her. Of ccourse I did. I told her I also wanted to have champagne and strawberries, but we agreed she shouldnt do that before driving.  So I walked to the hardware store to meet her, and then she showed up and all was well. We hugged and kissed at the back of the store, and it was great to have that feeling of passion rush back into me. We didnt see anything we wanted so we headed off to another hardware store where I bought her a gumball. I didnt have quarters for the machine, but I broke a dollar to get quarters after she told me not to. She should know I would though. Its a quarter, it made her smile, and happy. Really, its just asking someone for some quarters.  Its the little things.

As we were driving back towards my place she asked me what my pet peevs were. I told her people who were going to be late and not text or call about it, and people that blow people off.  After leaving, which is always a hassle to her about me I'm sure, I went upstairs and started to clean up my place a bit. I wanted to do some dishes and tidy a little before she came. Normally she's out of her house by 5:30, or 6 at the latest, but tonight I didnt hear from her until almost 7. I didnt know if she was doing it on purpose, or if I was being blown off. I didnt know if she was arguing with her husband, or if she had laid down and fell asleep. She could have been having an awesome time with her husband and then decided that she didnt want to come over to see me. I didnt know.  When she did text she told me that she was complaining about everything in the world for about an hour to her husband.

We joked a little as she made her way over, she mentioned to me that she might go into knitting late, or not at all. Which was music to my ears. I wanted to be able to spend some unrushed time with her at my place. Just be able to kick back and talk, enjoy some champagne, eat some strawberries, feed them to her if she'd let me. I told myself I wasnt going to press the sex issue at all. That I was going to try not to go crazy. I really never got the chance.

She came in and laid down on the bed and motioned me towards her. So we laid down together and cuddled. We started kissing and making out a bit. My hands do wander, but I tried not to let them wander anywhere that might be construed as me pushing the envelope. After kissing for a bit she told me that she felt guilty. I know she does. I knew she did. But that gets me talking, because thats what I do. Feelings come up in a conversation, and I want to talk about it. I want to resolve things that I just cant in the time allotted. She tells me that all she wanted to do was come over and have fun and drink champagne. And I ruined it. She didnt say that I did, but I did. Yeah, she didnt have to lay the whole guilt thing on me, and she could have just said, alllllllright wheres the corkscrew. But I talked my way out of all of that. I said I ruined everything, and she took that as a guilt trip, put on her coat and left.

My heart was pounding. I yelled out to her. Its cold as shit out so I threw on a coat and ran outside. I looked down the alley, i ran around the block and saw her car, but she wasnt in it. I forgot shoes. I stood by her car for a second and thought to myself, that I can sprint up three flights of stairs and back down before she gets in her car and leaves. So I did, I ran up the stairs and through on the first pair of shoes I could, and sprinted back down. I ran over to a coffee shop I thought she might be at, peered through the window, nothing, sprinted back to the car, back to the alley, looked down both the streets, sprinted back up to apartment to see if she was there, back down, back up because I forgot my phone. And here she came.

I didnt want this. All I wanted was to be upstairs with the woman that I love celebrating and being together. The champagne and strawberries weren't some sort of gimmick. Its what I do for myself, its what I do for others. The champagne was for me, the strawberries were for her.

She tries her damndest to push me away. She shoves hard. She's told me time and time again, that things will never turn out the way that I want them to. That even if she does leave her husband, it wont be for me. That she doesnt want me to wait. That she doesn't know what she wants. Maybe she wants to be alone.

 Thats fine. I dont want her to leave for me. I dont want her to be with me simply because she feels bad for me, or that she's afraid she might hurt me if she doesn't. I want her to be with me because she wants to be with me. I want her to be with me because she sees something in me that she doesnt see in anyone else. I want her to be with me because she knows I'll be a partner to her, that I'd be there everytime to pick her up when she's down. That everytime we're together she's happy.

How am I going to prove that to her? By leaving when shit gets hard for me? By saying fuck you because you hurt me from time to time. That this is too hard for me? That she isnt important enough to me to wait for? I'm not every other man in your life. I'm not putting in a half assed effort. I know what I want. She doesnt. So I'll wait. I'm not going to get what I want by walking away. Ever.

She called me a doormat tonight, and I wanted to punch something.  She took it back right away, but maybe she does think I am. I've tried to prove that I am strong. I tried to prove I could be her rock. Why is this ok with me? Because it has to be ok with me. I try to stay positive for her. She doesnt need the negative shit in her life. She has enough of it already. This relationship of ours is hard enough already. It stresses her out, it makes her feel guilty. So I stay positive. When shes having a bad day, I joke with her. I make her smile. It makes me feel damn important to her that I do. It makes me feel good when I do it.

I do feel bad though. I get upset, angry, sad, hurt. At this point in our relationship I just dont have the option of being like that all the time. I try to remember that this is a biproduct of the nature of this relationship. I cry. I swear. I want to throw things across the room when it feels like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I get pissed at her husband. I get pissed at her. I want to scream, "I bet if your husband did something like this for you, you wouldnt get up in a huff and leave."  I get angry because I feel that I don't have any control. I dont have any say. I get angry because if any little thing goes right between her and her husband I get pushed away. I get angry because I do all the things she'd like her husband to do, and it would be a huge deal if he did any of them. Even if she had to ask. But when I do something grandiose, it gets shit on. Yeah, I get it. She's married, thats her husband. Take that piece of paper out of the equation and what do ya got?

She made a list earlier in this blog, and I've already did or attempted to do all of them. Not because she asked, but because its what I wanted to do with her.  She's going to stay at a hotel this weekend. I'd kill to be invited, will I? Probably not. For the past year, all i wanted was to sleep in the same bed as her. She knows this. She knows I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd wake up and cheer her on at her race. How do I know? Because I've done it already. I did it because it made me feel good doing it.  I have a picture of her from that day. She looks so amazingly fucking happy.

Look, I dont pretend to know everything. But what I do know is how to make her happy. She makes me happy too. Not tonight. But so fucking happy enough when we are together that I'm not going to stop trying. I'm not going to walk away. I'm going to be walked away from. I will not let this opportunity pass me by. I refuse.

The champagne and strawberries remain untouched on my table. I'm hoping that on her way home from her thing tonight that she wants to reach out and talk to me. To call me, to say whatever it is thats in her heart. Hoping beyond hope is that she'd come back.  I'd like for her to reach out to me sometimes after hurting me and try to make it up to me. This was kind of important to me.I know its not gonna happen. But I'd do it for her. Even when we fight, I still want to talk to her as soon as she's gone.