The state of being me

It's been a year and a half.

Wednesday, I got some potentially good news. Its been a while for me to receive much good news about anything. It looks like I'd be getting the new job that I've been pining over for awhile. K, and I had been fighting, and by fighting it was more or less me being pushed away. But we talked and things we're getting kind of back to normal. So we had planned to go to a craft store, and then over to a coffee shop and talk about soap and soap making. On my way to see her I got the phone call from the potential employer to set up a time for a new hire orientation. I was so happy, and the only thing I could think about was telling K in person.

When you're not around the person you'd like to be around and you have great news, you just cant wait to see them. You want to spring the news on them and see their expression. See how happy they are for you, you want to share your happiness and triumphs with that person. I was on the train downtown, when she told me she was going to go home because she wasnt feeling well. My heart sunk. I pouted and texted her the news because at that moment I still wanted her to be the first to know, but it wasnt in the way I had hoped it would be. She ended up leaving work early and coming down to see me directly from work but it wasnt what she had planned. I still had a great time seeing her. K, and I always seem to make the mundane pretty damn enjoyable.

That evening after she left I decided to go to the bar to have a couple drinks to celebrate. All I wanted to do was celebrate with her, maybe some friends along too. But we chatted through texts during my time out at the bar, when I said," this just isnt gonna do, I need to have a beer, or some champagne to celebrate. So she told me Friday.

Thursday night after work, I trudged my ass up to target to buy a bottle of champagne and strawberries, and some cups. She's trying to curtail the physical side of our relationship a bit, for many reasons including guilt so I had planned on taking the champagne, strawberries and cups to the lake after she got off of work to just enjoy. I mentioned popping the cork into the lake, the idea seemed pretty cool and romantic to me. So I got the stuff home, popped it into the fridge and let it chill.

Friday rolled around and I just got off of working a short shift. Earlier in the day, I had walked down to the ballpark to pick up our tickets from will call. I was in a pretty good mood all day. At the end of my shift, K asked me what I was doing, and would I like to go to the hardware store with her. Of ccourse I did. I told her I also wanted to have champagne and strawberries, but we agreed she shouldnt do that before driving.  So I walked to the hardware store to meet her, and then she showed up and all was well. We hugged and kissed at the back of the store, and it was great to have that feeling of passion rush back into me. We didnt see anything we wanted so we headed off to another hardware store where I bought her a gumball. I didnt have quarters for the machine, but I broke a dollar to get quarters after she told me not to. She should know I would though. Its a quarter, it made her smile, and happy. Really, its just asking someone for some quarters.  Its the little things.

As we were driving back towards my place she asked me what my pet peevs were. I told her people who were going to be late and not text or call about it, and people that blow people off.  After leaving, which is always a hassle to her about me I'm sure, I went upstairs and started to clean up my place a bit. I wanted to do some dishes and tidy a little before she came. Normally she's out of her house by 5:30, or 6 at the latest, but tonight I didnt hear from her until almost 7. I didnt know if she was doing it on purpose, or if I was being blown off. I didnt know if she was arguing with her husband, or if she had laid down and fell asleep. She could have been having an awesome time with her husband and then decided that she didnt want to come over to see me. I didnt know.  When she did text she told me that she was complaining about everything in the world for about an hour to her husband.

We joked a little as she made her way over, she mentioned to me that she might go into knitting late, or not at all. Which was music to my ears. I wanted to be able to spend some unrushed time with her at my place. Just be able to kick back and talk, enjoy some champagne, eat some strawberries, feed them to her if she'd let me. I told myself I wasnt going to press the sex issue at all. That I was going to try not to go crazy. I really never got the chance.

She came in and laid down on the bed and motioned me towards her. So we laid down together and cuddled. We started kissing and making out a bit. My hands do wander, but I tried not to let them wander anywhere that might be construed as me pushing the envelope. After kissing for a bit she told me that she felt guilty. I know she does. I knew she did. But that gets me talking, because thats what I do. Feelings come up in a conversation, and I want to talk about it. I want to resolve things that I just cant in the time allotted. She tells me that all she wanted to do was come over and have fun and drink champagne. And I ruined it. She didnt say that I did, but I did. Yeah, she didnt have to lay the whole guilt thing on me, and she could have just said, alllllllright wheres the corkscrew. But I talked my way out of all of that. I said I ruined everything, and she took that as a guilt trip, put on her coat and left.

My heart was pounding. I yelled out to her. Its cold as shit out so I threw on a coat and ran outside. I looked down the alley, i ran around the block and saw her car, but she wasnt in it. I forgot shoes. I stood by her car for a second and thought to myself, that I can sprint up three flights of stairs and back down before she gets in her car and leaves. So I did, I ran up the stairs and through on the first pair of shoes I could, and sprinted back down. I ran over to a coffee shop I thought she might be at, peered through the window, nothing, sprinted back to the car, back to the alley, looked down both the streets, sprinted back up to apartment to see if she was there, back down, back up because I forgot my phone. And here she came.

I didnt want this. All I wanted was to be upstairs with the woman that I love celebrating and being together. The champagne and strawberries weren't some sort of gimmick. Its what I do for myself, its what I do for others. The champagne was for me, the strawberries were for her.

She tries her damndest to push me away. She shoves hard. She's told me time and time again, that things will never turn out the way that I want them to. That even if she does leave her husband, it wont be for me. That she doesnt want me to wait. That she doesn't know what she wants. Maybe she wants to be alone.

 Thats fine. I dont want her to leave for me. I dont want her to be with me simply because she feels bad for me, or that she's afraid she might hurt me if she doesn't. I want her to be with me because she wants to be with me. I want her to be with me because she sees something in me that she doesnt see in anyone else. I want her to be with me because she knows I'll be a partner to her, that I'd be there everytime to pick her up when she's down. That everytime we're together she's happy.

How am I going to prove that to her? By leaving when shit gets hard for me? By saying fuck you because you hurt me from time to time. That this is too hard for me? That she isnt important enough to me to wait for? I'm not every other man in your life. I'm not putting in a half assed effort. I know what I want. She doesnt. So I'll wait. I'm not going to get what I want by walking away. Ever.

She called me a doormat tonight, and I wanted to punch something.  She took it back right away, but maybe she does think I am. I've tried to prove that I am strong. I tried to prove I could be her rock. Why is this ok with me? Because it has to be ok with me. I try to stay positive for her. She doesnt need the negative shit in her life. She has enough of it already. This relationship of ours is hard enough already. It stresses her out, it makes her feel guilty. So I stay positive. When shes having a bad day, I joke with her. I make her smile. It makes me feel damn important to her that I do. It makes me feel good when I do it.

I do feel bad though. I get upset, angry, sad, hurt. At this point in our relationship I just dont have the option of being like that all the time. I try to remember that this is a biproduct of the nature of this relationship. I cry. I swear. I want to throw things across the room when it feels like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I get pissed at her husband. I get pissed at her. I want to scream, "I bet if your husband did something like this for you, you wouldnt get up in a huff and leave."  I get angry because I feel that I don't have any control. I dont have any say. I get angry because if any little thing goes right between her and her husband I get pushed away. I get angry because I do all the things she'd like her husband to do, and it would be a huge deal if he did any of them. Even if she had to ask. But when I do something grandiose, it gets shit on. Yeah, I get it. She's married, thats her husband. Take that piece of paper out of the equation and what do ya got?

She made a list earlier in this blog, and I've already did or attempted to do all of them. Not because she asked, but because its what I wanted to do with her.  She's going to stay at a hotel this weekend. I'd kill to be invited, will I? Probably not. For the past year, all i wanted was to sleep in the same bed as her. She knows this. She knows I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd wake up and cheer her on at her race. How do I know? Because I've done it already. I did it because it made me feel good doing it.  I have a picture of her from that day. She looks so amazingly fucking happy.

Look, I dont pretend to know everything. But what I do know is how to make her happy. She makes me happy too. Not tonight. But so fucking happy enough when we are together that I'm not going to stop trying. I'm not going to walk away. I'm going to be walked away from. I will not let this opportunity pass me by. I refuse.

The champagne and strawberries remain untouched on my table. I'm hoping that on her way home from her thing tonight that she wants to reach out and talk to me. To call me, to say whatever it is thats in her heart. Hoping beyond hope is that she'd come back.  I'd like for her to reach out to me sometimes after hurting me and try to make it up to me. This was kind of important to me.I know its not gonna happen. But I'd do it for her. Even when we fight, I still want to talk to her as soon as she's gone.