It's funny sometimes how life works. I went to bed a couple days ago, just kinda sad. No contact from K, wondering what was going on, what was going to happen. I woke yesterday morning to find that someone had hacked into twitter and sent some bullshit message to everyone in my contact list. K messaged me that I'd been hacked and I set off to change my twitter password. I was glad to hear from her and I messaged her that I was sorry. I guess at that point she came here and saw that I posted, and made a post of her own, and that started us talking a bit.
I can tell when things are bothering her, and when she's distancing herself from me. Not even when its as obvious as it is now. But even in past days when either she was feeling guilty from being with me after having an amazing day out doing anything and everything. I dont like it, but I understand why she does it. Why she withdraws emotionally from me. But I press on, because even when she's distanced, we're still talking. I still want to know about her day. Yesterday instead of getting into everything thats been going on I pressed her about what she was having for lunch. If she was going to enjoy it outside. It's important to me that I tell her to do things like that. It's not like she needs me to remind her that its nice outside and she should have lunch there, its just that I want her to know that I love her enough to let her know that I'm hoping she's making the most out of her day. That she's finding enjoyment, wherever she can find it, even when I cant be around.
So as the day kinda soldiered on I kept telling myself to ask her to see me. I just have this feeling inside of me that wants to ask, wants her to know that I want to see her, and that I miss her face. I keep thinking about the last time I saw her, we were on my porch after a long night of storms. Her back against a pillar, both of us just pressed up together, cuddling, and talking.
But as I thought about it, it occurred to me. I've never taken K out on a date. We've had full days full of pretty awesome adventures, but I've never asked her "out" before. I got a kind of good nervousness about it, butterflies about asking a woman that you're crazy about out. The idea of giving her, "the whole D, date treatment", kind of excited me. My mind raced of what I would want to do, the things that I'd show her, even after knowing her for all this time. The more I thought about it, and the things I wanted to do, the more nervous I got. I imagined calling her and talking and building up my courage, just like any guy does when he asks out that special lady. But she didnt pick up. Its still amazing to me that even after everything that we've been through, the fact that I've shared my most intimate details with her, have been intimate many many times. have spent whole amazing days with her doing anything and everything, that I still have butterflies over asking her out on a date, and imagining what it would be like. I think its a testament to the person she is, and what she means to me.
It got to a point where I asked her out just to see her though through text, just to meet up and just see each other. She didnt say no, didnt say yes. But I told her no pressure, and that I wanted her to think about it this weekend. It goes without saying that I hope she does. I still have butterflies thinking about it.
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