One year ago

I know, I said I was gone. I know I said I was leaving. Its been an emotional week though, and I'm feeling everything from napoleon to Gandhi this week so I guess I wanted an outlet for my feelings. 

I wanted to post this on June 28th, I wanted to talk about a year ago in our relationship, and about the week that we had together.  My birthday was yesterday. I had a great day overall, I caught up with some old friends, including one friend that I was really close to and that knows everything about our saga. I didn't bring  up current occurrences with this friend. He asked about K, asked how things were going. Asked if her husband found out "for real this time".  Earlier in the day, I had rode my bike and sat at a place that I'd told her I'd meet if we ever became estranged. I sat there for about an hour and a half before I had to go to be on schedule with other plans I had made that day. She didnt show, I know it was in her calendar, and I know she looked at it, and I know without being prompted from the shitty phone that she blames for everything, that she knew it was my birthday.

What I don't know was how hard it was for me not to send me a text, how hard it was for her not to show up at that clock tower where everything began. It makes me incredibly sad to think about how you have to fight every available thought and want to spring into action, not to see or talk to a person that you have such strong feelings for on their birthday.

Last June 28th, K had tickets for a concert that she was really looking forward to. It was something that she had talked about and planned since april. The tickets for said band played on that night and the night after which was my birthday, and I remember telling her that she better not plan on going on my birthday, and that she better be available so she should go the night before. 

The days leading up to the concert, I found someone else that K and I had known through work, that was going to the same concert. I remember being in contact with her, and with K through that time to kind of link them together. It bothered me that she was going alone. I didnt like it. I know she's ok with the fact of doing things by herself. She's a strong woman. But concerts are always more fun when you have someone to enjoy them with. I remember having a cigarette outside of work, and telling this girl...." now I can't be there, so I'm leaving it to you to make sure K has a good time, she's been really looking forward to this." K told me that it was no big deal, but it was a big enough deal for her to knit a choker. It was a big enough deal that I tried to look out for her happiness in anyway I could.

After work that night, I travelled over to my friends house. Of course I was in constant contact with K, and I had just sat down over my my friends house and cracked open a beer when K texted me that our mutual friend might have an extra ticket for the show and wondered if I would come down and see it with them. I stood up and told my friend that I hope you don't mind, but I gotta go. I left his house, didn't even take to stop at home to change and hopped on the train to go to a concert with K. 

When I got there she was all gothed up and looking cute, and I grabbed a seat next to her as the band played, it was a disappointing concert, but we goofed around and texted each other because we couldnt even hear to talk. I remember being jealous then over her  texting her husband during the show. More of a, 'hey......I'm the one that came down here to hang out with you.....pay attention to me", kind of thing. 

After the show our mutual friend grabbed some food with us at a cafe not to far from the venue, all I wished was that K and I could be alone, could enjoy each others company, without our friend knowing the extent of our relationship. We sat and both tried to hurry through food, and got to the point where we left. K and I began walking towards the train, which turned into neither one of us wanting to expedite our travels home, to just walking the entire way, back towards home. We had a great conversation, and when we kind of got back into my area, we stood on the corner and kissed goodbye. We had plans to see each other in a mere few hours at that point, but I didn't want her to leave. I wanted her to come home with me. After the evening we had I just wanted her to be with me, to just do what people do after having an amazing night together. I wanted to fall into bed with her, to make love to her before bed. Its all I thought about all night looking at how wonderful she looked. Instead, we texted a little before bed, and then went to sleep in separate homes. It felt good to me, that she had a good night. That even though the band didnt live up to her expectations that I had a part in making sure she was happy. 

The morning of my birthday, I awoke to a text from K, asking me if I was ready. I was just awake for a little while, happy with the fact that I knew I was going to see her that day. She told me she had to shower and get ready, and was going to be over soon. I showered and went downstairs to wait for her and to get some coffee, we had a full day planned. We were going to travel out to the cemetery, grab some breakfast, and go to the cubs game.

I met her out in front of my apartment and we drove out to the northwest side of the city, during the car ride we talked about life, my family, things in general. I remember sharing with her a song that I couldnt get out of my head that morning. Its a song that whenever I hear it now transplants me to that day, and to thinking about her. We went the grocery store and I bought some flowers. We got into a funny conversation with the woman behind the counter on depleting helium supplies. I don't know what it is about K and I together but we always seem to have the most amazing interactions with the clerks and salespeople at various places we visit.

We got to the cemetery and after some walking we found my moms plot. We sat down on the grass, and I talked and cried about my mom a bit. These amazing storm clouds were developing overhead as we sat and talked. Then on a hot summer afternoon the clouds broke and we walked hand in hand back to her car. She told me she wanted to make love to me before we went to breakfast. Neither one of us wanted to wait to be together in bed, taking care of each other. We arrived at my place and made love. It was nice to be with her that morning. To share my feelings with her, and to express my feelings towards her as well. I never had told her I loved her at that point. I didn't want to put more pressure on the relationship, but I knew we were both in love with each other. It was just a matter of admitting it.

We went to breakfast, and I decided that I'd rather have more time alone with her, than to go to a cubs game that day. Cubs games on my birthday have always been my tradition, it was something that I did every year. This year was different, I was with K. I'd rather just enjoy her company and to be able to express my love for her in private, rather than being out in the elements where I knew it would eat into my time with her.

After breakfast we came back to my place and made love again. We laid in each others arms and discussed what I had planned for the rest of the day, and I told her that I hoped that she could come back out and meet with me and my friends later on that night. She didn't, but we kept in contact through text all evening. I got pretty drunk that night, a lot of the reason why I did was because I was a little sad that she couldn't be with me. I wanted her there with my friends, I wanted her to be an even bigger part of my life. I didn't just want her for half a day, I wanted her for the whole day. I wanted to integrate her into my life, wanted her to know me outside of just the two of us.

Later on she showed me what she wrote about that day. It made my eyes well up. “And at 11am on june 29, there was nowhere else I would rather have been than with him.” Sigh. I felt the same way. All day. Whenever I was with her I felt that way. I never once thought that I'd rather be doing anything else.

I wrote an email and told her that I loved her. I explained my feelings for her as I am always want to do. Its a strange thing being in love with someone who you dont know what future you have with them. Whether or not you can be shut down on any given day, and whether you'll talk to them or see them again.

On july 4th, I had a pretty bad day at work. I talked to her here and there through texts, but being as it was a holiday, I didnt expect to see her. I had planned on having a simple bbq with a couple friends right after work. As I set things up, one of the locals and I nearly got into a fist fight over his harassment of a customer that was still hanging out on the patio. I probably should have not got involved, but its always been something inside of me to help when I could. After a good 15 minutes of telling this guy that I was going to beat his ass. I popped open a beer. Theres nothing like a stress beer sometimes. And then sometimes, especially on a hot summer day, the beers go down a little too easy and the next thing you know you're getting a little sloppy.

I get a text from K that she's riding around, and of course I tell her to come over. She did, and we started talking, and then I accidentally burned her finger on a firework because I forgot that when you light the bottle rocket the fuse kind of shoots back. She got angry and had enough of the whole scene, and I imagine she was worried about being gone from home for a long time. I didn't want her to leave. We had a conversation, about our relationship that we probably shouldn't have had at the time. She left in a bad mood, and I felt awful for things ending that night that way. I wanted her to turn around and come back. I wanted to just give her a hug and a kiss and wish her goodnight. Instead I sat on my porch in a awful mood, pining for anything to make things better.

I loved her longer than I cared to admit at that point. I still do.