I took the wrong god damned train today

I dont have a lot of time to post this. K and I have been through a lot of shit this last month. I'm not really going to get into that right now, but we're not talking at the moment. By that I mean that she's not talking to me.

Wednesdays, this year for the most part have been "our" day. I'd usually take the train to meet her, or we'd meet up here, or I'd walk her to class. But for the most part we'd always get together on Wednesday. Today was a beautifully gorgeous day out. I was around addison st on the brown line running some errands, took the train back to the connecting train station to go home, but I couldnt shake the thought of taking the train out to see her today. Instead I took the train back home, ended up running into some friends and messing around with them by the house and then downtown.  Theres this graffiti on the side of a building that I see everyday taking the train home. It simply states, "tell her now".  I look at it and before today I knew that I already did tell her, I tell her all the time how I feel. How she makes me feel. Today I did not. Trying to respect her wishes prevented me from telling her that I miss her so much it makes me ache. That I just want to see her and touch her. That I want to hug her, and tell her that I love her. How much all of this sucks without her.

I know the type of day we'd have had together. We'd have rode bikes through a forest preserve, or we would have adventured through evanston, or we'd have found some thrift stores to go to, or we'd have went to the garden, maybe had dinner in some outside cafe. Regardless of what we did, it would have been amazing, because days like today, being outside together, fill us both up with such joy. We just had a long bike riding day not too long ago, and one of my fondest memories of that day was when she took off her helmet, and the wind took her hair a little bit. She had a rosy glow on her face. She looked so beautiful. We crossed a bridge earlier in the day and riding behind her I saw her smile at the majestic scenery that we were witnessing, a bridge, downtown skyline, and her smile at it all. I fell in love with her all over again at that moment.

I had a day today. But not nearly the one I'd have had if I was with her. And it breaks my heart.