at what point do you throw in the towel? and what if the other half of your relationship doesn't want that towel to be thrown in? then what? who is right?

i told him i would break his heart. i knew i would. there was no way i could not. despite his assertions to contrary, i could never be happy leaving my husband for another man. i don't care how other people do it, i don't care how the movies do it, i just CANNOT do it. i've tried in the past. and i just can't handle the guilt.

but D tells me that all will be fine. i hate it when he plays spin doctor. like he knows me better than i do. i am not the typical woman who just follows her heart and skips along the primrose path to where ever her man leads her. it makes me very angry when D tells me that i will or won't feel a particular way. ESPECIALLY when i know he's saying this because he wants it to be true. he really doesn't know, he's just saying it because he needs it to be that way in order for things to work out in his favor.

and this is the reason i am at my wits end. when i say, "i don't want this...," this being him staying at the hotel with me, him making plans that require me to come up with a considerable chunk of time, sex, champagne and strawberries in his smoke-filled apartment, he seems to think that i really mean, "i'm not sure." but i'm not like the other girls he's dated. i don't need to give into a man's every whim so he's happy, rather than me. A LOT of girls do that. it's our downfall. our reason for being considered the weaker sex. "the woman behind the man" syndrome. fuck that. i don't care who the fuck you are, if it's going to make me feel like i'd rather be somewhere else, then i'm not going to do it. if i'm going to regret giving in, then i'm not going to.

and someone overriding my feelings makes me very, very angry.

and he does it all the time. he can be pushy, even over-bearing sometimes. i do not like relationships like this. i cannot handle relationships like this. like i'm constantly being crushed. smothered. pulled in a direction i don't want to go in. sometimes it's easier to give in and just go with it. but when i want what i want, and it doesn't jive with what he wants, then it's all-out, throw-down power struggle.

he bought tickets for tonight's baseball game. he didn't take me to last year's opener. as a matter of fact, he went out of his way to ask every girl but me to go. i was pissed. so he bought tickets to the second game of the year. but here's the problem: i don't want to be subjected to his complaining about our relationship for 3 hours. i walked out of his apartment on Friday because i got tired of the power struggle. i am tired of him doing nothing but talking about how much he loves me. how much he wanted (insert event here) to work out so we could just have a good time. because it would make HIM happy. but it never makes me happy. ever. i am always feeling guilty. ALWAYS. and he doesn't care. oh, sure, he says he feels bad, but he never changes anything he does. so he doesn't feel bad enough to actually think about his actions before he does them. so i am taking the actions out of the equation.

i know he can't sit there at the ball game and NOT talk about this crap. and i am TIRED of this talking, talking, talking. there is no resolution that would make both of us happy. and he just doesn't get that. and now, it really doesn't have anything to do with my being married. i seriously, seriously doubt i could date someone who is this into a relationship. i am not romantic. coming down to my hotel room when i expressly said i wanted to be alone ISN'T ROMANTIC. i am not 25. hell, i didn't think it was romantic when i was 25.

i am a cynic. i know that love is just a chemical reaction in the body that eventually goes away. maybe it will mellow into something that can last. maybe you'll just be left standing there wondering what the fuck you were thinking. i do not believe in serendipity, fate, romance. i would rather have something useful than flowers. i would rather have a house than a diamond ring. i would rather have affection than stuff.

but more importantly, i would rather have respect for my feelings than anything else. even if that means that this relationship ends.

and just for the record, i feel AWFUL about breaking my promise to go to the game tonight. it doesn't make me happy to hurt someone else. ever. and he's begging me to go, that i promised, that we'll have a good time. he'll have a good time. i won't. but he doesn't get that.