it's funny, i didn't even think that D could have been waiting by my car yesterday when i got out of work. i was more concerned about class last night, which i didn't go to.

i have made a mess of my life through lies, deceit, and general debauchery. i am now paying the price. i am staying with my sister for an undisclosed amount of time. i cannot see D or talk to him or have any contact with him at all. and now i have to figure out what i want to do with this mess. and honestly, i have NO idea which path to take. none of them are without their downfalls. but before i just decide to go ahead and repair my marriage or run off with D or sell off all of my stuff and move to Kathmandu, i am going to talk to a professional to make sure whatever i choose to do, it will be in my best interest.

my first appointment is on tuesday. until then, things will stay the way they are. for once, i am looking out for my best interests, whatever the hell those might be.

what's fucked up is that having an affair is an inherently selfish thing, so saying i'm looking out for my best interest sounds like the most hedonistic BS ever. but i've been straddling the line between husband and lover in an attempt to not hurt either one of them. i enjoyed the time with D because he loves me like no one else, but when i wasn't with D, i was with my husband. any alone time was scarce and i've been stressed out beyond belief. staying with my sister has been a nice reprieve, but even then i feel obligated to hang out with her when i get home from work. yesterday, i went to the garden for about 45 minutes, went to her place, then we went out for a walk. all i really wanted to do is sleep. and tonight i have plans for a little while. tomorrow i have the day off and it will be nice to just lay around in bed and not have any pressing plans.

i don't know how long this is going to take. i am going to take as much time as i need, from both guys. the husband seems to be rather amenable to fixing things, but then again, i don't think he's 100%. neither am i. some people i have been talking to seem to see my side of things, but agree that i shouldn't have strayed. yes, but i can't image not having done it.

my sister asked me, "why D?" i just smiled. and then i proceeded to tell her some of the awesome things he's done for me. i think she was uncomfortable with the idea of another man treating me better then my husband does.

i don't know what will happen, but time will tell.