new blog....

I decided to start a new blog over here if you wanna keep up with me and my shenanigans. Its gonna be over here at www.ashortandhappylife.blogspot.com

I decided not to keep posting my own stuff at this blog, well because this wasnt about me. But the new one will be, and if you enjoyed my writing, then well.....come on over. I'm not going to tell anyone I know about the new blog so i can keep it pretty much as I feel.

Look forward to seeing you there, and again.

Thanks.
D

baby steps......baby.....baby steps

I guess I wanted to update the few readers we had out there with my situation. Also to let you know this will be the last post I make here.  I'm going to create a new blog of my own, and thats coming in the next day or so.  I'll post the link here, and then leave this blog up to kind of serve as a reminder that.....well.... I don't know. I guess my only piece of advice to any guys or gals thinking of having an affair with a married person is......welll.....dont let your heart get involved. Do it for the sex, yes. But don't let yourself get fooled. The things you read on the internet are true.

I hit a really bad spot about a month and a half ago. I was so stricken with depression I couldnt move. I had the hopes of trying to get this relationship to a point where I thought things just might go my way. But every day that passed that I didnt hear from her, or didnt know what was going on, it was all I could think about or even do. Then came a letter from my apartment building the day after I paid my rent that they were choosing to not renew my lease. I guess theres a certain percentage they can raise your rent by in a renew, and to get out of it they just choose not to.

I was stuck, I couldnt move. I felt so sad that everything around me was crumbling. That I didnt have the will to get up. I let my apartment go to shit. I grew a beard. I didnt look for a new place. When the time came and I only had a week left, it was too late. Everything that was reasonably priced was gone. I fucked myself over with my own sadness, and I was choking on it.

Work was cutting my hours as well. The risk I had taken a few months back by accepting a part time job that was paying me more than my full time one was falling to shit as well. It just added to my depression. I felt like such a failure in every aspect of my life. Home, work, and love all just dissolving brick my brick in front of my eyes. Its honestly the lowest point I've ever experienced in my life.  I felt alone, and desolate.

Towards the end of the month I was so exhausted my stress that all I would do is sleep. I talked to a friend and let him know what was going on. With a few days before I needed to move I summoned up the internal muster to find a place, but it wasnt going to be available until September. So without asking this friend told me to just pack up my shit and put it in storage and move in for a month.

So I gathered up my stuff, and I put it in storage, brought the cat along and that situation has been going well. We already spent a ton of time together, adding the sleeping part wasnt a huge deal. I do some cooking and cleaning to kind of make up for the fact that I'm taking up space. But all in all its been good.

Moving sucked, putting my stuff in storage sucked, and saying goodbye to the apartment was bittersweet. It was supposed to be a temporary stay for me anyway, and it survived two failed relationships. I had a lot of memories though, but its probably a good thing I moved.

The new place is in a different neighborhood. A little further away than I'd like, but still within a ten minute walk to the train. I don't really know anything about the neighborhood, or about whats around there, but thats a good thing. There's a good audio slave song called "doesnt remind me". Nothing about the new neighborhood will remind me of her. I'll stop looking for her car. She can stop driving by a place I don't live anymore.  I'll post pics of the new place in my new blog. Its friggin huge! My cats gonna love it for sure. She's already enjoying the more space here. Wait til she see's the new digs.

Work hours have picked up again as well, but I'm actively looking for something new. I also met someone. Just a random kinda meeting that I wasnt expecting. But so far things have been great. We're hanging at a beercade this friday. Should be fun.

So keep your heads up little buccaneers. Good things are most certainly around the corner.  I'll post a link in a few days. Yay!

Au revoir

I am tired. I never wanted things to be like this. I didn't want to have the only communication we had to be quibbling over one thing or another. Or the only way to show that we were thinking about the other to have some number changing/ blog erasing/ permission denying shitty relationship.

After her husband found out, she stopped communicating. Until she posted here, we talked, her husband insisted on her changing her number. I still followed her on twitter, read her blog. I commented on her twitter post. She blocked me on twitter. 

She texted me from her new number claiming she forgot, I commented on her blog and so she blocked that. Took down this blog.  Her only way of communicating with me is hostility, when I've never shown an inch of it towards her. 

So here's the thing. I'm done. I'm done trying. I'm done trying to extend out an olive branch. I'm done trying to be nice and care. I'm just done. 

So, I'll leave things with a song. And I'll put up a couple posts that were never meant to be seen. 

When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire

Over the course of this couple months I've lost everything I've cared deeply about. Maybe I am the bad guy. Maybe this is all karma coming to collect what is due of me. I don't know.

I've lost the promise of a new life coming into this world, the love of a wonderful caring woman, my house, my job situation has hit the shit, I'm putting my cat in temporary housing for a couple months, as well as my belongings. I have no place to call my own anymore. The worst part through all of this is that the one person I could rely on to talk me through all of this mess is gone. Nonexistent in my life. Gone when I needed her most. I don't know what life has in store for me, and quite frankly I'm afraid to find out. Every door that I've gone through in this life has come around to break my heart, and I honestly don't know if I have the courage to do it anymore. I am a thoroughly broken human being.

All I've ever wanted is to belong to someone, to someplace, to be accepted. All I've ever known is to be on the outside looking in. I have always been someones second or third best friend, an acquaintance, an uncle, a cousin. Life has never really revolved around me. Things have never been mine and mine alone.  In K, I thought that I finally had found that someone. The one person that looked at me differently. She did. She looked at me in a way that I had never known before. I was this persons best thing. I could see it in her eyes every time we met in a room, or on the street, or when I answered the door, or the time she collapsed in my arms when she answered hers.

I am screaming for help, for acceptance, for acknowledgement. But those screams are falling on deaf ears.

i know i shouldn't be posting here. i know i shouldn't have any contact at all with him. right now i'm having a really hard time dealing with all of this. i have found out that i am totally not in touch with my emotions at all and that i have no trust in them whatsoever. do i love D? do i love H? i have no idea. my new mantra is "one day at a time." sometimes that brings me peace. but when your dreams are haunting you, sometimes one day can stretch out like forever. like today.
i feel like an addict. just one hit, just one fix, and i'll be fine. but i won't. it will be twice-three-a million times harder to stop. i saw D on wednesday, for a fleeting moment as i drove past him on my way out of work. i heard his voice. it echos in my ears. he doesn't want to stop. he doesn't want to rehabilitate. he is the drug that i need to stay away from. because echoing in those same ears are the tears of my husband. which one will sway me more? which one should be more important? which one will end up winning?
i have no idea.

I dont know nothin about nothin.

She sent me a picture the other day. It haunts me. She is as beautiful as I remember, laying in bed, pillows propped up behind her. Her wonderful face.  Oh how I wish I was laying next to her, silently feeling her body and presence next to me. Feeling secure again in the world. I miss her so terribly. I miss her face.

We've spoke some in the last few days. Its been a nice reprieve from not hearing from her at all. But all I want, all that echoes through me, is this need to see her. To talk to her about everything. To talk to her about nothing. For a hug. For her smell. To give her words and thoughts and feelings I've expressed on paper. To be able to sit and exist without a time limit. Waiting is all I seem to do. Wondering as well.

The fucked up thing about everyone, is that 99.99% of people are just too damn afraid of telling the truth. They are afraid at what it will make them look like, they are afraid of non acceptance. They are unwilling to stand up and say what they truly believe. I've encountered this in my friends when asking for advice. I've watched as people tell people what they want to hear. I've read numerous advice columns on the net. Its all bullshit. I own each and every one of my actions. Am I a bad person? I worried at first what my closest friends would think about me when this all started. I was afraid that I would somehow be viewed as a bad person for this relationship. But when I let them know how I felt, and what was going through my mind, they accepted my actions, one didn't, but we got past it. I can't tell you the last time I lied. It doesnt make me a saint. It just makes my life uncomplicated.

I have so many questions. I am and have always been an open book to her. My want to be understood by her has lead me to that. She is the first person in my life that has got to the core of me. The first person to cut through all the walls and blockades I've put up. She's seen me for me. There have been others that have come close. But there was always something about them that held me back. Something that prevented me from being truly myself, and truly honest.  Most of the times it's been knowledge that they may run, or had half a foot out the door. I never viewed K that way. Anything she wants to know is just a question away. I know she's been honest with me, not 100% forthcoming, but always honest. She's never been afraid to tell me what she wants, or how she wants it. I enjoy that. I think its one of the best things about our relationship. We communicate so well, and its what great relationships are built on.  But I cant have a conversation where I dont know when its going to end.  I hate being at arms length.

I've always treated her like an extension of myself. I try to make her bad days better. I try to listen and serve up a point of view without ever forgetting to let her know that I am on her side. I cheer lead for her. I've always wanted her to get a glimpse of the person I saw through my eyes. When she did something selfless, I'd tell her how amazing she is. I've listened to her wants, no matter how small or seemly insignificant. I'd never hide how I felt, because I've never seen a purpose in it. If I saw something that would make her smile, I'd do it, or I'd buy it. Actions speak louder than words ever could. But all I have left is words.

There's so much that I want to say, so many thoughts and feelings that I just can't convey here. I go places that I tell her I'll be, hoping she'll show up. I look for signs. I look for anything telling me that she wants me to go somewhere, to do something.

I feel adrift.

One year ago

I know, I said I was gone. I know I said I was leaving. Its been an emotional week though, and I'm feeling everything from napoleon to Gandhi this week so I guess I wanted an outlet for my feelings. 

I wanted to post this on June 28th, I wanted to talk about a year ago in our relationship, and about the week that we had together.  My birthday was yesterday. I had a great day overall, I caught up with some old friends, including one friend that I was really close to and that knows everything about our saga. I didn't bring  up current occurrences with this friend. He asked about K, asked how things were going. Asked if her husband found out "for real this time".  Earlier in the day, I had rode my bike and sat at a place that I'd told her I'd meet if we ever became estranged. I sat there for about an hour and a half before I had to go to be on schedule with other plans I had made that day. She didnt show, I know it was in her calendar, and I know she looked at it, and I know without being prompted from the shitty phone that she blames for everything, that she knew it was my birthday.

What I don't know was how hard it was for me not to send me a text, how hard it was for her not to show up at that clock tower where everything began. It makes me incredibly sad to think about how you have to fight every available thought and want to spring into action, not to see or talk to a person that you have such strong feelings for on their birthday.

Last June 28th, K had tickets for a concert that she was really looking forward to. It was something that she had talked about and planned since april. The tickets for said band played on that night and the night after which was my birthday, and I remember telling her that she better not plan on going on my birthday, and that she better be available so she should go the night before. 

The days leading up to the concert, I found someone else that K and I had known through work, that was going to the same concert. I remember being in contact with her, and with K through that time to kind of link them together. It bothered me that she was going alone. I didnt like it. I know she's ok with the fact of doing things by herself. She's a strong woman. But concerts are always more fun when you have someone to enjoy them with. I remember having a cigarette outside of work, and telling this girl...." now I can't be there, so I'm leaving it to you to make sure K has a good time, she's been really looking forward to this." K told me that it was no big deal, but it was a big enough deal for her to knit a choker. It was a big enough deal that I tried to look out for her happiness in anyway I could.

After work that night, I travelled over to my friends house. Of course I was in constant contact with K, and I had just sat down over my my friends house and cracked open a beer when K texted me that our mutual friend might have an extra ticket for the show and wondered if I would come down and see it with them. I stood up and told my friend that I hope you don't mind, but I gotta go. I left his house, didn't even take to stop at home to change and hopped on the train to go to a concert with K. 

When I got there she was all gothed up and looking cute, and I grabbed a seat next to her as the band played, it was a disappointing concert, but we goofed around and texted each other because we couldnt even hear to talk. I remember being jealous then over her  texting her husband during the show. More of a, 'hey......I'm the one that came down here to hang out with you.....pay attention to me", kind of thing. 

After the show our mutual friend grabbed some food with us at a cafe not to far from the venue, all I wished was that K and I could be alone, could enjoy each others company, without our friend knowing the extent of our relationship. We sat and both tried to hurry through food, and got to the point where we left. K and I began walking towards the train, which turned into neither one of us wanting to expedite our travels home, to just walking the entire way, back towards home. We had a great conversation, and when we kind of got back into my area, we stood on the corner and kissed goodbye. We had plans to see each other in a mere few hours at that point, but I didn't want her to leave. I wanted her to come home with me. After the evening we had I just wanted her to be with me, to just do what people do after having an amazing night together. I wanted to fall into bed with her, to make love to her before bed. Its all I thought about all night looking at how wonderful she looked. Instead, we texted a little before bed, and then went to sleep in separate homes. It felt good to me, that she had a good night. That even though the band didnt live up to her expectations that I had a part in making sure she was happy. 

The morning of my birthday, I awoke to a text from K, asking me if I was ready. I was just awake for a little while, happy with the fact that I knew I was going to see her that day. She told me she had to shower and get ready, and was going to be over soon. I showered and went downstairs to wait for her and to get some coffee, we had a full day planned. We were going to travel out to the cemetery, grab some breakfast, and go to the cubs game.

I met her out in front of my apartment and we drove out to the northwest side of the city, during the car ride we talked about life, my family, things in general. I remember sharing with her a song that I couldnt get out of my head that morning. Its a song that whenever I hear it now transplants me to that day, and to thinking about her. We went the grocery store and I bought some flowers. We got into a funny conversation with the woman behind the counter on depleting helium supplies. I don't know what it is about K and I together but we always seem to have the most amazing interactions with the clerks and salespeople at various places we visit.

We got to the cemetery and after some walking we found my moms plot. We sat down on the grass, and I talked and cried about my mom a bit. These amazing storm clouds were developing overhead as we sat and talked. Then on a hot summer afternoon the clouds broke and we walked hand in hand back to her car. She told me she wanted to make love to me before we went to breakfast. Neither one of us wanted to wait to be together in bed, taking care of each other. We arrived at my place and made love. It was nice to be with her that morning. To share my feelings with her, and to express my feelings towards her as well. I never had told her I loved her at that point. I didn't want to put more pressure on the relationship, but I knew we were both in love with each other. It was just a matter of admitting it.

We went to breakfast, and I decided that I'd rather have more time alone with her, than to go to a cubs game that day. Cubs games on my birthday have always been my tradition, it was something that I did every year. This year was different, I was with K. I'd rather just enjoy her company and to be able to express my love for her in private, rather than being out in the elements where I knew it would eat into my time with her.

After breakfast we came back to my place and made love again. We laid in each others arms and discussed what I had planned for the rest of the day, and I told her that I hoped that she could come back out and meet with me and my friends later on that night. She didn't, but we kept in contact through text all evening. I got pretty drunk that night, a lot of the reason why I did was because I was a little sad that she couldn't be with me. I wanted her there with my friends, I wanted her to be an even bigger part of my life. I didn't just want her for half a day, I wanted her for the whole day. I wanted to integrate her into my life, wanted her to know me outside of just the two of us.

Later on she showed me what she wrote about that day. It made my eyes well up. “And at 11am on june 29, there was nowhere else I would rather have been than with him.” Sigh. I felt the same way. All day. Whenever I was with her I felt that way. I never once thought that I'd rather be doing anything else.

I wrote an email and told her that I loved her. I explained my feelings for her as I am always want to do. Its a strange thing being in love with someone who you dont know what future you have with them. Whether or not you can be shut down on any given day, and whether you'll talk to them or see them again.

On july 4th, I had a pretty bad day at work. I talked to her here and there through texts, but being as it was a holiday, I didnt expect to see her. I had planned on having a simple bbq with a couple friends right after work. As I set things up, one of the locals and I nearly got into a fist fight over his harassment of a customer that was still hanging out on the patio. I probably should have not got involved, but its always been something inside of me to help when I could. After a good 15 minutes of telling this guy that I was going to beat his ass. I popped open a beer. Theres nothing like a stress beer sometimes. And then sometimes, especially on a hot summer day, the beers go down a little too easy and the next thing you know you're getting a little sloppy.

I get a text from K that she's riding around, and of course I tell her to come over. She did, and we started talking, and then I accidentally burned her finger on a firework because I forgot that when you light the bottle rocket the fuse kind of shoots back. She got angry and had enough of the whole scene, and I imagine she was worried about being gone from home for a long time. I didn't want her to leave. We had a conversation, about our relationship that we probably shouldn't have had at the time. She left in a bad mood, and I felt awful for things ending that night that way. I wanted her to turn around and come back. I wanted to just give her a hug and a kiss and wish her goodnight. Instead I sat on my porch in a awful mood, pining for anything to make things better.

I loved her longer than I cared to admit at that point. I still do.