Its a beautiful Saturday afternoon here in the city. I'm about to head down to the Art Museum downtown. I'm pretty depressed today. Just kinda sad with a million thoughts running through my mind. I'm waiting on a friend to pick something up from me but when he does, I'm going to go downtown and not waste my day thinking about all of this. Now for me theres no escape from my brain and my thoughts, I'm forced to take them with me unfortunately. But I dont have to do it in this cramped little apartment on such a wonderful warm day.
I decided to go downtown because I woke up at 10am, checked my phone and email, 11am, 12pm. I realized that I'm just going to do this all day if I dont get up and do something. My best friend is out of town, my other good friend just moved, and my lover is downtown busy with friends all weekend. So I think that until monday, you people are stuck with me.
My brain doesnt quit. Its constantly trying to compute, figure out, go over things said, and unsaid. It tries to make sense of patterns. It tries to answer questions in which you dont have enough information. I went to get a huge Iced coffee and was sitting on my stoop a few minutes ago when I thought. "Why is it we always are fighting before she goes on a race?" Its only happened twice now. Its really not enough for a pattern to emerge, so why am I thinking it?
I also thought of something that I said to my friend the other night when we were sitting together, discussing life. He asked if I had a good day. This was this wednesday, I saw K. I turned to him and said, " I did everything I could to have the best day possible." I meant it. I wondered if K could say the same thing. I thought about everyday that way. Yesterday.
I've wanted to get in contact with her since I woke up this morning, I slept like shit, I watched mad men last night, I read and reread what I wrote. Pondered whether I should take it down before she saw it. Wondered if she read it last night, or this morning. I dont know if I will hear from her this weekend. I dont know if she's checking her phone constantly to see if I sent a text. I thought about running downtown to her hotel, but I dont know if her husbands going to be there. I try to give her space when things are like this. I try to give her room to breath, time to think. All the while hoping she misses me, and wants to hear from me enough that she'll send out a beacon to me. Something to guide me back to her. Anyway.....I hope she texts.
I thought about relationships, and how the best you could hope for is this. You find someone you're attracted to, you share a ton of interests and activities that you can share together, but have enough of a life that you dont need to spend every waking hour together. You find someone that cares about you enough that you decide to be a team. You have similar goals, and wants in life. You map out a future, you plan things, you cheer lead that person on when it looks like theyre struggling. You're their comfort, you take care of them when theyre sick, you listen when they had a shitty day and try to make them smile, maybe pat them on the ass. You pick them up things as you wander about, letting them know they're in your thoughts through your day. That even though you're away, they're important enough to you for you to say, while you're with your friends...Hey, I bet K would like that. Or hey, K and I were just talking about these. Because one day you'll be sick, and have that shitty day, one day someone will rub you the wrong way, someday you wont feel as loved as you want to. You hope they do the same for you. You never stop trying to win the love and affection of that person, and them for you.
I have this thing I talk about with cookie jars. Each person starts out with a cookie jar filled with cookies. Everytime you do something for them, you're taking one out of your jar and placing it in theirs. The same goes the opposite way. The problems lie when one persons jar gets empty. Some people give in a relationship, some take.
I'm in love now, I've been in love before. This time is different. K's a little more cynical than I am, she doesnt believe that love is a rare thing. But this is different for me. She's the only person that has inspired me enough to let go completely. I've done things with and for her that I've never done for anyone else. I've never stole for anyone else, I've never been the other man for anyone else, I've never wrote for four days for anyone else, I've never taken a train ride downtown, when I didnt know I was wanted to cheer her on at a race, I've never went and sat at someones house before, waiting for a chance to see them when there was a chance theyd hate me for it. I've never seen so much of my future and happiness open up before. My passion for her has grown, and its not slowed down. I told her yesterday that I love her more today than I did 2 months ago, I just dont see it slowing down. I'm in love, my hearts on fire, when I'm with her I feel a passion for her and for life that I have never felt.
My final thought for now, I may come back later and post more random shit, is this: I thought about things to look forward to. How important that is, and how I know that K, and I could, within one trip to a coffee shop, could fill up a entire summer of things to look forward to. I sent her a link the other day to a scavenger hunt here in the city in July. I wish I could set that in stone with her. It's something cool to look forward to. I look forward to the things that we have together that are set in stone. We have two ballgames coming up. It means I exist in her life long enough to get to those games. But what happens afterwards? I dont want to stop planning the little short term things. I dont want to stop having something to look forward to.
Well....my friends here and I'm off to see a cool exhibit, where they've taken great works of art and turned them into black and whites. Talk to you a bit later.
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