Look. Neither of us knows exactly what the fuck we're doing. We're not experts. I've never been involved with anyone thats been with someone currently, and I know this isnt exactly how K had planned her life going.
K and I hit a bit of a rough patch. We get really close, really fast. When she does I tend to forget that she's married and think of her more like a girlfriend. That's my mistake. I forget that when she leaves me that she has to have time and space to sort of shake the cobwebs free of me, and slip back into her life. But when things are moving quickly, and when they do its a bit of a whirlwind, what happens is that I want more. There's a good saying. "What is happiness? Well, its a moment before you need more happiness." I can't say that I've ever really met anyone like K before. I think what I enjoy about her most is the conversations. I'm in the customer service field. I talk to hundreds of people on a given day. I've never really enjoyed the conversations that I've had as much as the ones I've had with K.
The day before I took a chance, and went out to see K to talk. We sorted through somethings, and at first things we were a little edgy but she asked if I wanted to go shopping with her, and soon enough, we settled into being K and D again. We play off of each other amazingly well. Theres rarely ever an awkward silence between the two of us, it seems like we always have something to talk about. Two people that are genuinely interested in each others lives, even the mundane shit, is like each other telling some epic tale of monsters eating babies, or something of that nature. When we talk, we get closer, we laugh, we flirt, we just all around just enjoy whatever it is we're doing. Whether I forget to tell her that the cheese she's about to eat tastes like swiss, which she hates, or the fact that she shoves the most awful smelling soap in my nose holes, before telling me, yeah, thats pretty awful.
We took a drive from the store and sat down at an awesome bakery and had some dessert. It was the best part of my day. We tried each others desserts, we held hands, she drank milk!, and for good long moment I forgot everything else in my life and was truly there at that place with her. Nothing else mattered. I have those moments all the time with her, and its really one of the best feelings you can ever have. The feeling of not wanting to be anywhere else but where you are. It didnt matter to me that the gates had opened at the ballpark to where I'm almost religiously there when that happens. Like I said, no place I'd rather be, and when it comes to the Cubs thats saying something.
She dropped me off, I went to the game, and had a pretty damn good day, considering where it had started.
I had taken the train out to meet K today, and our day ended a little prematurely due to her having stuff to do, and the place that we tried to go to was closed due to renovations but in the brief amount of time we did have, I had fun. It was light and easy. I'm trying not to be so pressing on everything, trying to ease back and let us both breath again. It's hard though. I see her and I immediately want to hug her, kiss her, make love to her. Its hard for me to feel passionate about someone I feel so strongly about and have to constrain my emotions. But things were light. We went to a antique shop, where I made a crude joke about a rusty trombone, we went to a craft supply place so K could pick up some of the things that she loves most in the world, and then after that we went to an olive oil shop, picked up some chocolates, and I bought K a little silver spoon. When we candoodle, K and I often end up spooning. She often calls me her big spoon, and that would make her my little spoon. So immediately when I saw them I knew I had to buy her one. I think she was so enamored with the chocolates that she didnt immediately put two and two together until I said," a little spoon for my little spoon". She told me she stuck it in her wallet which means to me that she really enjoyed it. I contemplated just calling it a day there, so she wouldnt have to drive me all the way home, and because I'm really trying hard to be more of a gentleman and respect her wishes.
The hardest part of this relationship for me has been the time constraints. Theres just so much that I'd like to do with her that I just cant right now. When we were at the antique shop there was an old steam kettle. K mentioned how she'd like to take something like that camping, and immediately I just want to spend a weekend with her outdoors, a campfire, a tent and a million miles between everyone else but the two of us. I'd kill to be able to spend a weekend with her unconstrained. No cell phones, no messages, no emails. Just the two of us finally being able to enjoy each others company. But I didnt say it this time. I held it back. I've said it a thousand times before, she knows that I'd love to do that. I forget sometimes that everytime an idea comes to my head that the other person doesnt have to hear it right then and there.
In a normal relationship there isnt that need to do something all the time. That you know that today may very well be that day you just hang out and watch tv, listen to an album together, cook dinner together. When you're me, when I see her, you want to go explore and do everything right then and there. You want to make love everytime you see that person. Why? Well because youve been thinking about them for an X amount of days that you havent seen them, and you dont know how many days until you've seen them next. It makes it pressing. It makes it a need to. Its something I know I'm going to have to be better about. I have to let things come to me rather than chase them. Its one of the hardest things in the world for me. I've had to work for everything I have.
So we get back to my place as she's dropping me off outside and she says she has to go, I'm trying as hard as I can not to do what I've done in the past. I'm trying not to be a pain in the ass about leaving, and making things hard on her. But I can feel myself slip. I mope and pout a bit when I dont get what I want from her. Its hard for me not to express that I wish I had more time to hang out, more time to kiss, time to hug, time to have her come upstairs and make love. But what I want most of all is let her know that I'm listening to her. That I care what she wants, and what's going to make her life easier, both for right now, and in the future. If I cant prove I'm that person now, then what chance do I have to prove that I'm going to be that guy for her in the future? So I said, "One more good one." And we kiss passionately and I ask her if she wants more. She says maaaaaaaybe. And thats all I need for today. Just a maybe, just an opportunity to prove that I'm not entirely the guy she's seen these last few months.
I still miss her as soon as she's gone. I didnt text her when she left. I wanted to. I wanted to let her know I've had a great time these last couple days. That I wish that there was more time. I know she know's I'm in love with her. I am. I still can't walk into something that we've either talked about or something that she see's that she likes and not want to buy it for her. That part about me I can't change. She deserves good things in life. She's an amazingly giving person. One day I'll make a post explaining everything about her it is that I fell in love with, but todays not that day.
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