From the outside looking in

K and I were at a bookstore recently, and in the bargain bin were many copies of Sun Tzu's "The art of war". I had forgot that I had read that book a long time ago, but I've been thinking about it a bit lately. The book is about war and battle tips. Theres a term called the fog of war.  Back in the day when fighting an enemy you just didnt have the information that you had today, you didnt have satellites pointed down at them taking pictures for you, you didnt have inside operatives delivering you information at the speed of sound through a phone call, text message, or an email. When engaged in battle back then, there was always an uncertainty. The information you had may have been weeks or months old. The enemy might have moved position, and might have been waiting to ambush you. The lack of any concrete information, just up until the point of engagement is what caused this fog. This is the fog that I live in.

I'm not gonna go all Pat Benatar on you, and scream,"love is a battlefield". Because I dont think of it that way, or this that way. Maybe what I'm thinking of is the "fog of love".  I have only certain information, When I get to talk to K in person most of the times when I do it isnt about the state of our affair. It isnt about how each of us are feeling at the moment. There just isnt enough time. You can spend your few hours together talking about how you wish you could talk to them more, how it sucks when they drive off and you werent quite done seeing them or how you wish you were together. I tend to want to spend my time with K living. I want to do things with her, and talk about whats going on in her life, outside of this. The other day she told me about a siblings problem over the phone and it made me feel amazing. Why? Because I was included. She wanted my opinion and she wanted to share with me what was on her mind in a given day. That made me feel so important to her.

What makes things hard for me, and why I tend to get pushy and grabby is that, I dont know. She's around for a bit and then she's gone. Theres a lot that goes on in your mind in the time between. When she leaves I generally send her a text message. Usually something to tell her that I enjoyed our time together. Do I have to do that? No. But when she leaves, I'm always not ready for her to leave. Never once was I like, well that was the perfect amount of K for today, she can go and thats what I want.  Not once. So I send a text out. She usually responds pretty quickly, and if she doesnt I dont freak out, because I know she has other shit she has to do.

I dont get the benefit of knowing anything. Yesterday she was upset with me, and today as well. But I didnt know the exact stint of the whats and the whys. I didnt know until today, when I read this blog. In a normal relationship, she would have told me she was upset. I would have either been there or we could have had a discussion on the phone. But in this situation I'm not really allowed either as an opportunity, and it makes communication between the two of us hard.

Yesterday, and well for the last week or so K has mentioned having time alone. Time to just be, time to get away from her husband, from me, from work, and life and everything else thats been weighing her down. I should have just let her be. I was happy that she came over.

I got pushy, and handsy. I asked her if she wanted to go upstairs with me. I wanted to have sex with her. My problem, I guess is that I'm constantly trying to cram a relationship into the amount of time we have. Theres always a sense of urgency when it comes to anything we do. Its one that I hope one day is over, where I can breathe a sigh of relief and not have to feel that if we dont do something on that day, that I dont know when we will. So its gotta be now.

 Its not fair to her. And I do it not just with sex, but with everything. Seeing her, talking to her. I want to be able to relax. I want to just know that everythings going to be ok between us. I want that level of comfort, and security. That the next day, when I send her a text, that she'll be there, wanting to talk to me. But I have this overwhelming feeling most times that if something goes wrong, that if I do something wrong that upsets her, then she'll push me away. That i wont be able to talk to her for days. I wont see her for days or weeks. Its like that all the time.

I know that things wouldnt be this way if we were together. I'd still want to see her a lot. But there wouldnt be that direness to everything.  The no's become easier to take. "oh, youre busy", "well, I'll just see you wednesday".  "No you dont want to have sex today?", "Well thats ok, maybe you'll be in the mood later". "You dont feel like talking today?", "Well, its ok, I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow".  Thats how I'd like things to be. Thats how I normally am. I'm not generally a pushy person. I, usually in a relationship, like the compromise.

But I dont have that information, I dont have that comfort of knowing that things are going to be ok. She leaves and my mind wanders. Is she having a good time with her husband?  Is she feeling guilty about seeing me? Is she going to want to see me on Wednesday? Is she angry with me? Does she need space? Should I say hello. Does her husband have her phone? She went to a party, did her husband go with her?  It really is a fog. I dont know what's going on for the most part when she's gone. She tells me that they watched a movie together. But I dont know the context.  I dont know how to act.

So I rush. I wake up in the morning, hoping that I get a good sign from her. If I get a good morning, then things are off to a good start. I tell her I wish she were in bed next to me, or I tell her to come over and get into bed, not because I think its always possible. But because thats genuinely what I want. Every opportunity to see her becomes a me asking thing. On a good week I see her maybe three times a week. On a bad one not at all.

We've had a bit of a history of waxing and waning, and that leads to the urgency too. I dont want to be pushed away anymore. I dont want to stop talking, I dont want to go weeks without seeing her. But its happened before, and I worry about it happening again, all the time. It rips my heart out when it happens. It puts pressure on me to try to fix things between us. I know why it happens, so I dont speak out about it. But I hate it. I hate feeling that its coming. All I want to do is know, know that nomatter what I do today, no matter if I talk to her today, that she'll be there tomorrow.  That I'll see her in a couple days.

Its my problem too though. I know this isnt conventional, and I hope to god she knows that the way I act sometimes is more of a product of this, than who I am. But its hard to paint a picture of what you're like in a conventional relationship to someone who thinks you might be bullshitting them. But I'm not trying to pull the wool over her eyes. I want this. I want to be with her. I love her more than anything right now, and my feelings for her are stronger than theyve ever been. A year and a half later and I'm still falling in love with her, with no end in sight.

K, I'm sorry that I act the way that I do sometimes. I'm sorry that I put pressure on you to do things that you're just not ready to do right now, right away. I'm sorry that I treat every moment alone with you in bed like its the last time I'm going to see you. I need to be able to step back. To relax, to let you relax. I'm sorry that I steam rolled you yesterday, and that I really did think about stopping. The porch beers were in fact the highlight of my day, not the upstairs part.  It kills me that I hurt you sometimes. I hate the idea that I in my very Lenny type way, hurt you by squeezing you too hard. Trying to hold you too close. I just dont want you to go away, ever.  I want you to be happy. I try to make it a point in my day to see that big smile of yours. I'm going to try, try to not act like I'm never going to see you again, try to listen more than hear. Try harder to put your wants before mine. You deserve that.

-D