There's a song that has the title of this post. We'll meet again, dont know where, dont know when, but i know we'll meet again some sunny day. It's a song of hope. Its sang in such that its supposed to be a see ya later, instead of a goodbye. But we tend to do that as people, don't we? We try to make things easier on ourselves, instead of facing the truth.
K contacted me today and let me know that she's leaning towards trying to work things out with her husband. My initial thought was to be angry. I wanted to tell her husband everything. To try to destroy their attempt at rekindling their relationship, even though I think that being as it is, and the fact that he doesnt know everything, is trying to rebuild a faulty home on a an already unsteady foundation.
I've often toiled with the idea of telling him what was going on.
A: its been the only source of control that I have carried with this relationship. There have been numerous times when I have felt all has been lost, and that I was spinning out of control whereas the fact of telling him might put things back in my favor. As is now. If I told him everything, and I mean everything, he probably would never be able to look at her in the same way ever again. Its a very shitty thing to have control over, someone elses future. I wish I didnt have it. Part of my want of using said power is that its something I could finally be rid of. Once I used it I couldn't use it again. I'd be free of its constant presence in that back of my mind. Its a one use tool, so I could just go merrily on my way afterwards knowing there was shit else I could do. No regrets, as I could finally say there was nothing else I could do.
B: I feel that honesty is the best policy. If it were me, I wouldnt want to live the rest of my life hiding. In fear of more truth being brought to light at some slip, at some uncovering of the facts that weren't known to the other party. The only thing we have in this life is the truth of ourselves, to let others see us in our own light. I know I have faults, I know what my weaknesses entail, and I take solace that I've been truthful about them. I tend to tell a person maybe way more than they are comfortable with. So, when I stumble, or I feel like I may do something that is unbeneficial to the party I am with, I want them to know how, and why, I got there. I want to be understood, and not letting someone know everything robs them of that. Receiving love for the person one presents, cannot be nearly as rewarding as receiving love us for who we truly are.
Regardless of how I feel about the situation, and how at some times I believe that K has put me in a position where I've felt that she wanted me to tell her husband everything, I cannot. I am fallible. I cannot hurt her. I've often told myself that the main reason why I would never fuck her life up, is that I could never intentionally hurt her, even to my own benefit. I've thought about instances where she didnt share that same consideration with me, but, I've wrestled with the idea too long, if I did tell him, and it resulted in the ending of their relationship, which I'm sure it would, I would be left with the fact that I made the decision for her. Which is why I am writing what I am now. I always wanted someone to see me as the greatest person in their life. I was foolish to dream in this instance, that what I felt was reciprocated. Just because I love her more than anyone else ever has, doesnt mean that those feelings were ever mirrored. Its why I've made the decision to walk away. Her actions have lead me to the point where I don't feel loved anymore. She'll never fight for me the way that I have for her. She'll never believe that I'm that one person she doesnt want to live her life without, because that's the decision she's making. Its not easy for me to face these truths, but they are the truth.
With all of this being said, I am going to go. I have reached the point where I have been been bested by an obligation to another human being, or safety, or financial comfort. I am no longer the most viable option, even though I did everything I could. I really did. I chose heart over head at every turnpoint in this relationship, even now, but even I cant allow myself to be someones plan B. I know she loves her husband, but he hasnt returned that love to her by choice these past years. He hasnt met her life with the same enthusiasm that I have. The fact that this is a better option over what I provide breaks my heart like something that I feel she doesnt realize. In essence, she's told me that she's ok with never seeing me the rest of her life, and its something I couldn't fathom to do to her.
So with that I leave you to this.
K's happiness will always be the primary cause at the root of my actions. Despite expected and known obstacles, I have stayed the path that has always been true to me. When things seemed darkest, I got back up and fought for her. I still would, its just not wanted anymore. Should she decide that happiness is something that shouldn't be out of obligation, rather freely given without request, then hopefully our paths will cross once more. Until then I will continue to live my life knowing that I did everything that I could to show her that I am the man that is meant for her.
I still have hope that words like, closeness, love, joy, and "someday," still have meaning in this world. Your faith can be rewarded. It hasn't yet. Maybe someday. Despite everything else I still have hope. I will remain optimistic, and I will always have faith in her. So until we meet again.....
Monday, June 24, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
You give me that funny feeling in my tummy...
It's funny sometimes how life works. I went to bed a couple days ago, just kinda sad. No contact from K, wondering what was going on, what was going to happen. I woke yesterday morning to find that someone had hacked into twitter and sent some bullshit message to everyone in my contact list. K messaged me that I'd been hacked and I set off to change my twitter password. I was glad to hear from her and I messaged her that I was sorry. I guess at that point she came here and saw that I posted, and made a post of her own, and that started us talking a bit.
I can tell when things are bothering her, and when she's distancing herself from me. Not even when its as obvious as it is now. But even in past days when either she was feeling guilty from being with me after having an amazing day out doing anything and everything. I dont like it, but I understand why she does it. Why she withdraws emotionally from me. But I press on, because even when she's distanced, we're still talking. I still want to know about her day. Yesterday instead of getting into everything thats been going on I pressed her about what she was having for lunch. If she was going to enjoy it outside. It's important to me that I tell her to do things like that. It's not like she needs me to remind her that its nice outside and she should have lunch there, its just that I want her to know that I love her enough to let her know that I'm hoping she's making the most out of her day. That she's finding enjoyment, wherever she can find it, even when I cant be around.
So as the day kinda soldiered on I kept telling myself to ask her to see me. I just have this feeling inside of me that wants to ask, wants her to know that I want to see her, and that I miss her face. I keep thinking about the last time I saw her, we were on my porch after a long night of storms. Her back against a pillar, both of us just pressed up together, cuddling, and talking.
But as I thought about it, it occurred to me. I've never taken K out on a date. We've had full days full of pretty awesome adventures, but I've never asked her "out" before. I got a kind of good nervousness about it, butterflies about asking a woman that you're crazy about out. The idea of giving her, "the whole D, date treatment", kind of excited me. My mind raced of what I would want to do, the things that I'd show her, even after knowing her for all this time. The more I thought about it, and the things I wanted to do, the more nervous I got. I imagined calling her and talking and building up my courage, just like any guy does when he asks out that special lady. But she didnt pick up. Its still amazing to me that even after everything that we've been through, the fact that I've shared my most intimate details with her, have been intimate many many times. have spent whole amazing days with her doing anything and everything, that I still have butterflies over asking her out on a date, and imagining what it would be like. I think its a testament to the person she is, and what she means to me.
It got to a point where I asked her out just to see her though through text, just to meet up and just see each other. She didnt say no, didnt say yes. But I told her no pressure, and that I wanted her to think about it this weekend. It goes without saying that I hope she does. I still have butterflies thinking about it.
I can tell when things are bothering her, and when she's distancing herself from me. Not even when its as obvious as it is now. But even in past days when either she was feeling guilty from being with me after having an amazing day out doing anything and everything. I dont like it, but I understand why she does it. Why she withdraws emotionally from me. But I press on, because even when she's distanced, we're still talking. I still want to know about her day. Yesterday instead of getting into everything thats been going on I pressed her about what she was having for lunch. If she was going to enjoy it outside. It's important to me that I tell her to do things like that. It's not like she needs me to remind her that its nice outside and she should have lunch there, its just that I want her to know that I love her enough to let her know that I'm hoping she's making the most out of her day. That she's finding enjoyment, wherever she can find it, even when I cant be around.
So as the day kinda soldiered on I kept telling myself to ask her to see me. I just have this feeling inside of me that wants to ask, wants her to know that I want to see her, and that I miss her face. I keep thinking about the last time I saw her, we were on my porch after a long night of storms. Her back against a pillar, both of us just pressed up together, cuddling, and talking.
But as I thought about it, it occurred to me. I've never taken K out on a date. We've had full days full of pretty awesome adventures, but I've never asked her "out" before. I got a kind of good nervousness about it, butterflies about asking a woman that you're crazy about out. The idea of giving her, "the whole D, date treatment", kind of excited me. My mind raced of what I would want to do, the things that I'd show her, even after knowing her for all this time. The more I thought about it, and the things I wanted to do, the more nervous I got. I imagined calling her and talking and building up my courage, just like any guy does when he asks out that special lady. But she didnt pick up. Its still amazing to me that even after everything that we've been through, the fact that I've shared my most intimate details with her, have been intimate many many times. have spent whole amazing days with her doing anything and everything, that I still have butterflies over asking her out on a date, and imagining what it would be like. I think its a testament to the person she is, and what she means to me.
It got to a point where I asked her out just to see her though through text, just to meet up and just see each other. She didnt say no, didnt say yes. But I told her no pressure, and that I wanted her to think about it this weekend. It goes without saying that I hope she does. I still have butterflies thinking about it.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
the empty truth of life
today is my friends' anniversary. i know both the guy and the girl equally. they have been married 20 years. they have one kid.
i guess a few years ago, he strayed from the marriage. i guess the wife got too involved with raising the child and was ignoring her husband. plus, he's kind of a jerk. i guess they worked through it, but their relationship isn't one that i strive to emulate. it seems that they just exist on separate planes of entitlement and homeschooling.
anyway, today they posted on FB, "Today makes 20 years of marriage to <wife's name here>. Happy anniversary, my darling! I was right, hasn't been boring yet." she replies to his post with "He gets the award. All this time, I think I am the one that added terrifying twists and turns. I love you so, <pet name here>."
on her FB feed, she posts, "20 years ago in this very house, my matron of honor found me in a bathroom, stalled with curlers stuck haphazardly in my hair. It was around 40° and an outdoor wedding. I was in shock after what might have been 50 unexpected problems. I had not been getting ready with less than 2 hours to go. But then as I married my best friend and the love of my life it all turned out fine. For all this time <husband's name here>, you have been the prize at the end of every difficult day."
and i think, this is all bullshit.
i have never seen them affectionate towards each other. she's about 100+ lbs overweight and he's a boorish pig. they have an amazingly annoying precocious child that can speak 400 languages and can do Organic Chem in her sleep... she's 10.
their anniversary wailings are just for the pleasure of attention from their friends. i don't think they know the meaning of love anymore than my husband does, but they remain together because no one else would have them. and maybe my husband feels that way. but i don't. i don't have to stay in a loveless marriage because i am afraid of being alone. i don't have to put up with fake, boring bullshit because no one else will ever love me. and even if D wasn't in the picture, i would go off on my own.
people's disingenuous ramblings of love and togetherness make me want to barf. stop fooling yourselves. you're the only ones who are falling for it.
i guess a few years ago, he strayed from the marriage. i guess the wife got too involved with raising the child and was ignoring her husband. plus, he's kind of a jerk. i guess they worked through it, but their relationship isn't one that i strive to emulate. it seems that they just exist on separate planes of entitlement and homeschooling.
anyway, today they posted on FB, "Today makes 20 years of marriage to <wife's name here>. Happy anniversary, my darling! I was right, hasn't been boring yet." she replies to his post with "He gets the award. All this time, I think I am the one that added terrifying twists and turns. I love you so, <pet name here>."
on her FB feed, she posts, "20 years ago in this very house, my matron of honor found me in a bathroom, stalled with curlers stuck haphazardly in my hair. It was around 40° and an outdoor wedding. I was in shock after what might have been 50 unexpected problems. I had not been getting ready with less than 2 hours to go. But then as I married my best friend and the love of my life it all turned out fine. For all this time <husband's name here>, you have been the prize at the end of every difficult day."
and i think, this is all bullshit.
i have never seen them affectionate towards each other. she's about 100+ lbs overweight and he's a boorish pig. they have an amazingly annoying precocious child that can speak 400 languages and can do Organic Chem in her sleep... she's 10.
their anniversary wailings are just for the pleasure of attention from their friends. i don't think they know the meaning of love anymore than my husband does, but they remain together because no one else would have them. and maybe my husband feels that way. but i don't. i don't have to stay in a loveless marriage because i am afraid of being alone. i don't have to put up with fake, boring bullshit because no one else will ever love me. and even if D wasn't in the picture, i would go off on my own.
people's disingenuous ramblings of love and togetherness make me want to barf. stop fooling yourselves. you're the only ones who are falling for it.
it's funny, i didn't even think that D could have been waiting by my car yesterday when i got out of work. i was more concerned about class last night, which i didn't go to.
i have made a mess of my life through lies, deceit, and general debauchery. i am now paying the price. i am staying with my sister for an undisclosed amount of time. i cannot see D or talk to him or have any contact with him at all. and now i have to figure out what i want to do with this mess. and honestly, i have NO idea which path to take. none of them are without their downfalls. but before i just decide to go ahead and repair my marriage or run off with D or sell off all of my stuff and move to Kathmandu, i am going to talk to a professional to make sure whatever i choose to do, it will be in my best interest.
my first appointment is on tuesday. until then, things will stay the way they are. for once, i am looking out for my best interests, whatever the hell those might be.
what's fucked up is that having an affair is an inherently selfish thing, so saying i'm looking out for my best interest sounds like the most hedonistic BS ever. but i've been straddling the line between husband and lover in an attempt to not hurt either one of them. i enjoyed the time with D because he loves me like no one else, but when i wasn't with D, i was with my husband. any alone time was scarce and i've been stressed out beyond belief. staying with my sister has been a nice reprieve, but even then i feel obligated to hang out with her when i get home from work. yesterday, i went to the garden for about 45 minutes, went to her place, then we went out for a walk. all i really wanted to do is sleep. and tonight i have plans for a little while. tomorrow i have the day off and it will be nice to just lay around in bed and not have any pressing plans.
i don't know how long this is going to take. i am going to take as much time as i need, from both guys. the husband seems to be rather amenable to fixing things, but then again, i don't think he's 100%. neither am i. some people i have been talking to seem to see my side of things, but agree that i shouldn't have strayed. yes, but i can't image not having done it.
my sister asked me, "why D?" i just smiled. and then i proceeded to tell her some of the awesome things he's done for me. i think she was uncomfortable with the idea of another man treating me better then my husband does.
i don't know what will happen, but time will tell.
i have made a mess of my life through lies, deceit, and general debauchery. i am now paying the price. i am staying with my sister for an undisclosed amount of time. i cannot see D or talk to him or have any contact with him at all. and now i have to figure out what i want to do with this mess. and honestly, i have NO idea which path to take. none of them are without their downfalls. but before i just decide to go ahead and repair my marriage or run off with D or sell off all of my stuff and move to Kathmandu, i am going to talk to a professional to make sure whatever i choose to do, it will be in my best interest.
my first appointment is on tuesday. until then, things will stay the way they are. for once, i am looking out for my best interests, whatever the hell those might be.
what's fucked up is that having an affair is an inherently selfish thing, so saying i'm looking out for my best interest sounds like the most hedonistic BS ever. but i've been straddling the line between husband and lover in an attempt to not hurt either one of them. i enjoyed the time with D because he loves me like no one else, but when i wasn't with D, i was with my husband. any alone time was scarce and i've been stressed out beyond belief. staying with my sister has been a nice reprieve, but even then i feel obligated to hang out with her when i get home from work. yesterday, i went to the garden for about 45 minutes, went to her place, then we went out for a walk. all i really wanted to do is sleep. and tonight i have plans for a little while. tomorrow i have the day off and it will be nice to just lay around in bed and not have any pressing plans.
i don't know how long this is going to take. i am going to take as much time as i need, from both guys. the husband seems to be rather amenable to fixing things, but then again, i don't think he's 100%. neither am i. some people i have been talking to seem to see my side of things, but agree that i shouldn't have strayed. yes, but i can't image not having done it.
my sister asked me, "why D?" i just smiled. and then i proceeded to tell her some of the awesome things he's done for me. i think she was uncomfortable with the idea of another man treating me better then my husband does.
i don't know what will happen, but time will tell.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
I took the wrong god damned train today
I dont have a lot of time to post this. K and I have been through a lot of shit this last month. I'm not really going to get into that right now, but we're not talking at the moment. By that I mean that she's not talking to me.
Wednesdays, this year for the most part have been "our" day. I'd usually take the train to meet her, or we'd meet up here, or I'd walk her to class. But for the most part we'd always get together on Wednesday. Today was a beautifully gorgeous day out. I was around addison st on the brown line running some errands, took the train back to the connecting train station to go home, but I couldnt shake the thought of taking the train out to see her today. Instead I took the train back home, ended up running into some friends and messing around with them by the house and then downtown. Theres this graffiti on the side of a building that I see everyday taking the train home. It simply states, "tell her now". I look at it and before today I knew that I already did tell her, I tell her all the time how I feel. How she makes me feel. Today I did not. Trying to respect her wishes prevented me from telling her that I miss her so much it makes me ache. That I just want to see her and touch her. That I want to hug her, and tell her that I love her. How much all of this sucks without her.
I know the type of day we'd have had together. We'd have rode bikes through a forest preserve, or we would have adventured through evanston, or we'd have found some thrift stores to go to, or we'd have went to the garden, maybe had dinner in some outside cafe. Regardless of what we did, it would have been amazing, because days like today, being outside together, fill us both up with such joy. We just had a long bike riding day not too long ago, and one of my fondest memories of that day was when she took off her helmet, and the wind took her hair a little bit. She had a rosy glow on her face. She looked so beautiful. We crossed a bridge earlier in the day and riding behind her I saw her smile at the majestic scenery that we were witnessing, a bridge, downtown skyline, and her smile at it all. I fell in love with her all over again at that moment.
I had a day today. But not nearly the one I'd have had if I was with her. And it breaks my heart.
Wednesdays, this year for the most part have been "our" day. I'd usually take the train to meet her, or we'd meet up here, or I'd walk her to class. But for the most part we'd always get together on Wednesday. Today was a beautifully gorgeous day out. I was around addison st on the brown line running some errands, took the train back to the connecting train station to go home, but I couldnt shake the thought of taking the train out to see her today. Instead I took the train back home, ended up running into some friends and messing around with them by the house and then downtown. Theres this graffiti on the side of a building that I see everyday taking the train home. It simply states, "tell her now". I look at it and before today I knew that I already did tell her, I tell her all the time how I feel. How she makes me feel. Today I did not. Trying to respect her wishes prevented me from telling her that I miss her so much it makes me ache. That I just want to see her and touch her. That I want to hug her, and tell her that I love her. How much all of this sucks without her.
I know the type of day we'd have had together. We'd have rode bikes through a forest preserve, or we would have adventured through evanston, or we'd have found some thrift stores to go to, or we'd have went to the garden, maybe had dinner in some outside cafe. Regardless of what we did, it would have been amazing, because days like today, being outside together, fill us both up with such joy. We just had a long bike riding day not too long ago, and one of my fondest memories of that day was when she took off her helmet, and the wind took her hair a little bit. She had a rosy glow on her face. She looked so beautiful. We crossed a bridge earlier in the day and riding behind her I saw her smile at the majestic scenery that we were witnessing, a bridge, downtown skyline, and her smile at it all. I fell in love with her all over again at that moment.
I had a day today. But not nearly the one I'd have had if I was with her. And it breaks my heart.
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