every day thoughts

here's what goes through my mind on an average day.

i wake up. my husband gets up before me, so he's usually in the shower when i wake up. if not, he'll come in and gently rub my leg until i wake up. a thousand times better than an alarm clock. or he'll send in my cat to meow in my ear. still, better than alarm.

i usually shower the night before so i don't have to get up early to do it. so i lay in bed, making up excuses not to get up. call in sick. go in late. i usually check the news on my phone while i'm drifting in and out of sleep, debating my option. most of the time, i bite the bullet and get up. sometimes i'll wait long enough so H has left for work so i don't have to drive him to the train.

i pull on any clothing that will fit and put in my earrings. at this point, i think about if i lived alone, i could get up anytime i wanted. there wouldn't be anyone clanging around, hogging the bathroom, slamming dresser drawers. i could listen to music or turn on the news while i get ready.

i think about leaving. last night, i was thinking about how i would tell him. where i would go. what i would pack. i would take my shampoo and lotion and brush and hair dryer and flat iron and toothbrush and iphone charger and laptop and.... it just makes me so sad. do i have to leave? who am i leaving for? for D? for myself?

but i'm sad here, too. i realized last night in the shower that i'm wasting my life for someone else. i am making him happy at my expense. but i am also doing that with D. i hate myself most of the time. for not taking my happiness into account. for not standing my ground. for having an affair. for not trying harder. for not demanding what i need in a marriage. i haven't done all i could to save it. but do i want to? i have no idea.

i think that's why i would leave. not for D, but to know for sure what i want. yes, D is a diamond in the rough, but sometimes i think he would want too much from me. and yes, H doesn't pay a ton of attention to me, but i feel i can work with that more than i can talk D into hanging on less. H and i used to be very close. we used to make our friends sick with how much we loved each other. we work very well for the most part. but he doesn't know how much last year sucked for me. sure, maybe he should just know. but maybe not. i hide my sadness pretty well. i am very stoic. because i don't want anyone to feel bad because i feel bad.

but i am at a crossroads. there are three things i can do if i leave: go to D, work things out with H, or just leave and stay single. i gotta say, being single sounds amazing right now. all i really want is no fucking strings attached. i'm tired of wondering how to get out. i'm tired of not making any plans because i don't know who i'll be with. THIS is what sucks the most. H and i have talked about buying a house. before D, i would be pushing this through, to hell with the market. but now... now i sit on it. i put my dream on hold because i feel it wouldn't be fair to D because of all of the shit we talked about. WHY??? I DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING! I WANT A FUCKING HOUSE! i want to move forward with the man i married, to hell with empty promises made to lovers.

but here's the catch: H doesn't think we can get out of our current mortgage because of the market. we're currently refinancing. and here's my partial thinking: if we get a divorce, i'd ask for the place because he hates it and hates the neighborhood. and if we refi, then the payments will be lower and i'll be able to afford it on my own. this thinking makes me sick. makes me so fucking sad. but the god's honest truth is i don't play well with others. i want to redesign the place, make it our own. but H has so much crap that he holds onto. plus, he's not handy at all. if he left, i could do whatever i wanted. there would be so much more room.

i think i pigeon-hole myself in these relationships so i have an excuse not to reach my full potential. i am as shitty as the man i'm with. if i choose low achievers, then i don't have to try as hard. H doesn't want me to open my own shop because it's risky. therefore, i don't. D would totally support me 100% in opening a shop without giving proper thought to the risk. so i don't. if i was on my own, i could do it and sink or swim, on my own.

i let these people hold me back because i'm afraid. i hide behind them. H isn't a go-getter. D doesn't have much earning power (well, not at the job he has). H will stay at his job until the day he dies because he hates change. D can't seem to settle on job he'd actually stay at and enjoy. H's security is calming but he'll never make a ton of money. i don't know.

i don't know what it will take to make me happy. neither one of them seem to fit the bill at the moment. the only one i can truly rely on is myself.