I think differently than most people. I tend to collect as much information as I can and instantaneously come out with a resolution. I see the inner workings of things, I see the gears and switches. As a child I used to do the little puzzle mazes in a magazine. Instead of doing what most children did and run my finger along each pathway from the end towards the start, I already saw the answer. What I would do is focus on all the incorrect paths, where they went wrong, where they could have been the right path. So when you looked at my puzzle, I had every wrong path drawn out in pen. Every single path except for the right one. Its my fault that I don't explain things to people sometimes. It was my fault then, when I looked like the stupidest kid in class, and its my fault now.
It was brought up today a few things that really bother me. But they're all my fault. I don't explain myself. I don't explain the why and how sometimes.
For instance when K brought up the fact that I would be behind her 100% if she wanted to open a shop, but I didn't understand the risk. The thing is, I already did think of all of that. Here's how and what I think. If we are together, and you've saved up the money to start whatever kind of shop you'd like, be it, soap, cheese, yarn, little duckies... If we are together, and we are partners, and you've thought it through, and have a game plan and the finances to back you, with a little extra cash left over to float on a bit. I'm behind you 100%. I will support you, I will work at your shop with you on days when I can to relieve you, to save money on additional help. I will work my regular job, I will be there for moral support and back rubs. I'll be there to do whatever. I would put fliers up, go to libraries and stick them in related books and magazines. Start a topic on Craigslist. If you wanted a full time partner, we could discuss that too.
She hates her job, it doesn't fulfill her, it makes her unhappy. You're damn right I support it. Whats the drawback? Well, small businesses go under all the time. She might arrive at a place where she sunk time and money into a failed investment. But its money. She has a degree. She can find another job. She's damn good at what she does and I would have no worries about her finding employment. If things got tight, I'd get a second job, or a third. Its what you do as a partner. If I had a dream that was within my reach, its what I'd want from the person I was with. So theres no good reason for her not to attempt hers. None. If things go well and her shop picks up, amazing. She'd be thrilled, I'd be happy for the chance to help her fulfill a dream. If things went bad, and theres a lot smaller chance with that happening with K, than with most, because of how much thought and planning she puts into things. If you wanna know how much thought and planning she puts into things, all you have to do is ask about her garden. Or the amount of work and planning she put into her high school reunion. But, if things did go bad, well at least she can say she took her shot, and together we'd pick up the pieces and discuss whats next. Id rather see her try and fail than not at all.
Now that's all fine and good that I think that way. But I'm the dumbass. She brings things up like this to me and what do I say. "Lets do it!" I can see why she thinks that I dont put any thought into things, and its because I don't explain the thought I had put behind it. Sometimes its because I wait for someone to ask me the how and why, sometimes, its a matter of time. Sometimes I just get a little too excited. Whatever the case, its my fault. The only way I can describe it is something that happened recently, K was driving, and I was giving directions. But i forgot to keep giving them sometimes. Why? Because I knew the way already, therefor so does she. But it doesnt work that way. I need to be better at that.
How do you explain to someone that you're afraid? That maybe the reason you cling a little too tight is that you're frightened that they might leave. That you worry about it all the time. How do you tell a person that? "Hey, please try to stick with me a little here, please try to hang on as long as you can so I can breathe a little?" I worry about it a lot. I get nervous thinking about it. I'm nervous today thinking about tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow she tells me she doesnt want to see me again. That all this is over.
There's a lot of times when it's felt like there's no tomorrow between us. This relationship is important to me. I've worked hard at it, I've put in a lot thought and feeling into it. You never want to feel like you're smothering a person, you never want to seem needy or clingy. I most certainly dont. I learned a long time ago that the best relationships are formed from the linking of two circles. It's important to have interests that are different, things that you enjoy doing without the person that you're involved with. From the relationship I have with K, its easy for her to see that I'd be this person always calling, always wanting to hang out. But the fact of the matter is, there are things that I'd not want to do with her, and I'm sure vise versa with me. I would probably check out her weekly get together maybe once or twice a year. But thats simply because for me its important to get a view into her world. Its not something I'd enjoy on a weekly basis. And as far as I go, there would be a time when I'd want to watch an ass ton amounts of sports, or go out to the bars, or play basketball with friends, where she'd just have no interest. I'm sure she'd come out here and there to see what I'm up to, but not all the time. I like that though, I like coming back from separate corners and having tales to tell. I do enjoy most everything K has shown interest in this point. I mean really. Window shopping, antique stores, thrift shopping, exploring, just generally being outside. We have a lot of similar interests, but enough dissimilar ones to keep us apart on days when I know she'd be happy just to be alone.
But why cant I paint that picture? Why is it that I have to come across as clingy? But I do things, and I dont explain them, or I explain them and I don't emphasize the importance that they have on me. I ask her to do things all the time, because theres so little time for us to do things. There's so much working against us spending time together. I understand before my week even begins that theres no way possible for us to spend everyday together, but the days I'm off I like to put forth options. In a perfect world, I would just tell her, "hey, I have friday and saturday off, pick one." But it doesnt work that way. She has an entire life that I'm not involved in. This week for example, she's busy all weekend. I have wednesday, friday, and saturday off. I know saturdays out of the picture, and friday nights she's usually busy, that just really leaves us with wednesday. That's the one day I get to look forward to seeing her and spending time together. The other few moments we spend together during a week will be short. But I need to do a better job of understanding that for her, she's already under a time crunch. That she has all of these balls she's juggling. I have to learn to be patient and wait for her to come to me sometimes. Its hard for me not to be proactive, but its something I must learn to let her breathe a little easier.
Sex. K, and I have different viewpoints on sex, but I will admit, I get a little pushy at times. I can get a little hung up on it at times, because for me it represents the closeness of our relationship. There's no time, when I feel more vulnerable as a person than when I'm with them sexually. I really do try to connect with the person I'm with during sex. I want us to join together as one during it. I want to just let go of all my thoughts and just be with that person. But thats my feelings. I shouldn't let my feelings towards sex, overpower how another person feels. Its wrong, and it makes me feel like an asshole.
If anything this blog has taught me is that I'm grateful for having an open forum in which to post down thoughts and information that are bubbling to the surface of my mind. The other is that no detail is too small, and that I need to say things to K when I'm thinking them. I may be afraid of what she'll say or how she'll take it but I do need to say them. Also that there are things I dont want to say here. Things that I'll save and talk to her about first, and then maybe I'll post them here.
Its never easy when someone calls you on your shit. Its not easy to hear that you're a pushy, clingy, guy that doesnt put a lot of thought into things. Its even worse when you hear those things and say yeah, I guess I can see how she thinks that, because I sure as shit havent explained enough for her to think otherwise. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm going to try not to hide this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment