Jealousy

I don't think our relationship has ever been a "traditional affair".  I never really thought of this as just sex. I've always liked K, even before we first started getting together. We talked. We had started to build the foundation of a very good friendship. We worked together, we would talk about what was happening out in the world, share her interests with me, talk about her relationship with her husband. I would share my nightly doings, where I was going, and who with, what was going on with my sinking relationship at the time, and she'd talk me up. She'd give me advice.  One day I had mentioned wanting to take some photographs around the city, and I believe I asked K if she would go, because she owned a very good camera and shes very good company. So we went, we sat at a diner, she took the worlds best photo of me ever, and we talked.  It was at this point we started to text each other on the phone.

So day after day, all day we'd text. I think we were both pretty lonely at that point and in need of a connection. We shared mutual days off, so we found things to do together. Mostly shopping, but some wandering around town too.

So before any of this started we already knew we really enjoyed hanging out together, talking all day, and each others personalities. And that's kind of the point. For me, if she was single, we would have just been dating at that point. There was no point in this relationship where it was just sex with me.

I tried to convince myself otherwise because of the fact that she was married. The sex was and still is amazing, so that helps, but I've always enjoyed her.  Which is why I'm jealous.

A lot of men will tell you that having an affair with a married lady is great. The whole, "Why are you complaining, you're getting all the fun and all the sex, with none of the responsibilities", While that may be true for some guys, its just not for me.  I care about her. I stick around after the sex, I talk to her. I text her right after she leaves most of the time. It sucks to see her go.

See its not just the responsibilities you get when you're not the other man in the relationship. Look, I live by myself. I do all my own shit. Nobody cleans up after me, nobody cooks for me, I do the shopping, pay all the bills. So that whole thing is bullshit. The responsibilities are even better!

OK so being the other man, here's the things you're missing:

1. Responsibility: I want responsibility, I want to be responsible for bills, cleaning and etc. But the main thing I want is responsibility for her, and her well being. When shes sick, I don't get to rush over and care for her, treat her how I think she should be treated. I get to say awwww through a text message, and tell her how I wish I could do something. I also want the teamwork. Teamwork's awesome. I'll cook while you're on your way home, you pick up a movie and wine! Yay!

2. Birthdays, and Holidays: Yeah, if you care about the woman you're with, and even worse, love. This is gonna suck. HARD.  Forget about it, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines Day,New Years Eve, her birthday. Nope not yours, you both can wish as much as you want but she's gonna be off with her husband, and you're gonna be there with your heart in your hand. You can do what you can to try to share the holidays, but its never the same as actually being there. December 20th isnt christmas guys!

3. Friends and family: You may get to meet them, but they'll never know who you are, and most certainly that means when you're around them you're gonna have to be on your best behavior. No kissing, touching, hugging or the such.

4. Time: God this one sucks. You don't have time. You get X amount and that's it. If shes supposed to be home at 7 and all you want to do is walk and get ice cream, or make love, or just have a little longer, no dice. No overnight trips, no sleeping together in the same bed, no road trips, no vacations. Nada. After hanging out all day, out and about, wanna lay down together and watch a movie and fall asleep? Nope.

5. Gifts: You cant just buy them anything that you want to. I wanted to buy K a hockey jersey for her birthday but I couldn't, I was nervous about the clothing item I did buy for her. I try to think to myself that I can buy her anything that she would buy for herself, or has an interest in where shed buy something for.

6. Sex: The woman you're with is going to have sex with someone else. You get to know about it, the husband does not. This one wrecks me from time to time. I tend to do the super healthy thing and ostrich my head in the sand, but there have been times when I've nearly launched shit across the room because I let the idea linger in my mind a bit too long.

7: The future: I like to do things, I'm really not happy sitting around doing nothing. I also like knowing whats going on in the immediate future. So if I have a Saturday free, I like to be able to discuss it with the woman I'm with. I'm not saying anything has to be set in stone, but its nice to talk about.  This includes everything: vacations, road trips, friends birthdays, bbq's, planning for a family, a move, a new house or apartment. I rarely get to plan anything out too far in the future with K. We've talked about it more recently and I've been extremely happy about it.

8. Certainties:  I like security. At the moment I am really not secured. I like knowing that I'm going to see a person that day, and even if that day isn't the best day, that they're gonna be there the next. K and I have our love that ties us. But I'm usually not certain when I'll see her again.  This has been a lot better for me lately. But in all honesty, I wont be able to breath a sigh of relief until we are actually together.

9: Communication: This one is huge too. There are times I'd want to call K on the phone and talk to her, knowing that she's going to pick up. There are times when I'd like her to see my texts as soon as I send them. Its a lot of waiting, and a lot of knowing they just aren't available to you right at that moment. I think about often what would happen if there was an emergency, or if someone close to me was hurt or killed and it was at night. I'd be heartbroken, because the one person I'd want to talk to isn't available. I know she'd be heartbroken too.

10: No common areas or items: We cant really shop for things for "us". We don't share a space, or an apartment, or a home. It also bothers me when I see her buying things for their home. Guh. Luckily she really hasn't done this too much when I'm with her. She bought her husband pants once and I nearly lost my shit.

11: Personal Details: I get jealous of the things that her husband gets to do with her that I do not. New Years Eve, going out to dinner, hanging out with her friends, holidays, birthdays, vacations.  I also have the feeling a bunch of the things I do that I wish she were there. Walking around, hanging with friends, bbq's, shows.


So theres most of it, most of the things I'm jealous about. Things that keep me up some nights, some that make me angry as well. I think I do a good job of keeping my jealousy in check but it gets hard. But these are the rules I have to live by until the day comes when we are together. Until then, fuck you, to anyone who thinks this is easy.