isolating

not only is having a husband who really doesn't care all that much lonely, having an affair can be very isolating.

not one of my friends knows about this. NOT. ONE.

i didn't tell any of my friends for several reasons.

1) they like my husband
2) i don't want them to feel badly for him when we're all out together
3) i don't want to be judged.
4) i don't want people constantly asking about it.
5) i don't want pressure to make a decision based on my friends' opinion.

sure there are some friends i could tell, but it's a slippery slope. i mean, it's been a year and a half and this is the first public mention of it by me. some of D's friends know, but that's a bit different. he doesn't have a wife to shield or people who might open their big mouths and say something.

but here's how the isolation works. case in point: i had a dinner date with an old friend i had lost touch with. just a few years ago, i found him on FB. he was always fun to hang out with, so we planned to catch up over drinks and/or dinner.

i was looking forward to this until i imagined how talk of my marriage would go. this guy, E, is someone i can see opening up to about the affair. he was a player in his day, he's down to earth, he would totally see my side. but then it becomes the focal point of the conversation. it's hard to go from, "hey, i'm sleeping with another man" to "wow, this wine is really good. how are your kids?"

i know i'm just reading into it too much. but i think about D so much it's almost hard to carry on a normal life. plus, even if i wasn't screwing around, what the hell am i going to say? "hey, my life sucks because it's never going to change, my job sucks, i've hit the cardboard ceiling?"

i cancelled the dinner. i have been doing this a lot lately. i was supposed to go to a seminar with a really good friend: cancelled. i almost cancelled dinner with friends (and the husband) a few weekends ago. i almost backed out of going to a party with friends last week. i just don't want to do anything. it's just such a hassle. but when you really get down to it, it's not. it's not like i have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. sometimes it's actually nice to get away from reality. but... i don't know. i hate appointments. HATE!

reading this now i should just text E back and say i'll go. but now i have some free time away from home until 8 or so. but then, what would i do? sit around in my own head and agonize over the state of my life? ooooo sounds fun. maybe i'm just depressed because of the weather these days. maybe i am just paralyzed by how unstable my life is. i am just so tired all the time. all the time. i don't want to get up. i don't want to go to work. i go home, i want to go to bed. i just don't care anymore.

damn, i should have gone out with E. it would have taken my mind off this shit for a while.