shit

well, i guess things are going to change. a lot. my marriage will end. i will move somewhere else. i will have to tell my friends that i fucked up but good. my life will change irreparably. and i am not comfortable with that. i like change, but maybe i like the idea of change more than i actually like change.

i have shit planned. i have Bike the Drive Memorial Day Weekend. i'm supposed to go to a wedding in June. i have a trail race in July. i'm supposed to go to North Carolina in the beginning of September. after that, i got nothing. come december i'll have tons of shit going on. fuck. now what?

i want to take allegra and now i feel like i shouldn't. i want ibuprofen. i want sushi. i want diet pepsi. shit. instead, i'm eating almonds and drinking earl grey... with sugar and not equal. who the hell am i? i said i would never be like this. that i would skydive and run and bike and jump rope and kickbox. and take cold medicine. fuck. why do they make it like this?

what about my friends, my parents? shit. i will have to get a divorce. poor H. he has no idea. he still loves me. i lay awake last night and thought about how i don't want to be married anymore. i want to go to bed when i want, wake up when i want, watch what i want, eat what i want. but i'll miss him. he loves me. i often wonder what would have happened had i never met D. i would probably still be bored out of my mind. i get bored easily.

but for the next 20 fucking years, i won't be bored. fuck. i don't have enough in retirement. i'll be fucking 58 years goddamn years old. i want to go to Nepal. i want a summer home. i don't want to get fat. i was supposed to lose 20 pounds. i hate throwing up. i don't want to squeeze 7 pounds out of my tiny vagina. shit!

shit!

i guess i'm glad i stopped doing lines. heh-heh.

i drank wine over the weekend! OMG! it will be deformed! it will get into U of I and not Yale! crap!! i've doomed it for life!

ugh, then i'll have to hang out with jerky parents and their jerky kids. and school! shit!!!! what the hell am i going to do??! i don't care about of any of that crap!!

FUCK!!!!!

and my past

FILL THIS IN, D!!!!!!!

OK! OK!

I promised K, a few weeks ago that I would make a list of my past lovers, jobs, and locations. And I did! But I was embarassed a little by it so I never published it, and I copy pasta'd all the text so I could just put it on notepad and save it. Notepad crashed and in trying to fix it, I copied something from a web page and all my work was lost. I really do need to get an apple.

So here goes nuffin:

1975- Born- Chicago, IL
1984- Moved- Nekoosa, Wi
1992- Moved- Chicago IL
1993- Worked- McDonalds  Hell yeah, never should have left, I'd be head fry cook by now
1993- Worked Walgreens
1994- (1) Melissa B
1995- (2) Tracy    I remembered her name!!
1995- (3-4) Julie P and Katrina
1995- Julie by herself
1995- Worked at Office Max
1995- Worked Custodian at Midway Airport
1995- (5) Ann
1995- (6) Samantha
1996- Moved to Ft Lauderdale, FL
1996- Worked Ace Hardware
1996- Worked Pier 66 as a valet
1997-Moved Chicago, IL
1997- Samantha again
1997- (\7) Lindsey
1997- (8) Cassandra
1997- (9) Cathy
1997- (10) Beth
1997- (11) Michelle R
1997- (12) Erin K   the only girl I ever asked to marry
1997- Worked North Community Bank
1997- Worked Metro Messenger Service
1997- Worked Office Temp
1997- Walgreens again
1998- (13) Girl from NYE party..sorry i cant remember her name it was that rememberable
1998- (14,15,16,17)  Jenny, Rachel, Heather, and Jane
1998- (18) Candy.....no she wasnt a stripper or a hooker  haha
1999- Worked at Blockbuster
1999- (19) Geraldine
1999- (20) Una
1999- (21) Olvia
2000- (22) Jenny T
2000- (23) Jenny S
2000- (24) Autumn
2000- Worked City of Chicago Dept of Revenue
2000- (25) Victoria
2005- Worked ManPower temp service
2005- Worked FansEdge back of house
2005- Victoria again
2006- (26) Michelle
2006- Made soap!
2006- Worked ManPower again
2007- Moved to Elmwood Park, IL
2008- (27) Cathy at neices wedding
2008- Worked at Starbucks
2009- (28) Terisa
2010- (29) Alex
2012- (30) K.
2012- Worked at Apple

Thats my life in a kinda nutshell. Im sure theres a couple jobs that I messed up, and places and times that might be a little askew. But yeah, A whole ball of suck. Until recently.

Why I'm here or why the hell havent I abandoned ship yet

I never really expected to meet K. She seems like some pipe dream that I once dreamed up laying awake late at night.

I start my new job in the morning. I have a headache from too many cigarettes, and too many beers that have been forced upon myself, by myself to try to get some sleep. But I cant. My thoughts consume me. I think about her always.

I want to tell you all about her. About why I'm here. About why I'd risk falling in love with a married woman, why I'd be able to look into her eyes and see everything I could possibly want in another human being and have it just so close, almost at the figertips. Just grazing them, letting you know that if you just hang in there. Just a little while longer. But this isnt about the wait. Its about the woman.

K and I formed a quick friendship, as a matter of fact, everything about our relationship has been quick. Its not to say that it's been rushed, because it hasn't. But it's been seamless. I think of my relationship with K as that perfect tub of bathwater. You come home beaten by the day, looking for solace, and comfort. So you run yourself a bath. Its that one in a million baths that you run, the one thats just slightly above body temperature that you slide into without a wince. It feels good. Warm, comforting. Just hot enough to release the stress, the tension, but not hot enough to be uncomfortable, but not cold and lipid either. That is how I feel when I am with her. She comes into my viewpoint, and nothing else matters. I am with her now. She that fills me with love. With compassion. With interest.

She and I have an ease about us. Never when we're together is there a lull. But never is it forced either. Its like two streams meeting. Neither one stronger than the other, but a perfect combined determination to flow together. To create oneness. She is the reason I'm here, my purpose for writing.

At first it was friendship. We both needed the attention from the other. She an ignored housewife, and myself a castoff of a relationship I thought full of promise. Feeling dejected I sought solace in her. What I found was so much more. She fixed me up. Made me happy. I was still a little blinded through the process. Not knowing where my bearings lie. But through the fog she was my lighthouse. As the confusion over what it is or what I was doing was lifted I saw her. I saw her for the first time in all of her glory. I saw her for who she is.

She is a caring person. She feels the slight of others, and the slight that others feel. She's compassionate. She cares about giving to those that have had a rough break. She cares about things that are helpless, that are in need. She pitches in. She gives back. It breaks my heart to see her feel like her contributions don't matter. Like she can't give enough. She gives more than most, tries hard to make the world a better place, and asks almost nothing in return. I don't do enough. But if I can give to, and build up a woman that does such great things isnt that enough to make me kind of OK?

I dont mind the opinions of others. I am strong enough to shirk or beat down any notion of the contrary, so I dont mind. I could be the man behind this woman. I could support her and build her up for the things that she was meant for. She is great. She is one of the few people I have met in my life that I would gladly lie down and die for. I would support her with every ounce of my being as she supports all of you. If that is my lot in this life, I would truly die with a smile on my face.

I watch her intently, at first it was to find some flaw. Something I could hitch my hat to and say, "well, thats that then." But it doesn't exist. Its not to say she's perfect. But she gives. All god damned day long. She shops, she picks out things, she grows things from dirt, she makes things by loving hand. I see all of this and want it for my own. Knowing that I could reciprocate, knowing that I could make her feel as appreciated as she should feel. Not from words. not from thank you's. But by meaning.  This is my oath. This is my manifesto.

Nowhere that she goes, and nothing that she does shall ever go unnoticed. Not by me. Her compassion fuels me, he love warms me, her attention drives me. Never again shall I roam.

I told you that I would tell you why I loved her one day and here it is. She is my beacon home.

The last few days at cuddle sharks headquarters

Look. Neither of us knows exactly what the fuck we're doing. We're not experts. I've never been involved with anyone thats been with someone currently, and I know this isnt exactly how K had planned her life going.

K and I hit a bit of a rough patch. We get really close, really fast. When she does I tend to forget that she's married and think of her more like a girlfriend. That's my mistake. I forget that when she leaves me that she has to have time and space to sort of shake the cobwebs free of me, and slip back into her life. But when things are moving quickly, and when they do its a bit of a whirlwind, what happens is that I want more. There's a good saying. "What is happiness? Well, its a moment before you need more happiness."  I can't say that I've ever really met anyone like K before. I think what I enjoy about her most is the conversations. I'm in the customer service field. I talk to hundreds of people on a given day. I've never really enjoyed the conversations that I've had as much as the ones I've had with K.

The day before I took a chance, and went out to see K to talk. We sorted through somethings, and at first things we were a little edgy but she asked if I wanted to go shopping with her, and soon enough, we settled into being K and D again. We play off of each other amazingly well. Theres rarely ever an awkward silence between the two of us, it seems like we always have something to talk about. Two people that are genuinely interested in each others lives, even the mundane shit, is like each other telling some epic tale of monsters eating babies, or something of that nature. When we talk, we get closer, we laugh, we flirt, we just all around just enjoy whatever it is we're doing. Whether I forget to tell her that the cheese she's about to eat tastes like swiss, which she hates, or the fact that she shoves the most awful smelling soap in my nose holes, before telling me, yeah, thats pretty awful.

We took a drive from the store and sat down at an awesome bakery and had some dessert. It was the best part of my day. We tried each others desserts, we held hands, she drank milk!, and for good long moment I forgot everything else in my life and was truly there at that place with her. Nothing else mattered. I have those moments all the time with her, and its really one of the best feelings you can ever have. The feeling of not wanting to be anywhere else but where you are. It didnt matter to me that the gates had opened at the ballpark to where I'm almost religiously there when that happens. Like I said, no place I'd rather be, and when it comes to the Cubs thats saying something.

She dropped me off, I went to the game, and had a pretty damn good day, considering where it had started.

I had taken the train out to meet K today, and our day ended a little prematurely due to her having stuff to do, and the place that we tried to go to was closed due to renovations but in the brief amount of time we did have, I had fun. It was light and easy. I'm trying not to be so pressing on everything, trying to ease back and let us both breath again. It's hard though. I see her and I immediately want to hug her, kiss her, make love to her. Its hard for me to feel passionate about someone I feel so strongly about and have to constrain my emotions.  But things were light. We went to a antique shop, where I made a crude joke about a rusty trombone,  we went to a craft supply place so K could pick up some of the things that she loves most in the world, and then after that we went to an olive oil shop, picked up some chocolates, and I bought K a little silver spoon.  When we candoodle, K and I often end up spooning. She often calls me her big spoon, and that would make her my little spoon. So immediately when I saw them I knew I had to buy her one. I think she was so enamored with the chocolates that she didnt immediately put two and two together until I said," a little spoon for my little spoon". She told me she stuck it in her wallet which means to me that she really enjoyed it.  I contemplated just calling it a day there, so she wouldnt have to drive me all the way home, and because I'm really trying hard to be more of a gentleman and respect her wishes.

The hardest part of this relationship for me has been the time constraints. Theres just so much that I'd like to do with her that I just cant right now. When we were at the antique shop there was an old steam kettle. K mentioned how she'd like to take something like that camping, and immediately I just want to spend a weekend with her outdoors, a campfire, a tent and a million miles between everyone else but the two of us. I'd kill to be able to spend a weekend with her unconstrained. No cell phones, no messages, no emails. Just the two of us finally being able to enjoy each others company. But I didnt say it this time. I held it back. I've said it a thousand times before, she knows that I'd love to do that. I forget sometimes that everytime an idea comes to my head that the other person doesnt have to hear it right then and there.

In a normal relationship there isnt that need to do something all the time. That you know that today may very well be that day you just hang out and watch tv, listen to an album together, cook dinner together. When you're me, when I see her,  you want to go explore and do everything right then and there. You want to make love everytime you see that person. Why? Well because youve been thinking about them for an X amount of days that you havent seen them, and you dont know how many days until you've seen them next. It makes it pressing. It makes it a need to. Its something I know I'm going to have to be better about. I have to let things come to me rather than chase them. Its one of the hardest things in the world for me. I've had to work for everything I have.

So we get back to my place as she's dropping me off outside and she says she has to go, I'm trying as hard as I can not to do what I've done in the past. I'm trying not to be a pain in the ass about leaving, and making things hard on her. But I can feel myself slip. I mope and pout a bit when I dont get what I want from her. Its hard for me not to express that I wish I had more time to hang out, more time to kiss, time to hug, time to have her come upstairs and make love. But what I want most of all is let her know that I'm listening to her. That I care what she wants, and what's going to make her life easier, both for right now, and in the future. If I cant prove I'm that person now, then what chance do I have to prove that I'm going to be that guy for her in the future? So I said, "One more good one." And we kiss passionately and I ask her if she wants more. She says maaaaaaaybe. And thats all I need for today. Just a maybe, just an opportunity to prove that I'm not entirely the guy she's seen these last few months.

I still miss her as soon as she's gone. I didnt text her when she left. I wanted to. I wanted to let her know I've had a great time these last couple days. That I wish that there was more time. I know she know's I'm in love with her. I am. I still can't walk into something that we've either talked about or something that she see's that she likes and not want to buy it for her. That part about me I can't change. She deserves good things in life. She's an amazingly giving person. One day I'll make a post explaining everything about her it is that I fell in love with, but todays not that day.

at what point do you throw in the towel? and what if the other half of your relationship doesn't want that towel to be thrown in? then what? who is right?

i told him i would break his heart. i knew i would. there was no way i could not. despite his assertions to contrary, i could never be happy leaving my husband for another man. i don't care how other people do it, i don't care how the movies do it, i just CANNOT do it. i've tried in the past. and i just can't handle the guilt.

but D tells me that all will be fine. i hate it when he plays spin doctor. like he knows me better than i do. i am not the typical woman who just follows her heart and skips along the primrose path to where ever her man leads her. it makes me very angry when D tells me that i will or won't feel a particular way. ESPECIALLY when i know he's saying this because he wants it to be true. he really doesn't know, he's just saying it because he needs it to be that way in order for things to work out in his favor.

and this is the reason i am at my wits end. when i say, "i don't want this...," this being him staying at the hotel with me, him making plans that require me to come up with a considerable chunk of time, sex, champagne and strawberries in his smoke-filled apartment, he seems to think that i really mean, "i'm not sure." but i'm not like the other girls he's dated. i don't need to give into a man's every whim so he's happy, rather than me. A LOT of girls do that. it's our downfall. our reason for being considered the weaker sex. "the woman behind the man" syndrome. fuck that. i don't care who the fuck you are, if it's going to make me feel like i'd rather be somewhere else, then i'm not going to do it. if i'm going to regret giving in, then i'm not going to.

and someone overriding my feelings makes me very, very angry.

and he does it all the time. he can be pushy, even over-bearing sometimes. i do not like relationships like this. i cannot handle relationships like this. like i'm constantly being crushed. smothered. pulled in a direction i don't want to go in. sometimes it's easier to give in and just go with it. but when i want what i want, and it doesn't jive with what he wants, then it's all-out, throw-down power struggle.

he bought tickets for tonight's baseball game. he didn't take me to last year's opener. as a matter of fact, he went out of his way to ask every girl but me to go. i was pissed. so he bought tickets to the second game of the year. but here's the problem: i don't want to be subjected to his complaining about our relationship for 3 hours. i walked out of his apartment on Friday because i got tired of the power struggle. i am tired of him doing nothing but talking about how much he loves me. how much he wanted (insert event here) to work out so we could just have a good time. because it would make HIM happy. but it never makes me happy. ever. i am always feeling guilty. ALWAYS. and he doesn't care. oh, sure, he says he feels bad, but he never changes anything he does. so he doesn't feel bad enough to actually think about his actions before he does them. so i am taking the actions out of the equation.

i know he can't sit there at the ball game and NOT talk about this crap. and i am TIRED of this talking, talking, talking. there is no resolution that would make both of us happy. and he just doesn't get that. and now, it really doesn't have anything to do with my being married. i seriously, seriously doubt i could date someone who is this into a relationship. i am not romantic. coming down to my hotel room when i expressly said i wanted to be alone ISN'T ROMANTIC. i am not 25. hell, i didn't think it was romantic when i was 25.

i am a cynic. i know that love is just a chemical reaction in the body that eventually goes away. maybe it will mellow into something that can last. maybe you'll just be left standing there wondering what the fuck you were thinking. i do not believe in serendipity, fate, romance. i would rather have something useful than flowers. i would rather have a house than a diamond ring. i would rather have affection than stuff.

but more importantly, i would rather have respect for my feelings than anything else. even if that means that this relationship ends.

and just for the record, i feel AWFUL about breaking my promise to go to the game tonight. it doesn't make me happy to hurt someone else. ever. and he's begging me to go, that i promised, that we'll have a good time. he'll have a good time. i won't. but he doesn't get that.

more feelings

but he does SO MUCH for me. he woke up at 8am to come see me in my 5 mile run. he made me a sign. he would walk to the ends of the earth for me. he's cooked and baked for me. he's bought me some great gifts. he listens to me bitch. he's always there when i'm having a bad day. and when i'm having a good day. i want to make him feel better. i want to give him what he wants. i want to give in.

but i can't right now. so i just end up feeling bad all the time. like right now.

nothing more than....

feelings.

friday was rough. i wasn't in mood for canoodling and i should have spent time with my sister rather than seeing D for 5th time that week. but i promised him that i would have a drink with him to celebrate his new job. 

i thought we'd go out to a bar, but he got champagne and strawberries. i knew this wasn't going to end well. i wasn't in the mood to talk about feelings and have him pose answers i don't have. sometimes i wish he would just be in the moment. sometimes i miss the days when our relationship was easier. i could come and go as i please, we made plans and just had a good time. he didn't hold on so tightly. i'm going to say it: he can be like a woman sometimes. and i have programmed myself to not embrace the over-emotional temperaments that usually define the true meaning of "woman." i also have little patience for it. if i said i don't want it, i don't want to talk about it, i don't want to do it, it means i don't want to do it. and the more you push, the less i'll want to do it.

but here is the reality of having an affair: i have to temper my feelings. i have no choice. it's not like i can give in to all of my whims or his. 

here's an example.

i had a hotel room for saturday night. i was going to be doing something downtown early in the morning, so i stayed down there. at first, my husband was going to stay with me. but he's kind of a stick in the mud, so i asked him to stay home. so i was alone. in a hotel room. downtown. and here is the constant struggle i have. invite D to stay. deal with the awkwardness that might arise trying to hide him from my friends. deal with the guilt of sex. but enjoy just being with him without distraction. have sex in a bed. watch TV. sleep with him. have him be big spoon all night long. BUT. i NEVER get any time to myself. i share a bed with another guy every night. to just be able to stay up as long i want. to do whatever i want. to hog the whole bed. to not worry about snoring. to sleep all night long and not worry about being woke up in the middle of the night. to pee with the bathroom door open. basically: freedom.

but i told him i was alone. he didn't reply on iMessage. i thought he was pissed. then the phone rang. phone? i knew it was him. and i'm instantly torn. turn him down and stay true to what i honestly want but risk breaking his heart even more? or do i let him up and compromise my free time? i let him up. i told him that i was angry. and that he could come in but that he had to leave at 11pm. 

i admire his tenacity, but i had been relaxed until that phone rang. then i was just a whole host of emotions. instead of being flattered i was kind of mad at him. maybe i should have told him explicitly that i wanted to be alone before he even thought about coming down. i'm not sure what to say about it. is he being selfish by just doing whatever he wants in the name of me. i'm not sure if i'm selfish for wanting him to think about NOT doing some of things he does. i am not a 20-something girl. i am a middle-aged woman. for the most part, i know what i want. i know when i want to be alone. i know when i want to talk. and i know it's typical of most guys to think that women would be happy with a guy vying for their attention all the time. but honestly, i'm just too old to be making someone else happy at the sacrifice for my own happiness. that's what most chicks do, and i already do it for H. and i know that D isn't pleased with that, but H beat him to it. 

i'm tired of the compromises that D forces me to make. and it makes me anxious all of the times i have to push him away. i don't want to have to push him away. i think if he gives me some space, if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get a lot more of me. but i have no idea what will happen. maybe i'll love the freedom. actually, i think that's bullshit. every time i push him away and i go a day without hearing talking to him, i get sad. something is missing. but i don't want to tell him that because then i think maybe he'll think that he should just try to talk to me more. i feel like any inch i give to him, he'll try to take a mile from me. so i hold back. i don't like being pressured. 

he left last night, after i had to beg him to. he got caught in the rain and i said something to the effect that my bed was more comfortable with him in it. so he came back!! arrgh! yes, it's romantic... to a much younger woman who isn't trying to go to sleep before a 5 mile race!! this is the kind of thing i wish he would think about before doing it. 

Me:

I hope you're keeping dry

Thank you for coming to see me

D:

It's pouring a little. You never have to thank me sweetheart. It was the best part of my day

Thank you for wanting to see me

I could always come back ;)

Me:

Heh

D:

I'm in a doorway smoking a cigarette

Me:

What doorway?

I can see the lightening really well from the bed

D:

Right outside the hotel. 

Yeah it just opened up as I was walking. 

How I envy that bed

Me:

Boooooo!

It kinda sucks

But I understand what you mean

D:

It's not bad. It was kinda comfy. It has you in it. :)

Me:

:)

It was more comfortable with you in it

D:

Like I said. I can come back. Be there in two shakes of a lambs tail. I waited a bit for you to poke your head back out

But if I do, I'm gonna make love to you like never before 

Me:

:)

I think that's a bad idea

D:

I think it's the most romantic thing that's ever happened in my life. 

But I'm being good. 

Me:

Oh D I'm too practical

D:

Oh tell me you're not swooning a bit

Me:

Of course

D:

I know you're gonna know what I'm gonna say next

We only live once. I'm impractical to offset you're  practibilty

Me:

so true. On both counts

Ok I'm going to sleep

Or try

D:

Lol. I'm in the elevator

Me:

What???

No. Bad boy

D:

Of course I came back

Me:

Go home D

D:

Ok K. 

Me:

Sigh

Where are you now?

Go home silly!

I'm sleeping diagonal on the bed

Taking up every square inch

D:

God damn it I'm still in the hallway

Sigh.

I wanna watch :)

Me:

I am going to sleep alone. 

D:

I didn't want to sleep

Me:

Go home. 

;)

Don't make me feel bad

D:

I won't. I left

You need your sleep

Me:

I do

Random ass Saturday thoughts

Its a beautiful Saturday afternoon here in the city. I'm about to head down to the Art Museum downtown. I'm pretty depressed today. Just kinda sad with a million thoughts running through my mind. I'm waiting on a friend to pick something up from me but when he does, I'm going to go downtown and not waste my day thinking about all of this. Now for me theres no escape from my brain and my thoughts, I'm forced to take them with me unfortunately. But I dont have to do it in this cramped little apartment on such a wonderful warm day.

I decided to go downtown because I woke up at 10am, checked my phone and email, 11am, 12pm. I realized that I'm just going to do this all day if I dont get up and do something. My best friend  is out of town, my other good friend just moved, and my lover is downtown busy with friends all weekend. So I think that until monday, you people are stuck with me.

My brain doesnt quit. Its constantly trying to compute, figure out, go over things said, and unsaid. It tries to make sense of patterns. It tries to answer questions in which you dont have enough information. I went to get a huge Iced coffee and was sitting on my stoop a few minutes ago when I thought. "Why is it we always are fighting before she goes on a race?"  Its only happened twice now. Its really not enough for a pattern to emerge, so why am I thinking it?

I also thought of something that I said to my friend the other night when we were sitting together, discussing life. He asked if I had a good day. This was this wednesday, I saw K. I turned to him and said, " I did everything I could to have the best day possible."  I meant it. I wondered if K could say the same thing. I thought about everyday that way. Yesterday.

I've wanted to get in contact with her since I woke up this morning, I slept like shit, I watched mad men last night, I read and reread what I wrote. Pondered whether I should take it down before she saw it. Wondered if she read it last night, or this morning. I dont know if I will hear from her this weekend. I dont know if she's checking her phone constantly to see if I sent a text. I thought about running downtown to her hotel, but I dont know if her husbands going to be there. I try to give her space when things are like this. I try to give her room to breath, time to think. All the while hoping she misses me, and wants to hear from me enough that she'll send out a beacon to me. Something to guide me back to her. Anyway.....I hope she texts.

I thought about relationships, and how the best you could hope for is this. You find someone you're attracted to, you share a ton of interests and activities that you can share together, but have enough of a life that you dont need to spend every waking hour together. You find someone that cares about you enough that you decide to be a team. You have similar goals, and wants in life. You map out a future, you plan things, you cheer lead that person on when it looks like theyre struggling. You're their comfort, you take care of them when theyre sick, you listen when they had a shitty day and try to make them smile, maybe pat them on the ass. You pick them up things as you wander about, letting them know they're in your thoughts through your day. That even though you're away, they're important enough to you for you to say, while you're with your friends...Hey, I bet K would like that. Or hey, K and I were just talking about these. Because one day you'll be sick, and have that shitty day, one day someone will rub you the wrong way, someday you wont feel as loved as you want to. You hope they do the same for you. You never stop trying to win the love and affection of that person, and them for you.

I have this thing I talk about with cookie jars. Each person starts out with a cookie jar filled with cookies. Everytime you do something for them, you're taking one out of your jar and placing it in theirs. The same goes the opposite way. The problems lie when one persons jar gets empty. Some people give in a relationship, some take.

I'm in love now, I've been in love before. This time is different. K's a little more cynical than I am, she doesnt believe that love is a rare thing. But this is different for me. She's the only person that has inspired me enough to let go completely. I've done things with and for her that I've never done for anyone else. I've never stole for anyone else, I've never been the other man for anyone else, I've never wrote for four days for anyone else, I've never taken a train ride downtown, when I didnt know I was wanted to cheer her on at a race, I've never went and sat at someones house before, waiting for a chance to see them when there was a chance theyd hate me for it. I've never seen so much of my future and happiness open up before. My passion for her has grown, and its not slowed down. I told her yesterday that I love her more today than I did 2 months ago, I just dont see it slowing down.  I'm in love, my hearts on fire, when I'm with her I feel a passion for her and for life that I have never felt.

My final thought for now, I may come back later and post more random shit, is this: I thought about things to look forward to. How important that is, and how I know that K, and I could, within one trip to a coffee shop, could fill up a entire summer of things to look forward to. I sent her a link the other day to a scavenger hunt here in the city in July. I wish I could set that in stone with her. It's something cool to look forward to. I look forward to the things that we have together that are set in stone. We have two ballgames coming up. It means I exist in her life long enough to get to those games. But what happens afterwards? I dont want to stop planning the little short term things. I dont want to stop having something to look forward to.

Well....my friends here and I'm off to see a cool exhibit, where they've taken great works of art and turned them into black and whites. Talk to you a bit later.

The state of being me

It's been a year and a half.

Wednesday, I got some potentially good news. Its been a while for me to receive much good news about anything. It looks like I'd be getting the new job that I've been pining over for awhile. K, and I had been fighting, and by fighting it was more or less me being pushed away. But we talked and things we're getting kind of back to normal. So we had planned to go to a craft store, and then over to a coffee shop and talk about soap and soap making. On my way to see her I got the phone call from the potential employer to set up a time for a new hire orientation. I was so happy, and the only thing I could think about was telling K in person.

When you're not around the person you'd like to be around and you have great news, you just cant wait to see them. You want to spring the news on them and see their expression. See how happy they are for you, you want to share your happiness and triumphs with that person. I was on the train downtown, when she told me she was going to go home because she wasnt feeling well. My heart sunk. I pouted and texted her the news because at that moment I still wanted her to be the first to know, but it wasnt in the way I had hoped it would be. She ended up leaving work early and coming down to see me directly from work but it wasnt what she had planned. I still had a great time seeing her. K, and I always seem to make the mundane pretty damn enjoyable.

That evening after she left I decided to go to the bar to have a couple drinks to celebrate. All I wanted to do was celebrate with her, maybe some friends along too. But we chatted through texts during my time out at the bar, when I said," this just isnt gonna do, I need to have a beer, or some champagne to celebrate. So she told me Friday.

Thursday night after work, I trudged my ass up to target to buy a bottle of champagne and strawberries, and some cups. She's trying to curtail the physical side of our relationship a bit, for many reasons including guilt so I had planned on taking the champagne, strawberries and cups to the lake after she got off of work to just enjoy. I mentioned popping the cork into the lake, the idea seemed pretty cool and romantic to me. So I got the stuff home, popped it into the fridge and let it chill.

Friday rolled around and I just got off of working a short shift. Earlier in the day, I had walked down to the ballpark to pick up our tickets from will call. I was in a pretty good mood all day. At the end of my shift, K asked me what I was doing, and would I like to go to the hardware store with her. Of ccourse I did. I told her I also wanted to have champagne and strawberries, but we agreed she shouldnt do that before driving.  So I walked to the hardware store to meet her, and then she showed up and all was well. We hugged and kissed at the back of the store, and it was great to have that feeling of passion rush back into me. We didnt see anything we wanted so we headed off to another hardware store where I bought her a gumball. I didnt have quarters for the machine, but I broke a dollar to get quarters after she told me not to. She should know I would though. Its a quarter, it made her smile, and happy. Really, its just asking someone for some quarters.  Its the little things.

As we were driving back towards my place she asked me what my pet peevs were. I told her people who were going to be late and not text or call about it, and people that blow people off.  After leaving, which is always a hassle to her about me I'm sure, I went upstairs and started to clean up my place a bit. I wanted to do some dishes and tidy a little before she came. Normally she's out of her house by 5:30, or 6 at the latest, but tonight I didnt hear from her until almost 7. I didnt know if she was doing it on purpose, or if I was being blown off. I didnt know if she was arguing with her husband, or if she had laid down and fell asleep. She could have been having an awesome time with her husband and then decided that she didnt want to come over to see me. I didnt know.  When she did text she told me that she was complaining about everything in the world for about an hour to her husband.

We joked a little as she made her way over, she mentioned to me that she might go into knitting late, or not at all. Which was music to my ears. I wanted to be able to spend some unrushed time with her at my place. Just be able to kick back and talk, enjoy some champagne, eat some strawberries, feed them to her if she'd let me. I told myself I wasnt going to press the sex issue at all. That I was going to try not to go crazy. I really never got the chance.

She came in and laid down on the bed and motioned me towards her. So we laid down together and cuddled. We started kissing and making out a bit. My hands do wander, but I tried not to let them wander anywhere that might be construed as me pushing the envelope. After kissing for a bit she told me that she felt guilty. I know she does. I knew she did. But that gets me talking, because thats what I do. Feelings come up in a conversation, and I want to talk about it. I want to resolve things that I just cant in the time allotted. She tells me that all she wanted to do was come over and have fun and drink champagne. And I ruined it. She didnt say that I did, but I did. Yeah, she didnt have to lay the whole guilt thing on me, and she could have just said, alllllllright wheres the corkscrew. But I talked my way out of all of that. I said I ruined everything, and she took that as a guilt trip, put on her coat and left.

My heart was pounding. I yelled out to her. Its cold as shit out so I threw on a coat and ran outside. I looked down the alley, i ran around the block and saw her car, but she wasnt in it. I forgot shoes. I stood by her car for a second and thought to myself, that I can sprint up three flights of stairs and back down before she gets in her car and leaves. So I did, I ran up the stairs and through on the first pair of shoes I could, and sprinted back down. I ran over to a coffee shop I thought she might be at, peered through the window, nothing, sprinted back to the car, back to the alley, looked down both the streets, sprinted back up to apartment to see if she was there, back down, back up because I forgot my phone. And here she came.

I didnt want this. All I wanted was to be upstairs with the woman that I love celebrating and being together. The champagne and strawberries weren't some sort of gimmick. Its what I do for myself, its what I do for others. The champagne was for me, the strawberries were for her.

She tries her damndest to push me away. She shoves hard. She's told me time and time again, that things will never turn out the way that I want them to. That even if she does leave her husband, it wont be for me. That she doesnt want me to wait. That she doesn't know what she wants. Maybe she wants to be alone.

 Thats fine. I dont want her to leave for me. I dont want her to be with me simply because she feels bad for me, or that she's afraid she might hurt me if she doesn't. I want her to be with me because she wants to be with me. I want her to be with me because she sees something in me that she doesnt see in anyone else. I want her to be with me because she knows I'll be a partner to her, that I'd be there everytime to pick her up when she's down. That everytime we're together she's happy.

How am I going to prove that to her? By leaving when shit gets hard for me? By saying fuck you because you hurt me from time to time. That this is too hard for me? That she isnt important enough to me to wait for? I'm not every other man in your life. I'm not putting in a half assed effort. I know what I want. She doesnt. So I'll wait. I'm not going to get what I want by walking away. Ever.

She called me a doormat tonight, and I wanted to punch something.  She took it back right away, but maybe she does think I am. I've tried to prove that I am strong. I tried to prove I could be her rock. Why is this ok with me? Because it has to be ok with me. I try to stay positive for her. She doesnt need the negative shit in her life. She has enough of it already. This relationship of ours is hard enough already. It stresses her out, it makes her feel guilty. So I stay positive. When shes having a bad day, I joke with her. I make her smile. It makes me feel damn important to her that I do. It makes me feel good when I do it.

I do feel bad though. I get upset, angry, sad, hurt. At this point in our relationship I just dont have the option of being like that all the time. I try to remember that this is a biproduct of the nature of this relationship. I cry. I swear. I want to throw things across the room when it feels like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I get pissed at her husband. I get pissed at her. I want to scream, "I bet if your husband did something like this for you, you wouldnt get up in a huff and leave."  I get angry because I feel that I don't have any control. I dont have any say. I get angry because if any little thing goes right between her and her husband I get pushed away. I get angry because I do all the things she'd like her husband to do, and it would be a huge deal if he did any of them. Even if she had to ask. But when I do something grandiose, it gets shit on. Yeah, I get it. She's married, thats her husband. Take that piece of paper out of the equation and what do ya got?

She made a list earlier in this blog, and I've already did or attempted to do all of them. Not because she asked, but because its what I wanted to do with her.  She's going to stay at a hotel this weekend. I'd kill to be invited, will I? Probably not. For the past year, all i wanted was to sleep in the same bed as her. She knows this. She knows I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd wake up and cheer her on at her race. How do I know? Because I've done it already. I did it because it made me feel good doing it.  I have a picture of her from that day. She looks so amazingly fucking happy.

Look, I dont pretend to know everything. But what I do know is how to make her happy. She makes me happy too. Not tonight. But so fucking happy enough when we are together that I'm not going to stop trying. I'm not going to walk away. I'm going to be walked away from. I will not let this opportunity pass me by. I refuse.

The champagne and strawberries remain untouched on my table. I'm hoping that on her way home from her thing tonight that she wants to reach out and talk to me. To call me, to say whatever it is thats in her heart. Hoping beyond hope is that she'd come back.  I'd like for her to reach out to me sometimes after hurting me and try to make it up to me. This was kind of important to me.I know its not gonna happen. But I'd do it for her. Even when we fight, I still want to talk to her as soon as she's gone.

complaining

we're still here. sorry for the brief hiatus. i stopped talking to D for a while because... oh, who the hell knows why. because he was coming on too strong. because he demands too much of me sometimes. because i often slam the door, and then peek around it to make sure he's still there.

i now have raging PMS, so everything sucks today. i just got into an argument with my coworkers about how moving to the burbs to have kids is like giving up on the city. it's like flushing your soul down the toilet. oh, wah wah, the schools suck. yeah, because you keep taking your money out of the city. and the only people who are left behind are the people who can't afford to live in the nice, white-bread, boring-as-hell, stepford wives suburbs. how does it feel to be elite and white? nice, huh? how does it feel to have the option to go to someplace nice? awwww, isn't that sweet? what if you didn't have the fucking option? what if the only option you had was to live in a one-bedroom with your three kids in a gang-ridden neighborhood and work at McD's three days a week because your school sucked ass because everyone left the city and took their tax dollars with them? yeah, whatever.

anyway, i'm in one of those moods where i will argue the white off of rice. but, for some reason, D keeps me in a good mood. we're working on going to some baseball games, one this tuesday and one the following tuesday. this weekend is going to be hell, tho. being in bad mood tends to make me not be very adaptable to things i don't want to do. and being with some of those friends drives me crazy when i am like this.

one of my friends is a scheduler. if it's not planned, well, even if it planned, there are always other options. and we will drill through every one of them until everyone in the group is happy or irritated. i am meeting them downtown, dropping our crap off at our hotels, then heading to the packet pick up. then we will argue about where to go for dinner. i like to keep things simple. i don't like walking all over god's green earth when something suitable is right in front of us. i suggested we go to this one restaurant that's right next to packet pick up. then she suggests we go to the one a half-mile away because that area of packet pickup is always crowded she's always had to wait forever to eat there. then she says that the restaurant half-mile away will probably be crowded and loud for the basketball game i want to watch. <roll eyes here> seriously. if we're going to take the time to walk to the OTHER restaurant, why not just wait at the one that's RIGHT FUCKING HERE? she overthinks every. single. fucking. thing. just let it go. i finally wore her down by saying i was just going to go back to my hotel and order out and watch the game from the comfort of my own bed if we were going to walk all that way to a loud, obnoxious restaurant. she said, "why don't we figure it out when we're done getting our packets." that's exactly what i wanted her to say in the first place.

anyway, the one true thorn in my side is H. i told him i got a hotel room and all that. he asked, "am i invited?" groan. i said, "if you'd like to come, you are more than welcome." then i made some mention about how i was looking forward to having one night by myself and he said if that's what i wanted, he would not be offended. no, i would like him to come. then i tell him about packet pickup and where it's at. he says, "i am not going anywhere near that place." well, then. what the fuck am i going to do? drop you off at the hotel so i can go get my packet and then you'll meet up with us later for dinner? what if we do dinner by packet pickup? will you not meet us then? WHY CAN'T HE JUST GO WITH THE FLOW? now i don't want him to come because he's going to be a fucking stick in the mud. which is why i don't bring him along to a lot of things i do. he doesn't give two shits, really. i then asked him if he would cheer me on. he hemmed and hawed and then he said, "of course i'll be there to cheer you on." no, he won't.

so i think i am going to tell him that i am going to go by myself. not only will i not have to worry about him, i can come and go as i please, not have any time restraints, go to bed when i want, watch what i want, not feel bad when he would rather sleep in than come down to the race to watch me, and then i can go to this other thing after the race is over.

i was fine with him coming along. but once he whined about the packet pickup, i was like, seriously? you ask to come then you bitch about 90% of what we're doing? seriously, nothing we're doing is going to be pleasing to him. so guess what? he can stay home and play his video game and hog the bed all he wants. i'll be laying in my hotel bed, eating pizza, watching the final four. awesome.

My faults, my feelings, and my fault

I think differently than most people. I tend to collect as much information as I can and instantaneously come out with a resolution. I see the inner workings of things, I see the gears and switches. As a child I used to do the little puzzle mazes in a magazine. Instead of doing what most children did and run my finger along each pathway from the end towards the start, I already saw the answer. What I would do is focus on all the incorrect paths, where they went wrong, where they could have been the right path. So when you looked at my puzzle, I had every wrong path drawn out in pen. Every single path except for the right one. Its my fault that I don't explain things to people sometimes. It was my fault then, when I looked like the stupidest kid in class, and its my fault now.

It was brought up today a few things that really bother me. But they're all my fault. I don't explain myself. I don't explain the why and how sometimes.

For instance when K brought up the fact that I would be behind her 100% if she wanted to open a shop, but I didn't understand the risk. The thing is, I already did think of all of that. Here's how and what I think. If we are together, and you've saved up the money to start whatever kind of shop you'd like, be it, soap, cheese, yarn, little duckies... If we are together, and we are partners, and you've thought it through, and have a game plan and the finances to back you, with a little extra cash left over to float on a bit. I'm behind you 100%. I will support you, I will work at your shop with you on days when I can to relieve you, to save money on additional help. I will work my regular job, I will be there for moral support and back rubs. I'll be there to do whatever. I would put fliers up, go to libraries and stick them in related books and magazines. Start a topic on Craigslist. If you wanted a full time partner, we could discuss that too.

She hates her job, it doesn't fulfill her, it makes her unhappy. You're damn right I support it. Whats the drawback? Well, small businesses go under all the time. She might arrive at a place where she sunk time and money into a failed investment. But its money. She has a degree. She can find another job. She's damn good at what she does and I would have no worries about her finding employment. If things got tight, I'd get a second job, or a third. Its what you do as a partner.  If I had a dream that was within my reach, its what I'd want from the person I was with.  So theres no good reason for her not to attempt hers. None. If things go well and her shop picks up, amazing. She'd be thrilled, I'd be happy for the chance to help her fulfill a dream. If things went bad, and theres a lot smaller chance with that happening with K, than with most, because of how much thought and planning she puts into things. If you wanna know how much thought and planning she puts into things, all you have to do is ask about her garden. Or the amount of work and planning she put into her high school reunion. But, if things did go bad, well at least she can say she took her shot, and together we'd pick up the pieces and discuss whats next. Id rather see her try and fail than not at all.

Now that's all fine and good that I think that way. But I'm the dumbass. She brings things up like this to me and what do I say. "Lets do it!" I can see why she thinks that I dont put any thought into things, and its because I don't explain the thought I had put behind it. Sometimes its because I wait for someone to ask me the how and why, sometimes, its a matter of time. Sometimes I just get a little too excited. Whatever the case, its my fault. The only way I can describe it is something that happened recently, K was driving, and I was giving directions. But i forgot to keep giving them sometimes. Why? Because I knew the way already, therefor so does she. But it doesnt work that way. I need to be better at that.

How do you explain to someone that you're afraid? That maybe the reason you cling a little too tight is that you're frightened that they might leave. That you worry about it all the time. How do you tell a person that? "Hey, please try to stick with me a little here, please try to hang on as long as you can so I can breathe a little?" I worry about it a lot. I get nervous thinking about it. I'm nervous today thinking about tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow she tells me she doesnt want to see me again. That all this is over.

There's a lot of times when it's felt like there's no tomorrow between us. This relationship is important to me. I've worked hard at it, I've put in a lot thought and feeling into it. You never want to feel like you're smothering a person, you never want to seem needy or clingy. I most certainly dont. I learned a long time ago that the best relationships are formed from the linking of two circles. It's important to have interests that are different, things that you enjoy doing without the person that you're involved with. From the relationship I have with K, its easy for her to see that I'd be this person always calling, always wanting to hang out. But the fact of the matter is, there are things that I'd not want to do with her, and I'm sure vise versa with me.  I would probably check out her weekly get together maybe once or twice a year. But thats simply because for me its important to get a view into her world. Its not something I'd enjoy on a weekly basis. And as far as I go, there would be a time when I'd want to watch an ass ton amounts of sports, or go out to the bars, or play basketball with friends, where she'd just have no interest. I'm sure she'd come out here and there to see what I'm up to, but not all the time. I like that though, I like coming back from separate corners and having tales to tell. I do enjoy most everything K has shown interest in this point. I mean really. Window shopping, antique stores, thrift shopping, exploring, just generally being outside. We have a lot of similar interests, but enough dissimilar ones to keep us apart on days when I know she'd be happy just to be alone.

But why cant I paint that picture? Why is it that I have to come across as clingy? But I do things, and I dont explain them, or I explain them and I don't emphasize the importance that they have on me. I ask her to do things all the time, because theres so little time for us to do things. There's so much working against us spending time together. I understand before my week even begins that theres no way possible for us to spend everyday together, but the days I'm off I like to put forth options. In a perfect world, I would just tell her, "hey, I have friday and saturday off, pick one." But it doesnt work that way. She has an entire life that I'm not involved in. This week for example,  she's busy all weekend. I have wednesday, friday, and saturday off. I know saturdays out of the picture, and friday nights she's usually busy, that just really leaves us with wednesday. That's the one day I get to look forward to seeing her and spending time together. The other few moments we spend together during a week will be short. But I need to do a better job of understanding that for her, she's already under a time crunch. That she has all of these balls she's juggling. I have to learn to be patient and wait for her to come to me sometimes. Its hard for me not to be proactive, but its something I must learn to let her breathe a little easier.

Sex. K, and I have different viewpoints on sex, but I will admit, I get a little pushy at times. I can get a little hung up on it at times, because for me it represents the closeness of our relationship. There's no time, when I feel more vulnerable as a person than when I'm with them sexually. I really do try to connect with the person I'm with during sex. I want us to join together as one during it. I want to just let go of all my thoughts and just be with that person. But thats my feelings. I shouldn't let my feelings towards sex, overpower how another person feels. Its wrong, and it makes me feel like an asshole.

If anything this blog has taught me is that I'm grateful for having an open forum in which to post down thoughts and information that are bubbling to the surface of my mind. The other is that no detail is too small, and that I need to say things to K when I'm thinking them. I may be afraid of what she'll say or how she'll take it but I do need to say them. Also that there are things I dont want to say here. Things that I'll save and talk to her about first, and then maybe I'll post them here.

Its never easy when someone calls you on your shit. Its not easy to hear that you're a pushy, clingy, guy that doesnt put a lot of thought into things. Its even worse when you hear those things and say yeah, I guess I can see how she thinks that, because I sure as shit havent explained enough for her to think otherwise.  I know I'm not perfect, but I'm going to try not to hide this time.

From the outside looking in

K and I were at a bookstore recently, and in the bargain bin were many copies of Sun Tzu's "The art of war". I had forgot that I had read that book a long time ago, but I've been thinking about it a bit lately. The book is about war and battle tips. Theres a term called the fog of war.  Back in the day when fighting an enemy you just didnt have the information that you had today, you didnt have satellites pointed down at them taking pictures for you, you didnt have inside operatives delivering you information at the speed of sound through a phone call, text message, or an email. When engaged in battle back then, there was always an uncertainty. The information you had may have been weeks or months old. The enemy might have moved position, and might have been waiting to ambush you. The lack of any concrete information, just up until the point of engagement is what caused this fog. This is the fog that I live in.

I'm not gonna go all Pat Benatar on you, and scream,"love is a battlefield". Because I dont think of it that way, or this that way. Maybe what I'm thinking of is the "fog of love".  I have only certain information, When I get to talk to K in person most of the times when I do it isnt about the state of our affair. It isnt about how each of us are feeling at the moment. There just isnt enough time. You can spend your few hours together talking about how you wish you could talk to them more, how it sucks when they drive off and you werent quite done seeing them or how you wish you were together. I tend to want to spend my time with K living. I want to do things with her, and talk about whats going on in her life, outside of this. The other day she told me about a siblings problem over the phone and it made me feel amazing. Why? Because I was included. She wanted my opinion and she wanted to share with me what was on her mind in a given day. That made me feel so important to her.

What makes things hard for me, and why I tend to get pushy and grabby is that, I dont know. She's around for a bit and then she's gone. Theres a lot that goes on in your mind in the time between. When she leaves I generally send her a text message. Usually something to tell her that I enjoyed our time together. Do I have to do that? No. But when she leaves, I'm always not ready for her to leave. Never once was I like, well that was the perfect amount of K for today, she can go and thats what I want.  Not once. So I send a text out. She usually responds pretty quickly, and if she doesnt I dont freak out, because I know she has other shit she has to do.

I dont get the benefit of knowing anything. Yesterday she was upset with me, and today as well. But I didnt know the exact stint of the whats and the whys. I didnt know until today, when I read this blog. In a normal relationship, she would have told me she was upset. I would have either been there or we could have had a discussion on the phone. But in this situation I'm not really allowed either as an opportunity, and it makes communication between the two of us hard.

Yesterday, and well for the last week or so K has mentioned having time alone. Time to just be, time to get away from her husband, from me, from work, and life and everything else thats been weighing her down. I should have just let her be. I was happy that she came over.

I got pushy, and handsy. I asked her if she wanted to go upstairs with me. I wanted to have sex with her. My problem, I guess is that I'm constantly trying to cram a relationship into the amount of time we have. Theres always a sense of urgency when it comes to anything we do. Its one that I hope one day is over, where I can breathe a sigh of relief and not have to feel that if we dont do something on that day, that I dont know when we will. So its gotta be now.

 Its not fair to her. And I do it not just with sex, but with everything. Seeing her, talking to her. I want to be able to relax. I want to just know that everythings going to be ok between us. I want that level of comfort, and security. That the next day, when I send her a text, that she'll be there, wanting to talk to me. But I have this overwhelming feeling most times that if something goes wrong, that if I do something wrong that upsets her, then she'll push me away. That i wont be able to talk to her for days. I wont see her for days or weeks. Its like that all the time.

I know that things wouldnt be this way if we were together. I'd still want to see her a lot. But there wouldnt be that direness to everything.  The no's become easier to take. "oh, youre busy", "well, I'll just see you wednesday".  "No you dont want to have sex today?", "Well thats ok, maybe you'll be in the mood later". "You dont feel like talking today?", "Well, its ok, I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow".  Thats how I'd like things to be. Thats how I normally am. I'm not generally a pushy person. I, usually in a relationship, like the compromise.

But I dont have that information, I dont have that comfort of knowing that things are going to be ok. She leaves and my mind wanders. Is she having a good time with her husband?  Is she feeling guilty about seeing me? Is she going to want to see me on Wednesday? Is she angry with me? Does she need space? Should I say hello. Does her husband have her phone? She went to a party, did her husband go with her?  It really is a fog. I dont know what's going on for the most part when she's gone. She tells me that they watched a movie together. But I dont know the context.  I dont know how to act.

So I rush. I wake up in the morning, hoping that I get a good sign from her. If I get a good morning, then things are off to a good start. I tell her I wish she were in bed next to me, or I tell her to come over and get into bed, not because I think its always possible. But because thats genuinely what I want. Every opportunity to see her becomes a me asking thing. On a good week I see her maybe three times a week. On a bad one not at all.

We've had a bit of a history of waxing and waning, and that leads to the urgency too. I dont want to be pushed away anymore. I dont want to stop talking, I dont want to go weeks without seeing her. But its happened before, and I worry about it happening again, all the time. It rips my heart out when it happens. It puts pressure on me to try to fix things between us. I know why it happens, so I dont speak out about it. But I hate it. I hate feeling that its coming. All I want to do is know, know that nomatter what I do today, no matter if I talk to her today, that she'll be there tomorrow.  That I'll see her in a couple days.

Its my problem too though. I know this isnt conventional, and I hope to god she knows that the way I act sometimes is more of a product of this, than who I am. But its hard to paint a picture of what you're like in a conventional relationship to someone who thinks you might be bullshitting them. But I'm not trying to pull the wool over her eyes. I want this. I want to be with her. I love her more than anything right now, and my feelings for her are stronger than theyve ever been. A year and a half later and I'm still falling in love with her, with no end in sight.

K, I'm sorry that I act the way that I do sometimes. I'm sorry that I put pressure on you to do things that you're just not ready to do right now, right away. I'm sorry that I treat every moment alone with you in bed like its the last time I'm going to see you. I need to be able to step back. To relax, to let you relax. I'm sorry that I steam rolled you yesterday, and that I really did think about stopping. The porch beers were in fact the highlight of my day, not the upstairs part.  It kills me that I hurt you sometimes. I hate the idea that I in my very Lenny type way, hurt you by squeezing you too hard. Trying to hold you too close. I just dont want you to go away, ever.  I want you to be happy. I try to make it a point in my day to see that big smile of yours. I'm going to try, try to not act like I'm never going to see you again, try to listen more than hear. Try harder to put your wants before mine. You deserve that.

-D

every day thoughts

here's what goes through my mind on an average day.

i wake up. my husband gets up before me, so he's usually in the shower when i wake up. if not, he'll come in and gently rub my leg until i wake up. a thousand times better than an alarm clock. or he'll send in my cat to meow in my ear. still, better than alarm.

i usually shower the night before so i don't have to get up early to do it. so i lay in bed, making up excuses not to get up. call in sick. go in late. i usually check the news on my phone while i'm drifting in and out of sleep, debating my option. most of the time, i bite the bullet and get up. sometimes i'll wait long enough so H has left for work so i don't have to drive him to the train.

i pull on any clothing that will fit and put in my earrings. at this point, i think about if i lived alone, i could get up anytime i wanted. there wouldn't be anyone clanging around, hogging the bathroom, slamming dresser drawers. i could listen to music or turn on the news while i get ready.

i think about leaving. last night, i was thinking about how i would tell him. where i would go. what i would pack. i would take my shampoo and lotion and brush and hair dryer and flat iron and toothbrush and iphone charger and laptop and.... it just makes me so sad. do i have to leave? who am i leaving for? for D? for myself?

but i'm sad here, too. i realized last night in the shower that i'm wasting my life for someone else. i am making him happy at my expense. but i am also doing that with D. i hate myself most of the time. for not taking my happiness into account. for not standing my ground. for having an affair. for not trying harder. for not demanding what i need in a marriage. i haven't done all i could to save it. but do i want to? i have no idea.

i think that's why i would leave. not for D, but to know for sure what i want. yes, D is a diamond in the rough, but sometimes i think he would want too much from me. and yes, H doesn't pay a ton of attention to me, but i feel i can work with that more than i can talk D into hanging on less. H and i used to be very close. we used to make our friends sick with how much we loved each other. we work very well for the most part. but he doesn't know how much last year sucked for me. sure, maybe he should just know. but maybe not. i hide my sadness pretty well. i am very stoic. because i don't want anyone to feel bad because i feel bad.

but i am at a crossroads. there are three things i can do if i leave: go to D, work things out with H, or just leave and stay single. i gotta say, being single sounds amazing right now. all i really want is no fucking strings attached. i'm tired of wondering how to get out. i'm tired of not making any plans because i don't know who i'll be with. THIS is what sucks the most. H and i have talked about buying a house. before D, i would be pushing this through, to hell with the market. but now... now i sit on it. i put my dream on hold because i feel it wouldn't be fair to D because of all of the shit we talked about. WHY??? I DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING! I WANT A FUCKING HOUSE! i want to move forward with the man i married, to hell with empty promises made to lovers.

but here's the catch: H doesn't think we can get out of our current mortgage because of the market. we're currently refinancing. and here's my partial thinking: if we get a divorce, i'd ask for the place because he hates it and hates the neighborhood. and if we refi, then the payments will be lower and i'll be able to afford it on my own. this thinking makes me sick. makes me so fucking sad. but the god's honest truth is i don't play well with others. i want to redesign the place, make it our own. but H has so much crap that he holds onto. plus, he's not handy at all. if he left, i could do whatever i wanted. there would be so much more room.

i think i pigeon-hole myself in these relationships so i have an excuse not to reach my full potential. i am as shitty as the man i'm with. if i choose low achievers, then i don't have to try as hard. H doesn't want me to open my own shop because it's risky. therefore, i don't. D would totally support me 100% in opening a shop without giving proper thought to the risk. so i don't. if i was on my own, i could do it and sink or swim, on my own.

i let these people hold me back because i'm afraid. i hide behind them. H isn't a go-getter. D doesn't have much earning power (well, not at the job he has). H will stay at his job until the day he dies because he hates change. D can't seem to settle on job he'd actually stay at and enjoy. H's security is calming but he'll never make a ton of money. i don't know.

i don't know what it will take to make me happy. neither one of them seem to fit the bill at the moment. the only one i can truly rely on is myself.

angry

my emotions go up and down. i'm still trying to figure it out. i go from giving D all i can, to getting overwhelmed by how much he wants, to drawing back to collect my thoughts. there isn't a time when he's begging to see me. i have never dated anyone who wants to see me as much as he does. one the one hand, it makes a girl feel wanted. on the other hand, it makes a girl feel overwhelmed. and here's where the problems for me start.

i like to please people. i don't know where i get it from because neither of my parents are particular people-pleasers. probably my mom. she was always so awkward in social situations where the other person seemed put-out or was going the extra mile. she just hated inconveniencing anyone. where do women get this? anyway, i do not like to hurt people. i will therefore lie to make someone else feel better. or, when i put my foot down and say no, i don't want that, i'll cave in after a few minutes of pushing from the other person. probably because i feel my argument wasn't strong enough to dissuade that person from badgering me, so i should just give in. this is probably why i get so pissed when people cut me off in traffic. take my anger and rage at being pushed around on someone i don't know.

so, yesterday. D said, "sunday will be all you." meaning, he will not bug me to come hang out with him. and honestly, i was looking forward to the freedom. usually, if i have a spare moment, i'll feel guilty that i'm not spending it with him. because i'm an idiot. anyway, i bum around the house for a while, then head out on my bike. i need to go to my sibling's house to drop something off. but i figure i'll stop by to see D at work. he'll enjoy that and i couldn't think of anywhere else that would be open that i'd want to go. plus, i have the time; i should go. i feel bad telling him that i had the opportunity to visit and i didn't. this is my problem. feeling bad.

oh, and let me say that one of the first things he texted me in the morning is how i should come over and get in bed with him. sigh. now i feel pressure. pressure to go see him. it's the guilt tactic. and i know he's just saying what he wants. but i want to be left alone and i thought i made that clear. i know he wants to see me everyday. but i don't want to see him everyday. when i'm not seeing him, i'm with my husband. i am NEVER alone. i can never relax on my couch, watch my tv shows, listen to my music. there is always someone around. i get this tight feeling in my chest, knowing that the only alone time i get is within the constraints of someone else.

so. anyway. i ride my bike over. he invited me over for porch beers. but, of course, he has to go up to his apt to get something. which means that he'll be all over me like a cheap suit. i just wasn't in the mood. but one hug turns into him rubbing me all over, one kiss turns into a hard-on. yes, i know i turn you on, D. but he doesn't seem to care that i am not in the mood. i should have waited on the porch for him, but again, i felt bad. which is my fault. we go upstairs. his futon is laid out as a bed, so i lay down and he's all over me. i tell him i'm not having sex. that i just want to get his shit and go hang out. but no. he starts stroking his cock. sigh. there's no turning back when he gets this turned on. but i sit and watch and wait until he's done. then he says, "i feel like an asshole." obviously not enough to NOT do what you just did.

at least it wasn't like that one time where he practically forced me to have sex without a condom. i got pissed about that and broke it off for a while. for a while. i have no conviction. i had to run out and get the morning-after pill after that little romp.

this is why i like to visit him at work. because he can't practically rape in public. although there was this one time when he practically dragged me in the back room and proceeded to masturbate right there. i kept saying NO, but did he stop? nope. after he was done, i just handed him some toilet paper and left. but it makes me feel bad to make him feel bad. but i'm not flattered by his lack of control. it's kind of scary. it makes me feel like a piece of meat. sure, he says he respects me, he admires me, but honestly, when he does shit like that, it makes me feel like crap. like i have no say. sure i said yes once, but that doesn't mean it's yes always.

so i'm angry. i'm angry that what i want doesn't seem to matter in situations like that. he was also talking to me about his job choices. he mentioned something about how things will be different after i "pull the plug." on my marriage, he means. like that's a done deal. it's not. if i could have one thing right now it would be to see if i could repair what is missing in my marriage. it's not broken beyond repair. i wouldn't care about not having kids if our life was more exciting. but again, i feel bad. i feel bad enjoying anything my husband has to offer because it makes D sad. seriously? what the fuck is wrong with me? i married H. do i really want to throw in the towel? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA! i don't know what i want. yes, even without D in the picture, things would be rough. but at least i could say, "hey things suck. let's work it out." but now i feel bad say that because of the shit i've said to D, about having kids, about traveling, about anything for the future. this is why i don't like to talk about the future with D. it's NOT A DONE DEAL!

and i shouldn't give a shit if he says he can't live without me. he can, he just doesn't want to. i am not someone who buys into serendipity and fate and all that crap. yes, D was unhappy with his girlfriend situation. yes, he deserved better. yes, i was attracted to him. but goddamn it if i didn't try to get my life back on track about a hundred times since then. maybe marriage isn't for me. but fuck all if i'm going to let someone else tell me that. like D said when i asked him why, for the hundredth time, did he keep texting and call his gf if she never called him back; why buy plane tickets to go down there if she's shutting you out: because i couldn't live with myself if i didn't do all that i could.

and i've made this argument to D several times regarding my relationship, but i guess that doesn't matter to him when the tables are turned. i don't want to be fought for. i want to be left alone to figure out my life.

goddamn everything. just goddamn it.