angry

my emotions go up and down. i'm still trying to figure it out. i go from giving D all i can, to getting overwhelmed by how much he wants, to drawing back to collect my thoughts. there isn't a time when he's begging to see me. i have never dated anyone who wants to see me as much as he does. one the one hand, it makes a girl feel wanted. on the other hand, it makes a girl feel overwhelmed. and here's where the problems for me start.

i like to please people. i don't know where i get it from because neither of my parents are particular people-pleasers. probably my mom. she was always so awkward in social situations where the other person seemed put-out or was going the extra mile. she just hated inconveniencing anyone. where do women get this? anyway, i do not like to hurt people. i will therefore lie to make someone else feel better. or, when i put my foot down and say no, i don't want that, i'll cave in after a few minutes of pushing from the other person. probably because i feel my argument wasn't strong enough to dissuade that person from badgering me, so i should just give in. this is probably why i get so pissed when people cut me off in traffic. take my anger and rage at being pushed around on someone i don't know.

so, yesterday. D said, "sunday will be all you." meaning, he will not bug me to come hang out with him. and honestly, i was looking forward to the freedom. usually, if i have a spare moment, i'll feel guilty that i'm not spending it with him. because i'm an idiot. anyway, i bum around the house for a while, then head out on my bike. i need to go to my sibling's house to drop something off. but i figure i'll stop by to see D at work. he'll enjoy that and i couldn't think of anywhere else that would be open that i'd want to go. plus, i have the time; i should go. i feel bad telling him that i had the opportunity to visit and i didn't. this is my problem. feeling bad.

oh, and let me say that one of the first things he texted me in the morning is how i should come over and get in bed with him. sigh. now i feel pressure. pressure to go see him. it's the guilt tactic. and i know he's just saying what he wants. but i want to be left alone and i thought i made that clear. i know he wants to see me everyday. but i don't want to see him everyday. when i'm not seeing him, i'm with my husband. i am NEVER alone. i can never relax on my couch, watch my tv shows, listen to my music. there is always someone around. i get this tight feeling in my chest, knowing that the only alone time i get is within the constraints of someone else.

so. anyway. i ride my bike over. he invited me over for porch beers. but, of course, he has to go up to his apt to get something. which means that he'll be all over me like a cheap suit. i just wasn't in the mood. but one hug turns into him rubbing me all over, one kiss turns into a hard-on. yes, i know i turn you on, D. but he doesn't seem to care that i am not in the mood. i should have waited on the porch for him, but again, i felt bad. which is my fault. we go upstairs. his futon is laid out as a bed, so i lay down and he's all over me. i tell him i'm not having sex. that i just want to get his shit and go hang out. but no. he starts stroking his cock. sigh. there's no turning back when he gets this turned on. but i sit and watch and wait until he's done. then he says, "i feel like an asshole." obviously not enough to NOT do what you just did.

at least it wasn't like that one time where he practically forced me to have sex without a condom. i got pissed about that and broke it off for a while. for a while. i have no conviction. i had to run out and get the morning-after pill after that little romp.

this is why i like to visit him at work. because he can't practically rape in public. although there was this one time when he practically dragged me in the back room and proceeded to masturbate right there. i kept saying NO, but did he stop? nope. after he was done, i just handed him some toilet paper and left. but it makes me feel bad to make him feel bad. but i'm not flattered by his lack of control. it's kind of scary. it makes me feel like a piece of meat. sure, he says he respects me, he admires me, but honestly, when he does shit like that, it makes me feel like crap. like i have no say. sure i said yes once, but that doesn't mean it's yes always.

so i'm angry. i'm angry that what i want doesn't seem to matter in situations like that. he was also talking to me about his job choices. he mentioned something about how things will be different after i "pull the plug." on my marriage, he means. like that's a done deal. it's not. if i could have one thing right now it would be to see if i could repair what is missing in my marriage. it's not broken beyond repair. i wouldn't care about not having kids if our life was more exciting. but again, i feel bad. i feel bad enjoying anything my husband has to offer because it makes D sad. seriously? what the fuck is wrong with me? i married H. do i really want to throw in the towel? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA! i don't know what i want. yes, even without D in the picture, things would be rough. but at least i could say, "hey things suck. let's work it out." but now i feel bad say that because of the shit i've said to D, about having kids, about traveling, about anything for the future. this is why i don't like to talk about the future with D. it's NOT A DONE DEAL!

and i shouldn't give a shit if he says he can't live without me. he can, he just doesn't want to. i am not someone who buys into serendipity and fate and all that crap. yes, D was unhappy with his girlfriend situation. yes, he deserved better. yes, i was attracted to him. but goddamn it if i didn't try to get my life back on track about a hundred times since then. maybe marriage isn't for me. but fuck all if i'm going to let someone else tell me that. like D said when i asked him why, for the hundredth time, did he keep texting and call his gf if she never called him back; why buy plane tickets to go down there if she's shutting you out: because i couldn't live with myself if i didn't do all that i could.

and i've made this argument to D several times regarding my relationship, but i guess that doesn't matter to him when the tables are turned. i don't want to be fought for. i want to be left alone to figure out my life.

goddamn everything. just goddamn it.