friday was rough. i wasn't in mood for canoodling and i should have spent time with my sister rather than seeing D for 5th time that week. but i promised him that i would have a drink with him to celebrate his new job.
i thought we'd go out to a bar, but he got champagne and strawberries. i knew this wasn't going to end well. i wasn't in the mood to talk about feelings and have him pose answers i don't have. sometimes i wish he would just be in the moment. sometimes i miss the days when our relationship was easier. i could come and go as i please, we made plans and just had a good time. he didn't hold on so tightly. i'm going to say it: he can be like a woman sometimes. and i have programmed myself to not embrace the over-emotional temperaments that usually define the true meaning of "woman." i also have little patience for it. if i said i don't want it, i don't want to talk about it, i don't want to do it, it means i don't want to do it. and the more you push, the less i'll want to do it.
but here is the reality of having an affair: i have to temper my feelings. i have no choice. it's not like i can give in to all of my whims or his.
here's an example.
i had a hotel room for saturday night. i was going to be doing something downtown early in the morning, so i stayed down there. at first, my husband was going to stay with me. but he's kind of a stick in the mud, so i asked him to stay home. so i was alone. in a hotel room. downtown. and here is the constant struggle i have. invite D to stay. deal with the awkwardness that might arise trying to hide him from my friends. deal with the guilt of sex. but enjoy just being with him without distraction. have sex in a bed. watch TV. sleep with him. have him be big spoon all night long. BUT. i NEVER get any time to myself. i share a bed with another guy every night. to just be able to stay up as long i want. to do whatever i want. to hog the whole bed. to not worry about snoring. to sleep all night long and not worry about being woke up in the middle of the night. to pee with the bathroom door open. basically: freedom.
but i told him i was alone. he didn't reply on iMessage. i thought he was pissed. then the phone rang. phone? i knew it was him. and i'm instantly torn. turn him down and stay true to what i honestly want but risk breaking his heart even more? or do i let him up and compromise my free time? i let him up. i told him that i was angry. and that he could come in but that he had to leave at 11pm.
i admire his tenacity, but i had been relaxed until that phone rang. then i was just a whole host of emotions. instead of being flattered i was kind of mad at him. maybe i should have told him explicitly that i wanted to be alone before he even thought about coming down. i'm not sure what to say about it. is he being selfish by just doing whatever he wants in the name of me. i'm not sure if i'm selfish for wanting him to think about NOT doing some of things he does. i am not a 20-something girl. i am a middle-aged woman. for the most part, i know what i want. i know when i want to be alone. i know when i want to talk. and i know it's typical of most guys to think that women would be happy with a guy vying for their attention all the time. but honestly, i'm just too old to be making someone else happy at the sacrifice for my own happiness. that's what most chicks do, and i already do it for H. and i know that D isn't pleased with that, but H beat him to it.
i'm tired of the compromises that D forces me to make. and it makes me anxious all of the times i have to push him away. i don't want to have to push him away. i think if he gives me some space, if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get a lot more of me. but i have no idea what will happen. maybe i'll love the freedom. actually, i think that's bullshit. every time i push him away and i go a day without hearing talking to him, i get sad. something is missing. but i don't want to tell him that because then i think maybe he'll think that he should just try to talk to me more. i feel like any inch i give to him, he'll try to take a mile from me. so i hold back. i don't like being pressured.
he left last night, after i had to beg him to. he got caught in the rain and i said something to the effect that my bed was more comfortable with him in it. so he came back!! arrgh! yes, it's romantic... to a much younger woman who isn't trying to go to sleep before a 5 mile race!! this is the kind of thing i wish he would think about before doing it.
Me:
I hope you're keeping dry
Thank you for coming to see me
D:
It's pouring a little. You never have to thank me sweetheart. It was the best part of my day
Thank you for wanting to see me
I could always come back ;)
Me:
Heh
D:
I'm in a doorway smoking a cigarette
Me:
What doorway?
I can see the lightening really well from the bed
D:
Right outside the hotel.
Yeah it just opened up as I was walking.
How I envy that bed
Me:
Boooooo!
It kinda sucks
But I understand what you mean
D:
It's not bad. It was kinda comfy. It has you in it. :)
Me:
:)
It was more comfortable with you in it
D:
Like I said. I can come back. Be there in two shakes of a lambs tail. I waited a bit for you to poke your head back out
But if I do, I'm gonna make love to you like never before
Me:
:)
I think that's a bad idea
D:
I think it's the most romantic thing that's ever happened in my life.
But I'm being good.
Me:
Oh D I'm too practical
D:
Oh tell me you're not swooning a bit
Me:
Of course
D:
I know you're gonna know what I'm gonna say next
We only live once. I'm impractical to offset you're practibilty
Me:
so true. On both counts
Ok I'm going to sleep
Or try
D:
Lol. I'm in the elevator
Me:
What???
No. Bad boy
D:
Of course I came back
Me:
Go home D
D:
Ok K.
Me:
Sigh
Where are you now?
Go home silly!
I'm sleeping diagonal on the bed
Taking up every square inch
D:
God damn it I'm still in the hallway
Sigh.
I wanna watch :)
Me:
I am going to sleep alone.
D:
I didn't want to sleep
Me:
Go home.
;)
Don't make me feel bad
D:
I won't. I left
You need your sleep
Me:
I do
No comments:
Post a Comment