shit

well, i guess things are going to change. a lot. my marriage will end. i will move somewhere else. i will have to tell my friends that i fucked up but good. my life will change irreparably. and i am not comfortable with that. i like change, but maybe i like the idea of change more than i actually like change.

i have shit planned. i have Bike the Drive Memorial Day Weekend. i'm supposed to go to a wedding in June. i have a trail race in July. i'm supposed to go to North Carolina in the beginning of September. after that, i got nothing. come december i'll have tons of shit going on. fuck. now what?

i want to take allegra and now i feel like i shouldn't. i want ibuprofen. i want sushi. i want diet pepsi. shit. instead, i'm eating almonds and drinking earl grey... with sugar and not equal. who the hell am i? i said i would never be like this. that i would skydive and run and bike and jump rope and kickbox. and take cold medicine. fuck. why do they make it like this?

what about my friends, my parents? shit. i will have to get a divorce. poor H. he has no idea. he still loves me. i lay awake last night and thought about how i don't want to be married anymore. i want to go to bed when i want, wake up when i want, watch what i want, eat what i want. but i'll miss him. he loves me. i often wonder what would have happened had i never met D. i would probably still be bored out of my mind. i get bored easily.

but for the next 20 fucking years, i won't be bored. fuck. i don't have enough in retirement. i'll be fucking 58 years goddamn years old. i want to go to Nepal. i want a summer home. i don't want to get fat. i was supposed to lose 20 pounds. i hate throwing up. i don't want to squeeze 7 pounds out of my tiny vagina. shit!

shit!

i guess i'm glad i stopped doing lines. heh-heh.

i drank wine over the weekend! OMG! it will be deformed! it will get into U of I and not Yale! crap!! i've doomed it for life!

ugh, then i'll have to hang out with jerky parents and their jerky kids. and school! shit!!!! what the hell am i going to do??! i don't care about of any of that crap!!

FUCK!!!!!