At some point I had control.
I had control over the emotions that now flood through my brain, proving to me that the chaos theory, is, in all means, a real thing. When did I lose control? It happened when I began seeing something different in our affair. It happened when she became pregnant. I talked to my best friend, my mind began to wander about this baby of ours. The thing is, it wasnt a next day abortion. We talked, she emoted, she told her husband. The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that there were only really two options.
One: she has the baby, and that baby, K, and I would be a family. There was no way I would have let her come to term with a baby and then give it up for adoption. No way. Id work 100 jobs before I ever let that happen. Theres no way she would have been able to do that either. I know her, she would have taken one look at that child and been like, yup, youre going home with me. The other thing is, and I think I mentioned it to her before she told her husband, was that there was no way on this earth that I was going to let someone else raise my child. It would have crushed me. Whatever spirit and hope I have left for this world would have been gone.
Two: Well, yeah. Even though I mourn, and even though I wonder what could have been. I dont blame her, I dont blame myself either. How could I ask a woman, that I was just starting to really fall in love with to abandon her entire life to have a child with me. I mean it is me. I'm small potatoes, for a woman of her amazingness. I mean, come on, is your head cold? She could have you in a knit hat before you hit the door to go outside to face the cold. You wouldnt even know how the damn thing got on your head to begin with. Like I said, its a lot to ask of anyone. She knew I wanted to keep it. She has that way about her, she looks into me, she can see how I feel, what I'm thinking before I could ever summon up the words or the courage to tell her. Its very disarming, and one the many myriad of reasons I'm in love with her.
She told me that she decided to end her pregnancy. I sighed and didnt put up much of a fight. Which I regret. I sat her down later and told her, but it was after the fact. I told her that I really didnt tell her, I feined it. But I didnt just come out straightforward and say it. I want you to have this baby with me. It wasnt fair of me to do what I did. She told me that it really wouldnt have mattered if I wanted it or if I had said that, it wouldnt have affected the outcome. I dont know if she was just letting me off the hook, or was serious, or a combination of the two.
So it happened, she had the abortion, I remember she told me the time of her appointment, I remember looking at my phone as the time ticked closer and closer, I remember thinking about her, about what she was going through. I know she cried, she didnt have to tell me she did, and I dont think she ever has. I love her for crying, for caring. Id have given anything to take that pain away from her. I imagined her in her robe, sitting there alone, I wanted so badly to run to her, to take her away. But I had nothing but concrete shoes, and a quiet, antsy, desperation as I was stuck at work taking shitty drink orders, from people who had no idea that the man that they were looking at, his heart was breaking.
Soon after, K and her husband went on vacation, it was extremely hard for me to hear her tell me, "now while I'm gone, I'm not really gonna be able to talk to you at all". I guess I can thank her now for forming my relationship with my best friend. While she was gone I was lost, I didnt know what to do without my friend, my lover. She helped me through my last rough patch, and now all I got was a dont text me, til i text you. My friend Bill and I had talked a bit, hanging out here and there, but the second day, while I was going out of my mind, he asked me to come over and watch a movie. I think I was there the next 5 nights as well. It took my mind off of things a bit. Not entirely. But whatever thoughts I had about K and I having a family, were brought back to earth with the harshest of realities. At this moment, I was cast aside. I hated that feeling. I hated feeling lesser. I hated not being able to share my day with her. Did I understand why I couldnt talk to her while she was away? Of course. Did I like it? Fuck no.
So I tried to retain the semblance of control that I had, I tried to ease off a bit. I tried to distract myself with other women, booze, my friends. I tried so damn hard. But she kept getting in. She kept tearing the wall I had built down, brick by brick. Just as I was laying a new brick, the last one would be gone. I knew I was in love with her. I just didnt know what to do with that love. I tried burying it, hiding it from her. But like I said above, all she had to do was peer into my eyes. I love her. I love her more than I could ever put into words. I stopped trying to fight it, and I'm a better man for it.
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