I am D.
Its hard to not be in the drivers seat of life sometimes. Hard to know yourself, and know the kind of person you are, know that you need control, know that you like to be the pilot, the captain......and then let all of that go because of how deeply you love another person.
My lover is asleep now, its 3am, I have no real business being awake. I am exhausted. I spent the evening with some friends of mine. One friend in particular is moving home in a mere five days, and I'm trying to milk every last opportunity I have to spend with him. But this is important to me too. It wouldn't be easy for me to fall asleep anyways. I'd have my thoughts about this blog, of my lover, of our future together to keep me awake if I didn't put whatever thoughts and feelings I had in this blog before i drifted off to sleep. But she's asleep, and its not with me.
Its hard to hear that the person you love, still loves another person. Its hard to sit and think about this amazing woman, who you know is deeply in love with you, still has room for someone else in her life. Its hard to hear things that you love that happened be put negatively. Words like downhill. Now in all honestly, I signed up for this. I knew that if this was something I wanted to pursue then I'd have to be patient. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets start from the beginning...
She tells me she saw me before, but the first time I met her she was standing behind the counter where I work, being trained by a good friend of mine, and I had just returned from a vacation with my then girlfriend at the time in Texas. I remember then the great smile and demeanor she had. I picked up my keys and automatically looked forward to working with the new girl.
I'll admit that as we worked together those first few weeks that I didn't let on that I had a girlfriend, I don't think it would have mattered one bit, as she did tell me shortly after meeting her that she was married. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not really the type that cheats, I never have, and as far as I knew then, I wasn't the type that would have got involved with anyone who was involved, let alone married. But there was such a beautiful, easy way about the both of us together. Kindred spirits, if you wanna call it that. I felt something with her that I have never felt before, and that is a peace within myself. We took interest in each other, we chatted, we confided. There were several things I told her about her marriage, that I thank god I said them then, because saying them now would make me seem severely biased. I could tell she was unhappy. I could tell that she wasn't appreciated. I'm not going to get into my deep, deep feelings for her, and how I feel about her today, but at that point I was so happy to have found her.
My ex and I had a long breakup that took months, but by the end of it, I was an emotional wreck. K., as I will refer to her here, was there for me every step of the way. She told me I deserved better, she told me that I was a good man. I found solace in her, I found comfort. We talked more. I loved making her laugh, I loved being a part of her day. And we talked, and talked. After one day of hanging out, after thanksgiving, she was shopping for a iPhone, and we just kind of sat in front of my house in her car. Neither one of us wanted to leave, we both wanted to hang out more. So we decided to go to Evanston to check out the hobby store. But we were, kinda, boxed in by a moving truck and stuck just sitting there. She turned to me with that look, and I'll never forget it as long as I live, that look like you so long for a person, that you want them to take you, put your head in their hands and share that first kiss. I wanted to so badly. She was radiant and beautiful. But I didn't. It did happen, and it was just as beautiful as when I could have kissed her then, but i think to myself that theres a lot of kisses I missed out on by not doing it then.
She left work, got a new job downtown, and I was heartbroken. I didn't want my access to her to get cut off. I didn't want to not have that "I know when I'm gonna see her, because shes on the schedule" access to her, but it didn't matter. I didn't know it then, but she was in love with me. I'm kind of clueless that way. But it was no matter, she made a point to come see me, she would come around for little visits, and I saw her every Sunday at work. And as she was working downtown, our texts became more and more flirty, more and more sexual. The first time I touched her, my body felt like it was on fire, but she resisted kissing me. She said if she kissed me, then shed have sex with me. I couldn't help myself one day, and although I resisted, I kissed her, and I wanted more.
I remember vividly the first time we made love, and the second. Which is the point of this entire post. Its my answer to her post. She got pregnant. She told me and my heart stopped for a second. My mind began to wander. I wasn't scared either. I did initially try to tell her what I thought she wanted to hear. It was never my intention to make her life harder. I talked to my friend that night and said, "so guess who might get to be a daddy." I thought to myself about my family, my brothers. How happy they would be for me, and for themselves. They've always wanted me to have a family. I suppose they see the same thing in me that I hope K does. She pinned me down in the car and asked me how I really felt. I said exactly what she said that I said. But I did want her to have it. I did want to her to run away with me. I kinda knew then what I know very well now. She's a keeper. Id have taken off and ran with her. I would have tried to be the best father, and lover to her that I could, and I still would. I told her months down the line, that I'd like to try again, and there's no truer statement that I've ever made.
I didn't know until tonight exactly everything that she went through, and it makes me incredibly sad. I had asked her if she wanted me to go with her that day, for support. But the truth is, I'd have probably tried to talk her out of it. If I would have heard her say," I'm sorry", I would have lifted her up threw her over my shoulder and carried her out of the place. For all of it, I want to tell her that I'm sorry. Sorry that maybe I didnt have the right words, maybe that our relationship, with its newness, didnt carry the same weight it does now. I ache at her loss as much as I ache at mine. I'll never make that mistake again.
It doesn't take long for anyone to realize that they are besides someone amazing. I knew it then, I know it even more now. She showed me the picture of the ultrasound months later. I wept so hard, and begged her to come over. I mourn what could have been. I carry that picture around with me and look at it more often than I should. My views may be different than hers, but I know, one day, we will have a child together. Until then, like I said, this is very hard.
4am, time to sleep. I look forward to hearing from her in the morning.
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