Falling in love

It took me awhile to truly realize my feelings for K.  That's not to say that the feelings weren't there, they were, they always have been. It just took me awhile to sort through this haze that I was in at the time.

I loved my ex very much,  we had a great relationship while we were together, but I knew then what I know now is that she came from a broken home. She was abused by her father, and she is scared to death of happiness. The thought of getting married for her means that eventually she turns into her mother and father, so she did what I knew she would eventually do. She ran. She ran because she could see where the relationship was heading. I tried to keep things together, that's what I do. But in the end, human nature won out and she left.

I was heartbroken, disappointed in myself, wondering if there were things I could have done differently to change what had happened. But as there are some of us that run away from relationships, who take them for granted, that put up that great front at the beginning, there are those of us who cant stop caring.

I thought about K after she left last night. We had a great day together. She showed me the place at the lake that she goes to to feel at peace, we had tea, we smelled old books, we walked down the street hand in hand and kissed on the corners. We had dinner, we discussed our future, and we hurried home to make love.

After she left I thought about the people that we are. It never occurred to me in the past that what I needed in life wasn't someone opposite me. But someone exactly like me. K, is a giver. She cares, she likes to dote on you, she likes seeing how happy the things she does makes you, and it means something to her that she was able to do it. How do I know these things? Because I'm exactly the same way. In past relationships, with people that weren't like me, those types of things would annoy that person. I never quite got how they would. Who doesn't enjoy attention? Who wouldn't like dinner made for them, or a flower as you got off the train. Who wouldn't love that they thought of you and bought you tshirts that had things on them that were special to you, things that you only brought up once. I mentioned once maybe a month prior, something about the Chicago Whales, how I really liked the logo. A month later, here comes K with a Chicago Whales tshirt for me. God, I love her. Its my favorite tshirt. I look forward to wearing the damn thing, and sad after I do. But I digress...

Here I was all broken hearted, and at that time K and I were enjoying a good friendship. I really love her as a person, and that means a lot to me. Even if none of this ever happened, if my ex hadn't become my ex. We'd still be talking. Shes a good person, and a great friend.  So as K and I talked, and our talks became more flirty, I enjoyed her attention. It was one of the first things I noticed. I noticed how she looked at me when we were out one day taking pictures of the lakefront, wind gusting everywhere, a little bottle cap took this amazing journey on its own. We made excuses to hang out, we went shopping together, we never stopped talking. I looked forward to seeing her, to texting her about my day. These things went on for a month or two, we grew closer to each other. I confided in her things I wouldn't tell anyone, about myself, about my relationship. She put me at ease even then.

Sometime in late November early December, we started flirting. I know we flirted before, but this was purposeful flirting, the innuendos go from abstract jokes, to personal references. From, "that's what she said", to "I had a dream about you last night".  I remember the first time we let ourselves go. God I was so nervous, she was on the train coming from her job downtown, and I was at work. She always looked amazing when she went to work. I know I commented on it before to her. Shes beautiful whenever I see her, but god damn, when she wants to push that amp to 11, she most certainly can.  So, we're texting and she's telling me how horny she is, and I told her that if she stops in tonight, I most certainly am gonna attack her. She did, and like a famished animal I did. We went at it in the back room for awhile. God there was so much passion and emotion between the two of us.

Things carried on that way for awhile. We kissed, we flirted, we had amazing sex.  I told myself that was it. If it ended it ended, she could walk away, and so could I. I cant fall in love with this woman, shes not available to me. But then she got pregnant. She went away on vacation with her husband, and I felt something stir inside of me. Something that I knew was trouble. Jealousy. I was jealous of a life that someone else had, that I wanted.

I tried to fight the feelings I had while she was away, tried to carry that momentum of not talking on, tried to stick her in the friend box, and leave her there. Friends with benefits. Extremely good benefits.  I made new friends, hung out and talked to them more, it was baseball season so i had a cubs game most of my days off, I could do this.

 I couldn't. I found myself wanting to talk to her, wanting to share with her. I sent her pictures of the places I was, I would tell her where I was most all of the time, or she'd ask where I was or who I was with. I still had that feeling inside of me every time I got that first glimpse of her. The one that still makes me giddy. I had it yesterday as I got off the train and saw her sitting in her car waiting for me. I think i might have even bounded in my steps. I was falling in love with her, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. The heart wants what the heart wants. We still took little trips together, we went to a cubs game, she got jealous of my other doings, and I of hers. I tried to tell her I loved her, numerous times. In texts, in conversation. Its hard to say I love you to a person and not know if you're going to get it back. It happened yesterday to me, it still kind of hurts, but you try to understand where they are coming from.....its just words right? I know she's in love with me today. So when it doesn't happen now, I try to remember that. But then? I had no idea. Plus I was still trying to hold onto the hope that I wasn't.

That all changed for me in a matter of a few days around my birthday. It was just bubbling inside of me, so I wrote her this long email telling her that I loved her. Thinking about this now, I wish I would have just grabbed her and said it. But it was complicated. I have no problems telling her now, she might wish sometimes I'd shut up about it, but then, it was a struggle for me to admit. So I wrote the email, but I didn't send it. I didn't want the whole I love you thing to cloud what was gonna be a good couple days for me. So I held onto it, I told her I wouldn't send it to her until after my birthday. She knew though. She can read me like a book.

What cemented things for me, and for how I really felt about her was the night before my birthday. She was going to a concert by herself, and I found out a customer of ours was going as well. I wasn't going so I told the customer that K was going as well. I'm a very protective person. I didn't really like the fact that K was going to this concert by herself. Now let me explain something. Could she go by herself? Yes. Would she have a good time even if she was by herself? Yes. Is that gonna stop me from wanting her to have an even better time around people of the same ilk if I could help it? NO!  So I set this whole thing up where K would have someone to meet with, to kind of hang with at the concert. The day of the concert I saw the customer, and we shared a smoke. I told her, "now listen, I'm not going to be there, so I'm putting you in charge of making sure that K has a good time." Listening to the words as they came out of my mouth made me realize that I was being protective of her, and even if she didn't need me to be, I enjoyed doing it. I didn't think about what was happening inside of me as I had that conversation. But it was at that moment, when K wasn't even around that I knew, I felt throughout my entire body that I loved her. I loved her enough to try to orchestrate anything to make sure she was happy.

I ended up going to that concert out of some weird happenstance, and I hope she had a better time because I was there. We had a late snack at a diner, and took the long way home talking as we walked in the heat of that summers night. We kissed goodnight and she wished me a happy birthday. I wanted her to come home with me then. That feelings has never gone away.

This was my point of no return. I knew that once I had fell in love with her, that I wasnt going to try to protect myself anymore. Either I was going to back out, or I was going to go all in. I chose to go with the all in.  I told her one evening as we were out strolling, that by this time next year we'd be together. I meant it. I still mean it. I will say this, I never have let myself go, as much as I have with her.