obessed

at some point in the past two weeks, a switch flipped from holding back and making excuses to just saying "fuck it" and doing what i want. but now i find that i think about everything all the time. the past, the present, the future. his face, what he's doing now, what H is doing, what i should be doing, what i am going to do when i go home, will i go home or will i meet up with D, do i have to go shopping, are there any errands i have to run, should i work out, did D text me, did H email me, have i finished up my work projects.

it's fucking maddening.

look, i'd rather be over-stimulated than under-stimulated. i hate hate hate being bored. but i also have a hard time 1) slowing down, 2) taking time for myself, 3) relaxing.

for the last two weeks, i have just been stressed beyond belief. do i leave H, when, where would i go, how will he react, should i get an apartment, where should i get an apartment, should i move in with my sibling, i know i shouldn't stay with D, how much can i afford, what if i lose my job, if we get divorced what will happen, how will i tell my friends, how will they react, what the fuck am i really doing?

i have this tight feeling in my chest that just won't go away. booze, working out, xanax, nothing touches it. my heart has been pounding in my chest for the most part, like it's right on the edge of a panic attack. all i want, seriously, is my own space. my own place where, when i come home, it's quiet. no tv on, no one else, just me and whatever i want to do. if i want to listen to my shitty music, i can do that. if i want to watch Titanic on Blu-ray, i can do that. if i want to make tuna salad for dinner, i can do that. if i want to curl up in my overstuffed chair and stare out the window, i can do that. i miss those days when i lived alone. my own space.

also, not knowing the future is taking its toll on me. when H and i were talking about house hunting a while back, it was nice to not have to hold back because he was my husband and we were in this for the long haul. but now... i just don't know. i don't want to plan vacations with him, i don't want to buy a house with him, i don't want to make any more commitments with him. not that i really have to worry about it with how lazy he is. but at some point, it all changed.

maybe it's just sunk in how unhappy i am. and now it's getting really hard to deal with.