We'll meet again

There's a song that has the title of this post. We'll meet again, dont know where, dont know when, but i know we'll meet again some sunny day. It's a song of hope. Its sang in such that its supposed to be a see ya later, instead of a goodbye. But we tend to do that as people, don't we? We try to make things easier on ourselves, instead of facing the truth.

K contacted me today and let me know that she's leaning towards trying to work things out with her husband. My initial thought was to be angry. I wanted to tell her husband everything. To try to destroy their attempt at rekindling their relationship, even though I think that being as it is, and the fact that he doesnt know everything, is trying to rebuild a faulty home on a an already unsteady foundation.

I've often toiled with the idea of telling him what was going on.

 A: its been the only source of control that I have carried with this relationship. There have been numerous times when I have felt all has been lost, and that I was spinning out of control whereas the fact of telling him might put things back in my favor. As is now. If I told him everything, and I mean everything, he probably would never be able to look at her in the same way ever again. Its a very shitty thing to have control over, someone elses future. I wish I didnt have it. Part of my want of using said power is that its something I could finally be rid of. Once I used it I couldn't use it again. I'd be free of its constant presence in that back of my mind. Its a one use tool, so I could just go merrily on my way afterwards knowing there was shit else I could do. No regrets, as I could finally say there was nothing else I could do.

B: I feel that honesty is the best policy. If it were me, I wouldnt want to live the rest of my life hiding. In fear of more truth being brought to light at some slip, at some uncovering of the facts that weren't known to the other party. The only thing we have in this life is the truth of ourselves, to let others see us in our own light. I know I have faults, I know what my weaknesses entail, and I take solace that I've been truthful about them. I tend to tell a person maybe way more than they are comfortable with. So, when I stumble, or I feel like I may do something that is unbeneficial to the party I am with, I want them to know how, and why, I got there. I want to be understood, and not letting someone know everything robs them of that. Receiving love for the person one presents, cannot be nearly as rewarding as receiving love us for who we truly are.

Regardless of how I feel about the situation, and how at some times I believe that K has put me in a position where I've felt that she wanted me to tell her husband everything, I cannot. I am fallible. I cannot hurt her. I've often told myself that the main reason why I would never fuck her life up, is that I could never intentionally hurt her, even to my own benefit. I've thought about instances where she didnt share that same consideration with me, but, I've wrestled with the idea too long, if I did tell him, and it resulted in the ending of their relationship, which I'm sure it would, I would be left with the fact that I made the decision for her. Which is why I am writing what I am now. I always wanted someone to see me as the greatest person in their life. I was foolish to dream in this instance, that what I felt was reciprocated. Just because I love her more than anyone else ever has, doesnt mean that those feelings were ever mirrored. Its why I've made the decision to walk away. Her actions have lead me to the point where I don't feel loved anymore. She'll never fight for me the way that I have for her. She'll never believe that I'm that one person she doesnt want to live her life without, because that's the decision she's making. Its not easy for me to face these truths, but they are the truth.

With all of this being said, I am going to go. I have reached the point where I have been been bested by an obligation to another human being, or safety, or financial comfort. I am no longer the most viable option, even though I did everything I could. I really did. I chose heart over head at every turnpoint in this relationship, even now,  but even I cant allow myself to be someones plan B. I know she loves her husband, but he hasnt returned that love to her by choice these past years. He hasnt met her life with the same enthusiasm that I have. The fact that this is a better option over what I provide breaks my heart like something that I feel she doesnt realize. In essence, she's told me that she's ok with never seeing me the rest of her life, and its something I couldn't fathom to do to her.

So with that I leave you to this.

K's happiness will always be the primary cause at the root of my actions. Despite expected and known obstacles, I have stayed the path that has always been true to me. When things seemed darkest, I got back up and fought for her. I still would, its just not wanted anymore. Should she decide that happiness is something that shouldn't be out of obligation, rather freely given without request, then hopefully our paths will cross once more. Until then I will continue to live my life knowing that I did everything that I could to show her that I am the man that is meant for her.

I still have hope that words like, closeness, love, joy, and "someday,"  still have meaning in this world. Your faith can be rewarded. It hasn't yet. Maybe someday. Despite everything else I still have hope. I will remain optimistic, and I will always have faith in her.  So until we meet again.....