She sent me a picture the other day. It haunts me. She is as beautiful as I remember, laying in bed, pillows propped up behind her. Her wonderful face. Oh how I wish I was laying next to her, silently feeling her body and presence next to me. Feeling secure again in the world. I miss her so terribly. I miss her face.
We've spoke some in the last few days. Its been a nice reprieve from not hearing from her at all. But all I want, all that echoes through me, is this need to see her. To talk to her about everything. To talk to her about nothing. For a hug. For her smell. To give her words and thoughts and feelings I've expressed on paper. To be able to sit and exist without a time limit. Waiting is all I seem to do. Wondering as well.
The fucked up thing about everyone, is that 99.99% of people are just too damn afraid of telling the truth. They are afraid at what it will make them look like, they are afraid of non acceptance. They are unwilling to stand up and say what they truly believe. I've encountered this in my friends when asking for advice. I've watched as people tell people what they want to hear. I've read numerous advice columns on the net. Its all bullshit. I own each and every one of my actions. Am I a bad person? I worried at first what my closest friends would think about me when this all started. I was afraid that I would somehow be viewed as a bad person for this relationship. But when I let them know how I felt, and what was going through my mind, they accepted my actions, one didn't, but we got past it. I can't tell you the last time I lied. It doesnt make me a saint. It just makes my life uncomplicated.
I have so many questions. I am and have always been an open book to her. My want to be understood by her has lead me to that. She is the first person in my life that has got to the core of me. The first person to cut through all the walls and blockades I've put up. She's seen me for me. There have been others that have come close. But there was always something about them that held me back. Something that prevented me from being truly myself, and truly honest. Most of the times it's been knowledge that they may run, or had half a foot out the door. I never viewed K that way. Anything she wants to know is just a question away. I know she's been honest with me, not 100% forthcoming, but always honest. She's never been afraid to tell me what she wants, or how she wants it. I enjoy that. I think its one of the best things about our relationship. We communicate so well, and its what great relationships are built on. But I cant have a conversation where I dont know when its going to end. I hate being at arms length.
I've always treated her like an extension of myself. I try to make her bad days better. I try to listen and serve up a point of view without ever forgetting to let her know that I am on her side. I cheer lead for her. I've always wanted her to get a glimpse of the person I saw through my eyes. When she did something selfless, I'd tell her how amazing she is. I've listened to her wants, no matter how small or seemly insignificant. I'd never hide how I felt, because I've never seen a purpose in it. If I saw something that would make her smile, I'd do it, or I'd buy it. Actions speak louder than words ever could. But all I have left is words.
There's so much that I want to say, so many thoughts and feelings that I just can't convey here. I go places that I tell her I'll be, hoping she'll show up. I look for signs. I look for anything telling me that she wants me to go somewhere, to do something.
I feel adrift.
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