Something has changed.

Its not been all peaches and cream.

K feels guilty a lot of the time. Its a guilt that I can understand, and its part of the person that she is. I wouldn't love her as much as I do if she didn't. But it hurts to watch, it hurts to know that you have a certain hand in why this woman feels like shit. You still want to see her, you still want to be with her. Theres nothing you can do, and it makes you feel so helpless.

K and her husband went on a vacation down to Florida a few weeks back. We were going through a point where she was trying to distance herself from me again. I can understand why she does it, but it doesn't make it feel any better. Feb 22nd, not a good day to begin with,  came and I had gone to the lake to meet up with her. That didn't happen. She wasn't talking to me. I knew when she was leaving on vacation, I knew her agenda. I already hated the whole vacation thing because all it does is remind me of how I felt when she went to Seattle.

I told her I had bought her some peas, in a text message. K's an avid gardener, she loves being outside as much as I do. She had mentioned to me earlier in the week about starting her garden again, and how she was excited to try her hand again at peas. So I'm at target, I see the gardening section, and what do I do? Damn straight I buy that woman some peas, and daisies, well because those are my favorites.  So she sends me an email that just reads: Peas? Then i explain to her that I bought them before she decided to distance herself from me. That these indeed aren't, please don't leave peas. They're I was thinking of you peas. Theres a huge difference people! So, I don't hear anything back.  I hate not hearing from her. Its extremely hard not to have a line of communication with a person you're in love with.  Its a lot of looking down at your phone and constantly refreshing your email. Little do I know she's thinking of me on vacation as much as I'm thinking of her.

So here we are, a couple days from her birthday and all I can think about is how I'm not going to see her, and how I probably wont even get a chance to talk to her. So I write. I write whatever I was feeling down on paper for her. I wrote one as a drunk sloppy mess, and another the next day. I didn't read the drunk one back to myself, I didn't want to end up tearing it up if I didn't like what it said. I wanted my raw emotions out there for her. After midnight I sent her a happy birthday text. The next day I walked to the library and put those letters in a book. I snapped a pic of the book spine so I knew she could find it. I sent it to her with the wrong library name, but she found it. I knew she would. As much as she loves me, she loves a good adventure.

She texted me to tell me that I indeed fucked up, and sent the wrong library, but that she did find my letters. We texted back and forth a little, and I was so very happy, and relieved to have talked to her.

We chatted some more the next few days, and I asked to see her a few times. She hinted at seeing me, and then backed off. That Saturday she was out meandering and she sent a text to tell me that traffic sucked. I took that opportunity that I knew she was out and probably by herself to call her. As the phone rang I kept saying pick up, pick up, pick up. She did, we chatted back and forth and after some resisting on her part and insisting on mine, we agreed to go get food. We ended up spending the better part of the day together, and it was great. What amazes me sometimes is that theres no hesitation in when we're together. It was if no time had passed. Just walking. and talking. Kissing, hugging, sharing, and a snowball in the ass.

The next day she came into work, reluctantly again.  It was my friends last day. We talked, and sat together in the cafe. We ended up kissing and touching each other and it turned a little sexual at the end. I walked her to her car and kissed. She said we'd see each other soon. But we didn't.

Things went back to being distant, she gets back to not texting as much, when she does its kinda cold and not as giving as it is when things are going well between us. This goes on a week or so, until one day she tells me shes at home, and I'm off that day.  I told her I wished she were in bed with me. She said she would if she had the energy. But I'm just at that point, I need to see her. I had already planned on trying to catch up with her outside her work, the next day. I immediately thought to myself about going to her house and ringing her bell to see me.

This is where my brain starts racing, she could feel offended, she could slam the door in my face, she could tell me no and yell at me. Or she could come down, see its me, and give me a big hug. So I went, and I did something that I've never done before. I went to her house. I rang the bell and after a little misunderstanding, she came down. We hugged for almost a good two minutes straight, I was relieved to have her in my arms again, and I can tell she didn't want to let go. I think at that moment I was just what she needed, and it made me feel amazing. At that moment I felt like something had changed.

We went back to my place and listened to a great album on vinyl and made love. I've never in my life have made love to a woman before, I thought I had, but with K its something entirely unlike anything I've ever experienced. Its truly talking and expressing with your body, its one of the most beautiful and connecting experiences I've ever had. We laid there together for hours, and the album just kept repeating, but neither of us cared. We wound up going out to dinner at the golden nugget.

The next day I took the train out to see her in the bitter cold, I jumped a fence, we shopped for shoes. On Sunday, we spent the day together. We made love, ate breakfast, went antique shopping and ended up having sex in the bathroom, we just couldn't contain ourselves and our emotions.  We had sex when she dropped me off too. Every time just as great as the time before. Theres an insane amount of passion between the two of us. Theres an instant connection when the two of us are together.

She came by and saw me on Monday, she started this blog, she came and saw me on lunch on Tuesday. On Wednesday she cancelled her personal training session and we spent the day after she got off work together, we talked about a future together. I can feel things are different. But on a normal basis I wouldn't have asked why. I would have been too afraid of jinxing things. I love the way she is around me now. I love discussing a future with her. I don't want to stop doing it ever. So I don't rock the boat sometimes. I know the why now. I love that I know, I'm not someone who's good left in the dark.

I know we both have this feeling inside of us that we aren't getting any younger, there are things that we both want to do that have a certain time limit on. We both want a family. We both want to travel and explore. We both want to live a life, that neither of us are living at the moment. She said something to me that will keep me smiling for a long time. She told me that I want to have children, but before that happens I want to travel, I want to experience you first. It filled me with such happiness.

I asked her why today, she posted part of the why today as well. I'm glad we have this blog. I'm learning more about her than I already had, and I couldn't be happier at the moment.