"do you want to have an affair with me?"

these words were actually spoken by D. we were flirting over text message late at night, talking about our feelings for one another. i had just come out and told him that i was crushing on him. yes, a late-30s woman told someone that she had a crush on him. guh. anyway, we were getting into the diagnostics of our emotions and he asked, "do you want to have an affair with me?" my heart fluttered in my chest when i saw those words pop up on my screen. yes! yes! a million times yes! i thought he was kidding around, but as time discovered, he was serious.

he set up the rules.
#1 no record. delete text messages, pictures, emails.
#2 you can't fall in love with me.

from my journal, 12/15:

Regardless of like, we decided that it would be best if we stopped. It started by him telling me to delete my convo with him. I said no. Then he said that if we're "going to play," there are going to be rules. The only rule was I had to delete all evidence. I argued with him about that and he said, "I will stop everything. I'm not fucking around." And I was like, everything? "No more flirting, no more talking about sec, no more thinking about it." And I said I thought that's what I meant by closing Pandora's Box. I had thought we had already agreed to keep it closed. And he said, "Yes, I will cement that fucker closed." Then after I grudingly agreed to that, I asked, "Why do you want to play this with me?" He said, "I'm not playing."... Then he said, I would make a terrible robber, leaving evidence all over the place. I said I'm fine as long as there are no emotions involved. Then came the second rule. "You cannot, I repeat CANNOT, fall in love with me." My heart just stopped when I read that. I thought about it for a minute and said, "I can't play." I can't. It may already be too late. To have him touch me would probably kill me.

despite the fact that right before this conversation, i had asked him if he ever had had sex standing up. the day before we had been talking about dirty dreams we'd had about one another. this is how an affair starts. distances close. doors open just enough to see inside, to get a glimpse of the man that exists. every time i spoke to him, he opened that door just a little bit more.

when i first met him, he was a closed book. quiet. he struck me as one of those people who only talked to people who passed his "test." you weren't cool unless he decided you were. the first few times i worked with him kind of sucked because he just didn't talk all that much. and when you're alone with someone for 3-4 hours, it can get a little boring. i think i mentioned to my husband once that D was hard to talk to.

i'm not sure when that all turned around. i'm good at getting people to come out of their shells. i found out about his past, which was kind of jaw-dropping. i got to hear about his relationship. (side note: when i found out he had a girl friend, about 2-3 weeks later, my heart kind of dropped a little. seriously.) turns out that his gf had moved to Texas to go to school and was kind of dicking him around a little. he raved about their relationship and how great it was. i thought it was strange that if someone loved someone so much, why the fuck did they move to texas? red flags everywhere. anyway, she had admitted to kissing some other dude and then she wasn't answering her phone or her emails or texts. it was driving him crazy. i could always tell when he hadn't heard from here because he was just stand behind the register, leaning on it like it was the only thing holding him up, and stare out the windows. he was a million miles away. as i got to know him and how much he put into that relationship, it made me want to go down to TX and beat this chick's ass. shit or get off the pot already, honey. you're killing this guy. and he certainly didn't deserve it. he was kind and funny and sweet and complementary and dirty and smart and sarcastic and tattooed and edgy and sexy and romantic. it's really a rare package, to be perfectly honest. he didn't deserve a broken heart, he deserved honesty and love.

and this is how i fell in love with him.

one night, we were outside while he was having a smoke and i picked up his phone. he said, "don't look at my pictures." which is exactly what i did while i wasn't looking. he had dirty pictures. of himself. oh, dear. beautiful pictures of amazing body parts. i quickly turned off the phone and said, "you should have warned me." but he didn't get it or didn't hear me. i spend the rest of the night in a haze. after work, we went to a local bar where he proceeded to have a few beers in a short period of time. there was this drunk young chick next to us celebrating her birthday. she kept leaning into him. she smelled good. i kept leaning into him. he smelled good. we walked home and he said i was a good-looking woman. ugh. i felt very matronly at that point. i thought, this guy is NOT interested at all. not that he should be, for chrisakes. i'm married! god, i was so horny at that point. i would have had sex with him right on that sidewalk.

it kind of built up from there. talking more. hanging out more. he has this gravity that just pulls me in. his smile, his amazing blue eyes, his little chuckle, his insight. i can't stay away.