K and I had a pretty good day. She had a great review at work. She was in good spirits all day, and I'd like to think that this blog, and a super good dosage of me help.
I did bake her a cake, and she raved about it all day. I heard her tell me, you baked me a cake like 20 times today, had I known that I would have baked her a cake sooner. She told me that I was the first guy to ever bake her a cake, and I said I hope I'm the last. I would bake a cake for her every damn day for the rest of my life if I could. She'd say no and make some weight reference, but honestly I hope I am the last man that ever bakes her a cake. By the time I'm done baking cakes for her I'll be able to do some crazy good frosting then.
She came over a bit before her other nightly engagements with friends and had a piece of cake with me, she wasnt feeling too well, but we ended up making love anyway. She left but she had planned to come back to say farewell for awhile to a good friend.
She stopped by and got to hang with some of my friends, she's just now getting to the point where she feels comfortable being a little girlfriendy towards me around them, even though she still brings up her husband from time to time. I think its more of a instilled action at this point. But its ok. I know eventually she'll get more used to being around friends of mine, and she'll be able to totally let her guard down.
She was laying on my friends bed, so I made my way over by her. What can I say, I wanted her close to me. We ended up with her laying in my lap, just kind of holding hands, my other hand caressing her hair as our friend sang us some songs. I gazed at her as she closed her eyes, a huge smile came over her face, and then mine. I sank into the happiness and peace that I think she was feeling at that moment. I asked my friend to play an otis redding song for her when she came over. It was important to me.
Months back I was at my friends show, I was not feeling as good now about all of this as I do now. Without really knowing what he would sing, he played, "these arms". Hearing that song, with the mood I was in, it really stuck with me. It was everything I was feeling.
So he played it and a few others, and everything was great. She said she should probably leave, and I said no, what if you stayed. I always want her to stay. But I didnt mean tonight as in stay, but what if you just stayed, and never left.
I walked her to her car and kissed her goodnight. Theres a chance I may see her tomorrow, so I asked, and well told her that I'd see her tomorrow. I hate feeling like a pest. But I'd be stupid not to tell her how much I'd like to see her.
I just got home and decided to write this all down in the blog, poured myself a big glass of milk and divided the last big piece of cake into two. I took the other piece and carefully put it on a smaller plate and wrapped it in plastic wrap. The last piece is for her. I hope she eats it tomorrow.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Jealousy
I don't think our relationship has ever been a "traditional affair". I never really thought of this as just sex. I've always liked K, even before we first started getting together. We talked. We had started to build the foundation of a very good friendship. We worked together, we would talk about what was happening out in the world, share her interests with me, talk about her relationship with her husband. I would share my nightly doings, where I was going, and who with, what was going on with my sinking relationship at the time, and she'd talk me up. She'd give me advice. One day I had mentioned wanting to take some photographs around the city, and I believe I asked K if she would go, because she owned a very good camera and shes very good company. So we went, we sat at a diner, she took the worlds best photo of me ever, and we talked. It was at this point we started to text each other on the phone.
So day after day, all day we'd text. I think we were both pretty lonely at that point and in need of a connection. We shared mutual days off, so we found things to do together. Mostly shopping, but some wandering around town too.
So before any of this started we already knew we really enjoyed hanging out together, talking all day, and each others personalities. And that's kind of the point. For me, if she was single, we would have just been dating at that point. There was no point in this relationship where it was just sex with me.
I tried to convince myself otherwise because of the fact that she was married. The sex was and still is amazing, so that helps, but I've always enjoyed her. Which is why I'm jealous.
A lot of men will tell you that having an affair with a married lady is great. The whole, "Why are you complaining, you're getting all the fun and all the sex, with none of the responsibilities", While that may be true for some guys, its just not for me. I care about her. I stick around after the sex, I talk to her. I text her right after she leaves most of the time. It sucks to see her go.
See its not just the responsibilities you get when you're not the other man in the relationship. Look, I live by myself. I do all my own shit. Nobody cleans up after me, nobody cooks for me, I do the shopping, pay all the bills. So that whole thing is bullshit. The responsibilities are even better!
OK so being the other man, here's the things you're missing:
1. Responsibility: I want responsibility, I want to be responsible for bills, cleaning and etc. But the main thing I want is responsibility for her, and her well being. When shes sick, I don't get to rush over and care for her, treat her how I think she should be treated. I get to say awwww through a text message, and tell her how I wish I could do something. I also want the teamwork. Teamwork's awesome. I'll cook while you're on your way home, you pick up a movie and wine! Yay!
2. Birthdays, and Holidays: Yeah, if you care about the woman you're with, and even worse, love. This is gonna suck. HARD. Forget about it, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines Day,New Years Eve, her birthday. Nope not yours, you both can wish as much as you want but she's gonna be off with her husband, and you're gonna be there with your heart in your hand. You can do what you can to try to share the holidays, but its never the same as actually being there. December 20th isnt christmas guys!
3. Friends and family: You may get to meet them, but they'll never know who you are, and most certainly that means when you're around them you're gonna have to be on your best behavior. No kissing, touching, hugging or the such.
4. Time: God this one sucks. You don't have time. You get X amount and that's it. If shes supposed to be home at 7 and all you want to do is walk and get ice cream, or make love, or just have a little longer, no dice. No overnight trips, no sleeping together in the same bed, no road trips, no vacations. Nada. After hanging out all day, out and about, wanna lay down together and watch a movie and fall asleep? Nope.
5. Gifts: You cant just buy them anything that you want to. I wanted to buy K a hockey jersey for her birthday but I couldn't, I was nervous about the clothing item I did buy for her. I try to think to myself that I can buy her anything that she would buy for herself, or has an interest in where shed buy something for.
6. Sex: The woman you're with is going to have sex with someone else. You get to know about it, the husband does not. This one wrecks me from time to time. I tend to do the super healthy thing and ostrich my head in the sand, but there have been times when I've nearly launched shit across the room because I let the idea linger in my mind a bit too long.
7: The future: I like to do things, I'm really not happy sitting around doing nothing. I also like knowing whats going on in the immediate future. So if I have a Saturday free, I like to be able to discuss it with the woman I'm with. I'm not saying anything has to be set in stone, but its nice to talk about. This includes everything: vacations, road trips, friends birthdays, bbq's, planning for a family, a move, a new house or apartment. I rarely get to plan anything out too far in the future with K. We've talked about it more recently and I've been extremely happy about it.
8. Certainties: I like security. At the moment I am really not secured. I like knowing that I'm going to see a person that day, and even if that day isn't the best day, that they're gonna be there the next. K and I have our love that ties us. But I'm usually not certain when I'll see her again. This has been a lot better for me lately. But in all honesty, I wont be able to breath a sigh of relief until we are actually together.
9: Communication: This one is huge too. There are times I'd want to call K on the phone and talk to her, knowing that she's going to pick up. There are times when I'd like her to see my texts as soon as I send them. Its a lot of waiting, and a lot of knowing they just aren't available to you right at that moment. I think about often what would happen if there was an emergency, or if someone close to me was hurt or killed and it was at night. I'd be heartbroken, because the one person I'd want to talk to isn't available. I know she'd be heartbroken too.
10: No common areas or items: We cant really shop for things for "us". We don't share a space, or an apartment, or a home. It also bothers me when I see her buying things for their home. Guh. Luckily she really hasn't done this too much when I'm with her. She bought her husband pants once and I nearly lost my shit.
11: Personal Details: I get jealous of the things that her husband gets to do with her that I do not. New Years Eve, going out to dinner, hanging out with her friends, holidays, birthdays, vacations. I also have the feeling a bunch of the things I do that I wish she were there. Walking around, hanging with friends, bbq's, shows.
So theres most of it, most of the things I'm jealous about. Things that keep me up some nights, some that make me angry as well. I think I do a good job of keeping my jealousy in check but it gets hard. But these are the rules I have to live by until the day comes when we are together. Until then, fuck you, to anyone who thinks this is easy.
So day after day, all day we'd text. I think we were both pretty lonely at that point and in need of a connection. We shared mutual days off, so we found things to do together. Mostly shopping, but some wandering around town too.
So before any of this started we already knew we really enjoyed hanging out together, talking all day, and each others personalities. And that's kind of the point. For me, if she was single, we would have just been dating at that point. There was no point in this relationship where it was just sex with me.
I tried to convince myself otherwise because of the fact that she was married. The sex was and still is amazing, so that helps, but I've always enjoyed her. Which is why I'm jealous.
A lot of men will tell you that having an affair with a married lady is great. The whole, "Why are you complaining, you're getting all the fun and all the sex, with none of the responsibilities", While that may be true for some guys, its just not for me. I care about her. I stick around after the sex, I talk to her. I text her right after she leaves most of the time. It sucks to see her go.
See its not just the responsibilities you get when you're not the other man in the relationship. Look, I live by myself. I do all my own shit. Nobody cleans up after me, nobody cooks for me, I do the shopping, pay all the bills. So that whole thing is bullshit. The responsibilities are even better!
OK so being the other man, here's the things you're missing:
1. Responsibility: I want responsibility, I want to be responsible for bills, cleaning and etc. But the main thing I want is responsibility for her, and her well being. When shes sick, I don't get to rush over and care for her, treat her how I think she should be treated. I get to say awwww through a text message, and tell her how I wish I could do something. I also want the teamwork. Teamwork's awesome. I'll cook while you're on your way home, you pick up a movie and wine! Yay!
2. Birthdays, and Holidays: Yeah, if you care about the woman you're with, and even worse, love. This is gonna suck. HARD. Forget about it, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines Day,New Years Eve, her birthday. Nope not yours, you both can wish as much as you want but she's gonna be off with her husband, and you're gonna be there with your heart in your hand. You can do what you can to try to share the holidays, but its never the same as actually being there. December 20th isnt christmas guys!
3. Friends and family: You may get to meet them, but they'll never know who you are, and most certainly that means when you're around them you're gonna have to be on your best behavior. No kissing, touching, hugging or the such.
4. Time: God this one sucks. You don't have time. You get X amount and that's it. If shes supposed to be home at 7 and all you want to do is walk and get ice cream, or make love, or just have a little longer, no dice. No overnight trips, no sleeping together in the same bed, no road trips, no vacations. Nada. After hanging out all day, out and about, wanna lay down together and watch a movie and fall asleep? Nope.
5. Gifts: You cant just buy them anything that you want to. I wanted to buy K a hockey jersey for her birthday but I couldn't, I was nervous about the clothing item I did buy for her. I try to think to myself that I can buy her anything that she would buy for herself, or has an interest in where shed buy something for.
6. Sex: The woman you're with is going to have sex with someone else. You get to know about it, the husband does not. This one wrecks me from time to time. I tend to do the super healthy thing and ostrich my head in the sand, but there have been times when I've nearly launched shit across the room because I let the idea linger in my mind a bit too long.
7: The future: I like to do things, I'm really not happy sitting around doing nothing. I also like knowing whats going on in the immediate future. So if I have a Saturday free, I like to be able to discuss it with the woman I'm with. I'm not saying anything has to be set in stone, but its nice to talk about. This includes everything: vacations, road trips, friends birthdays, bbq's, planning for a family, a move, a new house or apartment. I rarely get to plan anything out too far in the future with K. We've talked about it more recently and I've been extremely happy about it.
8. Certainties: I like security. At the moment I am really not secured. I like knowing that I'm going to see a person that day, and even if that day isn't the best day, that they're gonna be there the next. K and I have our love that ties us. But I'm usually not certain when I'll see her again. This has been a lot better for me lately. But in all honesty, I wont be able to breath a sigh of relief until we are actually together.
9: Communication: This one is huge too. There are times I'd want to call K on the phone and talk to her, knowing that she's going to pick up. There are times when I'd like her to see my texts as soon as I send them. Its a lot of waiting, and a lot of knowing they just aren't available to you right at that moment. I think about often what would happen if there was an emergency, or if someone close to me was hurt or killed and it was at night. I'd be heartbroken, because the one person I'd want to talk to isn't available. I know she'd be heartbroken too.
10: No common areas or items: We cant really shop for things for "us". We don't share a space, or an apartment, or a home. It also bothers me when I see her buying things for their home. Guh. Luckily she really hasn't done this too much when I'm with her. She bought her husband pants once and I nearly lost my shit.
11: Personal Details: I get jealous of the things that her husband gets to do with her that I do not. New Years Eve, going out to dinner, hanging out with her friends, holidays, birthdays, vacations. I also have the feeling a bunch of the things I do that I wish she were there. Walking around, hanging with friends, bbq's, shows.
So theres most of it, most of the things I'm jealous about. Things that keep me up some nights, some that make me angry as well. I think I do a good job of keeping my jealousy in check but it gets hard. But these are the rules I have to live by until the day comes when we are together. Until then, fuck you, to anyone who thinks this is easy.
cake
i just need to post this really quick.
i got a really good performance review at work. so D says, i should print out your review, put a gold star on it and hang it on the fridge. i said, i get dessert with dinner tonight! and then he said that he could bake me a cake.
so right now, he's buying the stuff to make me a cake. because i got an A at work.
seriously. could he BE any more awesome?
ps. no boy in my past ever has baked me anything before. ever.
i got a really good performance review at work. so D says, i should print out your review, put a gold star on it and hang it on the fridge. i said, i get dessert with dinner tonight! and then he said that he could bake me a cake.
so right now, he's buying the stuff to make me a cake. because i got an A at work.
seriously. could he BE any more awesome?
ps. no boy in my past ever has baked me anything before. ever.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Wednesday's
I want to write a little something about Wednesdays. We're still kind of new at the idea, and so far its been great. I told her one day that I was going to take the train out and meet her after work on Wednesday. I was just happy to go see her, to be taking the train. To be listening to good music, all the while having a destination. Its so good to have a destination again.
So I take the long way. I wake up on Wednesday, and drink coffee, eat breakfast and talk to her while she's at work. I take a shower and shave (she loves me clean shaven), and I get dressed. All the while I'm thinking and counting down the moments until I get to see her. The first time, she forgot I was even coming out, and I knew I wasn't going to say anything until the fact that I was going to see her. It kind of happened on accident the whole thing. The reason why I love it so much? It takes the responsibility away from her. She doesn't have to drive anywhere to come see me. I like the idea of being able to take things off of her plate. Plus, I get to see her sooner than if I had to wait for her to drive all the way to my house.
So I walk out the door and walk to the train. I could just take a bus and meet the Metra train as it was on its way out to her work, but I enjoy the journey. I strap on my headphones and hop on the El downtown. I walk amongst the people in their busy days carrying something with me that I know they don't have. I'm going to see the woman I love. So I walk through them, pass through them as if they were ghosts and I get to Union Station. I take the escalator down, and see all of the people, all of the great architecture of when union station used to be a huge hub of people travelling everywhere before airlines became affordable. But theres something romantic about the train station, people heading to and fro, maybe there are others waiting in anticipation of their train to leave to see the women that they love. Maybe there are people running away, I try to think of everyone there as having some greater purpose than just the daily commute. I buy my ticket from a booth. I jump on the train and sit in the same seat, even if its only been two times now, it will be my seat every week for the foreseeable future. I am a creature of habit sometimes. I sit in the 13th train car, train to the left, last seat on the left. I'm the guy in the white headphones with a smile on my face. The train conductor punches my ticket as I gaze out the windows at all the wonderment left in the world.
I arrive to my destination and get off the train, one week she wasn't there, this week she was. It was nice to have her waiting for me, with the same anticipation I had as I had to be arriving. But waiting for her, and seeing her face as she walked through the doors at work was nice as well.
The first week we shopped for her running shoes at Dicks, this past week was nicer, we explored, we went places the other hadn't been before, we discovered, explored, and shared. She opens up to me now as she hasnt it the past. She used to tell me that she didnt want to tell me things about her life. Lately she tells me stories, she shares hopes and dreams. I ask her questions, trying to soak up as much as I can. She asks things about me, where I've been to before, where I'd like to go.
Its exactly what I've wanted these last couple Wednesdays to be, and what I hope every Wednesday for the foreseeable future will be. A chance to discover, a chance to be together, a chance to share. I don't want things to be what they've been at times between us. A pop over to my place for a quick romp, a little talking. I wanted us to be together out in the world. Now don't get me wrong, I hope every Wednesday ends in us making love at some point. But being with her, seeing her, exploring with her, that's really amazing.
Til next Wednesday!
So I take the long way. I wake up on Wednesday, and drink coffee, eat breakfast and talk to her while she's at work. I take a shower and shave (she loves me clean shaven), and I get dressed. All the while I'm thinking and counting down the moments until I get to see her. The first time, she forgot I was even coming out, and I knew I wasn't going to say anything until the fact that I was going to see her. It kind of happened on accident the whole thing. The reason why I love it so much? It takes the responsibility away from her. She doesn't have to drive anywhere to come see me. I like the idea of being able to take things off of her plate. Plus, I get to see her sooner than if I had to wait for her to drive all the way to my house.
So I walk out the door and walk to the train. I could just take a bus and meet the Metra train as it was on its way out to her work, but I enjoy the journey. I strap on my headphones and hop on the El downtown. I walk amongst the people in their busy days carrying something with me that I know they don't have. I'm going to see the woman I love. So I walk through them, pass through them as if they were ghosts and I get to Union Station. I take the escalator down, and see all of the people, all of the great architecture of when union station used to be a huge hub of people travelling everywhere before airlines became affordable. But theres something romantic about the train station, people heading to and fro, maybe there are others waiting in anticipation of their train to leave to see the women that they love. Maybe there are people running away, I try to think of everyone there as having some greater purpose than just the daily commute. I buy my ticket from a booth. I jump on the train and sit in the same seat, even if its only been two times now, it will be my seat every week for the foreseeable future. I am a creature of habit sometimes. I sit in the 13th train car, train to the left, last seat on the left. I'm the guy in the white headphones with a smile on my face. The train conductor punches my ticket as I gaze out the windows at all the wonderment left in the world.
I arrive to my destination and get off the train, one week she wasn't there, this week she was. It was nice to have her waiting for me, with the same anticipation I had as I had to be arriving. But waiting for her, and seeing her face as she walked through the doors at work was nice as well.
The first week we shopped for her running shoes at Dicks, this past week was nicer, we explored, we went places the other hadn't been before, we discovered, explored, and shared. She opens up to me now as she hasnt it the past. She used to tell me that she didnt want to tell me things about her life. Lately she tells me stories, she shares hopes and dreams. I ask her questions, trying to soak up as much as I can. She asks things about me, where I've been to before, where I'd like to go.
Its exactly what I've wanted these last couple Wednesdays to be, and what I hope every Wednesday for the foreseeable future will be. A chance to discover, a chance to be together, a chance to share. I don't want things to be what they've been at times between us. A pop over to my place for a quick romp, a little talking. I wanted us to be together out in the world. Now don't get me wrong, I hope every Wednesday ends in us making love at some point. But being with her, seeing her, exploring with her, that's really amazing.
Til next Wednesday!
Something has changed.
Its not been all peaches and cream.
K feels guilty a lot of the time. Its a guilt that I can understand, and its part of the person that she is. I wouldn't love her as much as I do if she didn't. But it hurts to watch, it hurts to know that you have a certain hand in why this woman feels like shit. You still want to see her, you still want to be with her. Theres nothing you can do, and it makes you feel so helpless.
K and her husband went on a vacation down to Florida a few weeks back. We were going through a point where she was trying to distance herself from me again. I can understand why she does it, but it doesn't make it feel any better. Feb 22nd, not a good day to begin with, came and I had gone to the lake to meet up with her. That didn't happen. She wasn't talking to me. I knew when she was leaving on vacation, I knew her agenda. I already hated the whole vacation thing because all it does is remind me of how I felt when she went to Seattle.
I told her I had bought her some peas, in a text message. K's an avid gardener, she loves being outside as much as I do. She had mentioned to me earlier in the week about starting her garden again, and how she was excited to try her hand again at peas. So I'm at target, I see the gardening section, and what do I do? Damn straight I buy that woman some peas, and daisies, well because those are my favorites. So she sends me an email that just reads: Peas? Then i explain to her that I bought them before she decided to distance herself from me. That these indeed aren't, please don't leave peas. They're I was thinking of you peas. Theres a huge difference people! So, I don't hear anything back. I hate not hearing from her. Its extremely hard not to have a line of communication with a person you're in love with. Its a lot of looking down at your phone and constantly refreshing your email. Little do I know she's thinking of me on vacation as much as I'm thinking of her.
So here we are, a couple days from her birthday and all I can think about is how I'm not going to see her, and how I probably wont even get a chance to talk to her. So I write. I write whatever I was feeling down on paper for her. I wrote one as a drunk sloppy mess, and another the next day. I didn't read the drunk one back to myself, I didn't want to end up tearing it up if I didn't like what it said. I wanted my raw emotions out there for her. After midnight I sent her a happy birthday text. The next day I walked to the library and put those letters in a book. I snapped a pic of the book spine so I knew she could find it. I sent it to her with the wrong library name, but she found it. I knew she would. As much as she loves me, she loves a good adventure.
She texted me to tell me that I indeed fucked up, and sent the wrong library, but that she did find my letters. We texted back and forth a little, and I was so very happy, and relieved to have talked to her.
We chatted some more the next few days, and I asked to see her a few times. She hinted at seeing me, and then backed off. That Saturday she was out meandering and she sent a text to tell me that traffic sucked. I took that opportunity that I knew she was out and probably by herself to call her. As the phone rang I kept saying pick up, pick up, pick up. She did, we chatted back and forth and after some resisting on her part and insisting on mine, we agreed to go get food. We ended up spending the better part of the day together, and it was great. What amazes me sometimes is that theres no hesitation in when we're together. It was if no time had passed. Just walking. and talking. Kissing, hugging, sharing, and a snowball in the ass.
The next day she came into work, reluctantly again. It was my friends last day. We talked, and sat together in the cafe. We ended up kissing and touching each other and it turned a little sexual at the end. I walked her to her car and kissed. She said we'd see each other soon. But we didn't.
Things went back to being distant, she gets back to not texting as much, when she does its kinda cold and not as giving as it is when things are going well between us. This goes on a week or so, until one day she tells me shes at home, and I'm off that day. I told her I wished she were in bed with me. She said she would if she had the energy. But I'm just at that point, I need to see her. I had already planned on trying to catch up with her outside her work, the next day. I immediately thought to myself about going to her house and ringing her bell to see me.
This is where my brain starts racing, she could feel offended, she could slam the door in my face, she could tell me no and yell at me. Or she could come down, see its me, and give me a big hug. So I went, and I did something that I've never done before. I went to her house. I rang the bell and after a little misunderstanding, she came down. We hugged for almost a good two minutes straight, I was relieved to have her in my arms again, and I can tell she didn't want to let go. I think at that moment I was just what she needed, and it made me feel amazing. At that moment I felt like something had changed.
We went back to my place and listened to a great album on vinyl and made love. I've never in my life have made love to a woman before, I thought I had, but with K its something entirely unlike anything I've ever experienced. Its truly talking and expressing with your body, its one of the most beautiful and connecting experiences I've ever had. We laid there together for hours, and the album just kept repeating, but neither of us cared. We wound up going out to dinner at the golden nugget.
The next day I took the train out to see her in the bitter cold, I jumped a fence, we shopped for shoes. On Sunday, we spent the day together. We made love, ate breakfast, went antique shopping and ended up having sex in the bathroom, we just couldn't contain ourselves and our emotions. We had sex when she dropped me off too. Every time just as great as the time before. Theres an insane amount of passion between the two of us. Theres an instant connection when the two of us are together.
She came by and saw me on Monday, she started this blog, she came and saw me on lunch on Tuesday. On Wednesday she cancelled her personal training session and we spent the day after she got off work together, we talked about a future together. I can feel things are different. But on a normal basis I wouldn't have asked why. I would have been too afraid of jinxing things. I love the way she is around me now. I love discussing a future with her. I don't want to stop doing it ever. So I don't rock the boat sometimes. I know the why now. I love that I know, I'm not someone who's good left in the dark.
I know we both have this feeling inside of us that we aren't getting any younger, there are things that we both want to do that have a certain time limit on. We both want a family. We both want to travel and explore. We both want to live a life, that neither of us are living at the moment. She said something to me that will keep me smiling for a long time. She told me that I want to have children, but before that happens I want to travel, I want to experience you first. It filled me with such happiness.
I asked her why today, she posted part of the why today as well. I'm glad we have this blog. I'm learning more about her than I already had, and I couldn't be happier at the moment.
K feels guilty a lot of the time. Its a guilt that I can understand, and its part of the person that she is. I wouldn't love her as much as I do if she didn't. But it hurts to watch, it hurts to know that you have a certain hand in why this woman feels like shit. You still want to see her, you still want to be with her. Theres nothing you can do, and it makes you feel so helpless.
K and her husband went on a vacation down to Florida a few weeks back. We were going through a point where she was trying to distance herself from me again. I can understand why she does it, but it doesn't make it feel any better. Feb 22nd, not a good day to begin with, came and I had gone to the lake to meet up with her. That didn't happen. She wasn't talking to me. I knew when she was leaving on vacation, I knew her agenda. I already hated the whole vacation thing because all it does is remind me of how I felt when she went to Seattle.
I told her I had bought her some peas, in a text message. K's an avid gardener, she loves being outside as much as I do. She had mentioned to me earlier in the week about starting her garden again, and how she was excited to try her hand again at peas. So I'm at target, I see the gardening section, and what do I do? Damn straight I buy that woman some peas, and daisies, well because those are my favorites. So she sends me an email that just reads: Peas? Then i explain to her that I bought them before she decided to distance herself from me. That these indeed aren't, please don't leave peas. They're I was thinking of you peas. Theres a huge difference people! So, I don't hear anything back. I hate not hearing from her. Its extremely hard not to have a line of communication with a person you're in love with. Its a lot of looking down at your phone and constantly refreshing your email. Little do I know she's thinking of me on vacation as much as I'm thinking of her.
So here we are, a couple days from her birthday and all I can think about is how I'm not going to see her, and how I probably wont even get a chance to talk to her. So I write. I write whatever I was feeling down on paper for her. I wrote one as a drunk sloppy mess, and another the next day. I didn't read the drunk one back to myself, I didn't want to end up tearing it up if I didn't like what it said. I wanted my raw emotions out there for her. After midnight I sent her a happy birthday text. The next day I walked to the library and put those letters in a book. I snapped a pic of the book spine so I knew she could find it. I sent it to her with the wrong library name, but she found it. I knew she would. As much as she loves me, she loves a good adventure.
She texted me to tell me that I indeed fucked up, and sent the wrong library, but that she did find my letters. We texted back and forth a little, and I was so very happy, and relieved to have talked to her.
We chatted some more the next few days, and I asked to see her a few times. She hinted at seeing me, and then backed off. That Saturday she was out meandering and she sent a text to tell me that traffic sucked. I took that opportunity that I knew she was out and probably by herself to call her. As the phone rang I kept saying pick up, pick up, pick up. She did, we chatted back and forth and after some resisting on her part and insisting on mine, we agreed to go get food. We ended up spending the better part of the day together, and it was great. What amazes me sometimes is that theres no hesitation in when we're together. It was if no time had passed. Just walking. and talking. Kissing, hugging, sharing, and a snowball in the ass.
The next day she came into work, reluctantly again. It was my friends last day. We talked, and sat together in the cafe. We ended up kissing and touching each other and it turned a little sexual at the end. I walked her to her car and kissed. She said we'd see each other soon. But we didn't.
Things went back to being distant, she gets back to not texting as much, when she does its kinda cold and not as giving as it is when things are going well between us. This goes on a week or so, until one day she tells me shes at home, and I'm off that day. I told her I wished she were in bed with me. She said she would if she had the energy. But I'm just at that point, I need to see her. I had already planned on trying to catch up with her outside her work, the next day. I immediately thought to myself about going to her house and ringing her bell to see me.
This is where my brain starts racing, she could feel offended, she could slam the door in my face, she could tell me no and yell at me. Or she could come down, see its me, and give me a big hug. So I went, and I did something that I've never done before. I went to her house. I rang the bell and after a little misunderstanding, she came down. We hugged for almost a good two minutes straight, I was relieved to have her in my arms again, and I can tell she didn't want to let go. I think at that moment I was just what she needed, and it made me feel amazing. At that moment I felt like something had changed.
We went back to my place and listened to a great album on vinyl and made love. I've never in my life have made love to a woman before, I thought I had, but with K its something entirely unlike anything I've ever experienced. Its truly talking and expressing with your body, its one of the most beautiful and connecting experiences I've ever had. We laid there together for hours, and the album just kept repeating, but neither of us cared. We wound up going out to dinner at the golden nugget.
The next day I took the train out to see her in the bitter cold, I jumped a fence, we shopped for shoes. On Sunday, we spent the day together. We made love, ate breakfast, went antique shopping and ended up having sex in the bathroom, we just couldn't contain ourselves and our emotions. We had sex when she dropped me off too. Every time just as great as the time before. Theres an insane amount of passion between the two of us. Theres an instant connection when the two of us are together.
She came by and saw me on Monday, she started this blog, she came and saw me on lunch on Tuesday. On Wednesday she cancelled her personal training session and we spent the day after she got off work together, we talked about a future together. I can feel things are different. But on a normal basis I wouldn't have asked why. I would have been too afraid of jinxing things. I love the way she is around me now. I love discussing a future with her. I don't want to stop doing it ever. So I don't rock the boat sometimes. I know the why now. I love that I know, I'm not someone who's good left in the dark.
I know we both have this feeling inside of us that we aren't getting any younger, there are things that we both want to do that have a certain time limit on. We both want a family. We both want to travel and explore. We both want to live a life, that neither of us are living at the moment. She said something to me that will keep me smiling for a long time. She told me that I want to have children, but before that happens I want to travel, I want to experience you first. It filled me with such happiness.
I asked her why today, she posted part of the why today as well. I'm glad we have this blog. I'm learning more about her than I already had, and I couldn't be happier at the moment.
isolating
not only is having a husband who really doesn't care all that much lonely, having an affair can be very isolating.
not one of my friends knows about this. NOT. ONE.
i didn't tell any of my friends for several reasons.
1) they like my husband
2) i don't want them to feel badly for him when we're all out together
3) i don't want to be judged.
4) i don't want people constantly asking about it.
5) i don't want pressure to make a decision based on my friends' opinion.
sure there are some friends i could tell, but it's a slippery slope. i mean, it's been a year and a half and this is the first public mention of it by me. some of D's friends know, but that's a bit different. he doesn't have a wife to shield or people who might open their big mouths and say something.
but here's how the isolation works. case in point: i had a dinner date with an old friend i had lost touch with. just a few years ago, i found him on FB. he was always fun to hang out with, so we planned to catch up over drinks and/or dinner.
i was looking forward to this until i imagined how talk of my marriage would go. this guy, E, is someone i can see opening up to about the affair. he was a player in his day, he's down to earth, he would totally see my side. but then it becomes the focal point of the conversation. it's hard to go from, "hey, i'm sleeping with another man" to "wow, this wine is really good. how are your kids?"
i know i'm just reading into it too much. but i think about D so much it's almost hard to carry on a normal life. plus, even if i wasn't screwing around, what the hell am i going to say? "hey, my life sucks because it's never going to change, my job sucks, i've hit the cardboard ceiling?"
i cancelled the dinner. i have been doing this a lot lately. i was supposed to go to a seminar with a really good friend: cancelled. i almost cancelled dinner with friends (and the husband) a few weekends ago. i almost backed out of going to a party with friends last week. i just don't want to do anything. it's just such a hassle. but when you really get down to it, it's not. it's not like i have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. sometimes it's actually nice to get away from reality. but... i don't know. i hate appointments. HATE!
reading this now i should just text E back and say i'll go. but now i have some free time away from home until 8 or so. but then, what would i do? sit around in my own head and agonize over the state of my life? ooooo sounds fun. maybe i'm just depressed because of the weather these days. maybe i am just paralyzed by how unstable my life is. i am just so tired all the time. all the time. i don't want to get up. i don't want to go to work. i go home, i want to go to bed. i just don't care anymore.
damn, i should have gone out with E. it would have taken my mind off this shit for a while.
not one of my friends knows about this. NOT. ONE.
i didn't tell any of my friends for several reasons.
1) they like my husband
2) i don't want them to feel badly for him when we're all out together
3) i don't want to be judged.
4) i don't want people constantly asking about it.
5) i don't want pressure to make a decision based on my friends' opinion.
sure there are some friends i could tell, but it's a slippery slope. i mean, it's been a year and a half and this is the first public mention of it by me. some of D's friends know, but that's a bit different. he doesn't have a wife to shield or people who might open their big mouths and say something.
but here's how the isolation works. case in point: i had a dinner date with an old friend i had lost touch with. just a few years ago, i found him on FB. he was always fun to hang out with, so we planned to catch up over drinks and/or dinner.
i was looking forward to this until i imagined how talk of my marriage would go. this guy, E, is someone i can see opening up to about the affair. he was a player in his day, he's down to earth, he would totally see my side. but then it becomes the focal point of the conversation. it's hard to go from, "hey, i'm sleeping with another man" to "wow, this wine is really good. how are your kids?"
i know i'm just reading into it too much. but i think about D so much it's almost hard to carry on a normal life. plus, even if i wasn't screwing around, what the hell am i going to say? "hey, my life sucks because it's never going to change, my job sucks, i've hit the cardboard ceiling?"
i cancelled the dinner. i have been doing this a lot lately. i was supposed to go to a seminar with a really good friend: cancelled. i almost cancelled dinner with friends (and the husband) a few weekends ago. i almost backed out of going to a party with friends last week. i just don't want to do anything. it's just such a hassle. but when you really get down to it, it's not. it's not like i have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. sometimes it's actually nice to get away from reality. but... i don't know. i hate appointments. HATE!
reading this now i should just text E back and say i'll go. but now i have some free time away from home until 8 or so. but then, what would i do? sit around in my own head and agonize over the state of my life? ooooo sounds fun. maybe i'm just depressed because of the weather these days. maybe i am just paralyzed by how unstable my life is. i am just so tired all the time. all the time. i don't want to get up. i don't want to go to work. i go home, i want to go to bed. i just don't care anymore.
damn, i should have gone out with E. it would have taken my mind off this shit for a while.
obessed
at some point in the past two weeks, a switch flipped from holding back and making excuses to just saying "fuck it" and doing what i want. but now i find that i think about everything all the time. the past, the present, the future. his face, what he's doing now, what H is doing, what i should be doing, what i am going to do when i go home, will i go home or will i meet up with D, do i have to go shopping, are there any errands i have to run, should i work out, did D text me, did H email me, have i finished up my work projects.
it's fucking maddening.
look, i'd rather be over-stimulated than under-stimulated. i hate hate hate being bored. but i also have a hard time 1) slowing down, 2) taking time for myself, 3) relaxing.
for the last two weeks, i have just been stressed beyond belief. do i leave H, when, where would i go, how will he react, should i get an apartment, where should i get an apartment, should i move in with my sibling, i know i shouldn't stay with D, how much can i afford, what if i lose my job, if we get divorced what will happen, how will i tell my friends, how will they react, what the fuck am i really doing?
i have this tight feeling in my chest that just won't go away. booze, working out, xanax, nothing touches it. my heart has been pounding in my chest for the most part, like it's right on the edge of a panic attack. all i want, seriously, is my own space. my own place where, when i come home, it's quiet. no tv on, no one else, just me and whatever i want to do. if i want to listen to my shitty music, i can do that. if i want to watch Titanic on Blu-ray, i can do that. if i want to make tuna salad for dinner, i can do that. if i want to curl up in my overstuffed chair and stare out the window, i can do that. i miss those days when i lived alone. my own space.
also, not knowing the future is taking its toll on me. when H and i were talking about house hunting a while back, it was nice to not have to hold back because he was my husband and we were in this for the long haul. but now... i just don't know. i don't want to plan vacations with him, i don't want to buy a house with him, i don't want to make any more commitments with him. not that i really have to worry about it with how lazy he is. but at some point, it all changed.
maybe it's just sunk in how unhappy i am. and now it's getting really hard to deal with.
it's fucking maddening.
look, i'd rather be over-stimulated than under-stimulated. i hate hate hate being bored. but i also have a hard time 1) slowing down, 2) taking time for myself, 3) relaxing.
for the last two weeks, i have just been stressed beyond belief. do i leave H, when, where would i go, how will he react, should i get an apartment, where should i get an apartment, should i move in with my sibling, i know i shouldn't stay with D, how much can i afford, what if i lose my job, if we get divorced what will happen, how will i tell my friends, how will they react, what the fuck am i really doing?
i have this tight feeling in my chest that just won't go away. booze, working out, xanax, nothing touches it. my heart has been pounding in my chest for the most part, like it's right on the edge of a panic attack. all i want, seriously, is my own space. my own place where, when i come home, it's quiet. no tv on, no one else, just me and whatever i want to do. if i want to listen to my shitty music, i can do that. if i want to watch Titanic on Blu-ray, i can do that. if i want to make tuna salad for dinner, i can do that. if i want to curl up in my overstuffed chair and stare out the window, i can do that. i miss those days when i lived alone. my own space.
also, not knowing the future is taking its toll on me. when H and i were talking about house hunting a while back, it was nice to not have to hold back because he was my husband and we were in this for the long haul. but now... i just don't know. i don't want to plan vacations with him, i don't want to buy a house with him, i don't want to make any more commitments with him. not that i really have to worry about it with how lazy he is. but at some point, it all changed.
maybe it's just sunk in how unhappy i am. and now it's getting really hard to deal with.
Falling in love
It took me awhile to truly realize my feelings for K. That's not to say that the feelings weren't there, they were, they always have been. It just took me awhile to sort through this haze that I was in at the time.
I loved my ex very much, we had a great relationship while we were together, but I knew then what I know now is that she came from a broken home. She was abused by her father, and she is scared to death of happiness. The thought of getting married for her means that eventually she turns into her mother and father, so she did what I knew she would eventually do. She ran. She ran because she could see where the relationship was heading. I tried to keep things together, that's what I do. But in the end, human nature won out and she left.
I was heartbroken, disappointed in myself, wondering if there were things I could have done differently to change what had happened. But as there are some of us that run away from relationships, who take them for granted, that put up that great front at the beginning, there are those of us who cant stop caring.
I thought about K after she left last night. We had a great day together. She showed me the place at the lake that she goes to to feel at peace, we had tea, we smelled old books, we walked down the street hand in hand and kissed on the corners. We had dinner, we discussed our future, and we hurried home to make love.
After she left I thought about the people that we are. It never occurred to me in the past that what I needed in life wasn't someone opposite me. But someone exactly like me. K, is a giver. She cares, she likes to dote on you, she likes seeing how happy the things she does makes you, and it means something to her that she was able to do it. How do I know these things? Because I'm exactly the same way. In past relationships, with people that weren't like me, those types of things would annoy that person. I never quite got how they would. Who doesn't enjoy attention? Who wouldn't like dinner made for them, or a flower as you got off the train. Who wouldn't love that they thought of you and bought you tshirts that had things on them that were special to you, things that you only brought up once. I mentioned once maybe a month prior, something about the Chicago Whales, how I really liked the logo. A month later, here comes K with a Chicago Whales tshirt for me. God, I love her. Its my favorite tshirt. I look forward to wearing the damn thing, and sad after I do. But I digress...
Here I was all broken hearted, and at that time K and I were enjoying a good friendship. I really love her as a person, and that means a lot to me. Even if none of this ever happened, if my ex hadn't become my ex. We'd still be talking. Shes a good person, and a great friend. So as K and I talked, and our talks became more flirty, I enjoyed her attention. It was one of the first things I noticed. I noticed how she looked at me when we were out one day taking pictures of the lakefront, wind gusting everywhere, a little bottle cap took this amazing journey on its own. We made excuses to hang out, we went shopping together, we never stopped talking. I looked forward to seeing her, to texting her about my day. These things went on for a month or two, we grew closer to each other. I confided in her things I wouldn't tell anyone, about myself, about my relationship. She put me at ease even then.
Sometime in late November early December, we started flirting. I know we flirted before, but this was purposeful flirting, the innuendos go from abstract jokes, to personal references. From, "that's what she said", to "I had a dream about you last night". I remember the first time we let ourselves go. God I was so nervous, she was on the train coming from her job downtown, and I was at work. She always looked amazing when she went to work. I know I commented on it before to her. Shes beautiful whenever I see her, but god damn, when she wants to push that amp to 11, she most certainly can. So, we're texting and she's telling me how horny she is, and I told her that if she stops in tonight, I most certainly am gonna attack her. She did, and like a famished animal I did. We went at it in the back room for awhile. God there was so much passion and emotion between the two of us.
Things carried on that way for awhile. We kissed, we flirted, we had amazing sex. I told myself that was it. If it ended it ended, she could walk away, and so could I. I cant fall in love with this woman, shes not available to me. But then she got pregnant. She went away on vacation with her husband, and I felt something stir inside of me. Something that I knew was trouble. Jealousy. I was jealous of a life that someone else had, that I wanted.
I tried to fight the feelings I had while she was away, tried to carry that momentum of not talking on, tried to stick her in the friend box, and leave her there. Friends with benefits. Extremely good benefits. I made new friends, hung out and talked to them more, it was baseball season so i had a cubs game most of my days off, I could do this.
I couldn't. I found myself wanting to talk to her, wanting to share with her. I sent her pictures of the places I was, I would tell her where I was most all of the time, or she'd ask where I was or who I was with. I still had that feeling inside of me every time I got that first glimpse of her. The one that still makes me giddy. I had it yesterday as I got off the train and saw her sitting in her car waiting for me. I think i might have even bounded in my steps. I was falling in love with her, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. The heart wants what the heart wants. We still took little trips together, we went to a cubs game, she got jealous of my other doings, and I of hers. I tried to tell her I loved her, numerous times. In texts, in conversation. Its hard to say I love you to a person and not know if you're going to get it back. It happened yesterday to me, it still kind of hurts, but you try to understand where they are coming from.....its just words right? I know she's in love with me today. So when it doesn't happen now, I try to remember that. But then? I had no idea. Plus I was still trying to hold onto the hope that I wasn't.
That all changed for me in a matter of a few days around my birthday. It was just bubbling inside of me, so I wrote her this long email telling her that I loved her. Thinking about this now, I wish I would have just grabbed her and said it. But it was complicated. I have no problems telling her now, she might wish sometimes I'd shut up about it, but then, it was a struggle for me to admit. So I wrote the email, but I didn't send it. I didn't want the whole I love you thing to cloud what was gonna be a good couple days for me. So I held onto it, I told her I wouldn't send it to her until after my birthday. She knew though. She can read me like a book.
What cemented things for me, and for how I really felt about her was the night before my birthday. She was going to a concert by herself, and I found out a customer of ours was going as well. I wasn't going so I told the customer that K was going as well. I'm a very protective person. I didn't really like the fact that K was going to this concert by herself. Now let me explain something. Could she go by herself? Yes. Would she have a good time even if she was by herself? Yes. Is that gonna stop me from wanting her to have an even better time around people of the same ilk if I could help it? NO! So I set this whole thing up where K would have someone to meet with, to kind of hang with at the concert. The day of the concert I saw the customer, and we shared a smoke. I told her, "now listen, I'm not going to be there, so I'm putting you in charge of making sure that K has a good time." Listening to the words as they came out of my mouth made me realize that I was being protective of her, and even if she didn't need me to be, I enjoyed doing it. I didn't think about what was happening inside of me as I had that conversation. But it was at that moment, when K wasn't even around that I knew, I felt throughout my entire body that I loved her. I loved her enough to try to orchestrate anything to make sure she was happy.
I ended up going to that concert out of some weird happenstance, and I hope she had a better time because I was there. We had a late snack at a diner, and took the long way home talking as we walked in the heat of that summers night. We kissed goodnight and she wished me a happy birthday. I wanted her to come home with me then. That feelings has never gone away.
This was my point of no return. I knew that once I had fell in love with her, that I wasnt going to try to protect myself anymore. Either I was going to back out, or I was going to go all in. I chose to go with the all in. I told her one evening as we were out strolling, that by this time next year we'd be together. I meant it. I still mean it. I will say this, I never have let myself go, as much as I have with her.
I loved my ex very much, we had a great relationship while we were together, but I knew then what I know now is that she came from a broken home. She was abused by her father, and she is scared to death of happiness. The thought of getting married for her means that eventually she turns into her mother and father, so she did what I knew she would eventually do. She ran. She ran because she could see where the relationship was heading. I tried to keep things together, that's what I do. But in the end, human nature won out and she left.
I was heartbroken, disappointed in myself, wondering if there were things I could have done differently to change what had happened. But as there are some of us that run away from relationships, who take them for granted, that put up that great front at the beginning, there are those of us who cant stop caring.
I thought about K after she left last night. We had a great day together. She showed me the place at the lake that she goes to to feel at peace, we had tea, we smelled old books, we walked down the street hand in hand and kissed on the corners. We had dinner, we discussed our future, and we hurried home to make love.
After she left I thought about the people that we are. It never occurred to me in the past that what I needed in life wasn't someone opposite me. But someone exactly like me. K, is a giver. She cares, she likes to dote on you, she likes seeing how happy the things she does makes you, and it means something to her that she was able to do it. How do I know these things? Because I'm exactly the same way. In past relationships, with people that weren't like me, those types of things would annoy that person. I never quite got how they would. Who doesn't enjoy attention? Who wouldn't like dinner made for them, or a flower as you got off the train. Who wouldn't love that they thought of you and bought you tshirts that had things on them that were special to you, things that you only brought up once. I mentioned once maybe a month prior, something about the Chicago Whales, how I really liked the logo. A month later, here comes K with a Chicago Whales tshirt for me. God, I love her. Its my favorite tshirt. I look forward to wearing the damn thing, and sad after I do. But I digress...
Here I was all broken hearted, and at that time K and I were enjoying a good friendship. I really love her as a person, and that means a lot to me. Even if none of this ever happened, if my ex hadn't become my ex. We'd still be talking. Shes a good person, and a great friend. So as K and I talked, and our talks became more flirty, I enjoyed her attention. It was one of the first things I noticed. I noticed how she looked at me when we were out one day taking pictures of the lakefront, wind gusting everywhere, a little bottle cap took this amazing journey on its own. We made excuses to hang out, we went shopping together, we never stopped talking. I looked forward to seeing her, to texting her about my day. These things went on for a month or two, we grew closer to each other. I confided in her things I wouldn't tell anyone, about myself, about my relationship. She put me at ease even then.
Sometime in late November early December, we started flirting. I know we flirted before, but this was purposeful flirting, the innuendos go from abstract jokes, to personal references. From, "that's what she said", to "I had a dream about you last night". I remember the first time we let ourselves go. God I was so nervous, she was on the train coming from her job downtown, and I was at work. She always looked amazing when she went to work. I know I commented on it before to her. Shes beautiful whenever I see her, but god damn, when she wants to push that amp to 11, she most certainly can. So, we're texting and she's telling me how horny she is, and I told her that if she stops in tonight, I most certainly am gonna attack her. She did, and like a famished animal I did. We went at it in the back room for awhile. God there was so much passion and emotion between the two of us.
Things carried on that way for awhile. We kissed, we flirted, we had amazing sex. I told myself that was it. If it ended it ended, she could walk away, and so could I. I cant fall in love with this woman, shes not available to me. But then she got pregnant. She went away on vacation with her husband, and I felt something stir inside of me. Something that I knew was trouble. Jealousy. I was jealous of a life that someone else had, that I wanted.
I tried to fight the feelings I had while she was away, tried to carry that momentum of not talking on, tried to stick her in the friend box, and leave her there. Friends with benefits. Extremely good benefits. I made new friends, hung out and talked to them more, it was baseball season so i had a cubs game most of my days off, I could do this.
I couldn't. I found myself wanting to talk to her, wanting to share with her. I sent her pictures of the places I was, I would tell her where I was most all of the time, or she'd ask where I was or who I was with. I still had that feeling inside of me every time I got that first glimpse of her. The one that still makes me giddy. I had it yesterday as I got off the train and saw her sitting in her car waiting for me. I think i might have even bounded in my steps. I was falling in love with her, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. The heart wants what the heart wants. We still took little trips together, we went to a cubs game, she got jealous of my other doings, and I of hers. I tried to tell her I loved her, numerous times. In texts, in conversation. Its hard to say I love you to a person and not know if you're going to get it back. It happened yesterday to me, it still kind of hurts, but you try to understand where they are coming from.....its just words right? I know she's in love with me today. So when it doesn't happen now, I try to remember that. But then? I had no idea. Plus I was still trying to hold onto the hope that I wasn't.
That all changed for me in a matter of a few days around my birthday. It was just bubbling inside of me, so I wrote her this long email telling her that I loved her. Thinking about this now, I wish I would have just grabbed her and said it. But it was complicated. I have no problems telling her now, she might wish sometimes I'd shut up about it, but then, it was a struggle for me to admit. So I wrote the email, but I didn't send it. I didn't want the whole I love you thing to cloud what was gonna be a good couple days for me. So I held onto it, I told her I wouldn't send it to her until after my birthday. She knew though. She can read me like a book.
What cemented things for me, and for how I really felt about her was the night before my birthday. She was going to a concert by herself, and I found out a customer of ours was going as well. I wasn't going so I told the customer that K was going as well. I'm a very protective person. I didn't really like the fact that K was going to this concert by herself. Now let me explain something. Could she go by herself? Yes. Would she have a good time even if she was by herself? Yes. Is that gonna stop me from wanting her to have an even better time around people of the same ilk if I could help it? NO! So I set this whole thing up where K would have someone to meet with, to kind of hang with at the concert. The day of the concert I saw the customer, and we shared a smoke. I told her, "now listen, I'm not going to be there, so I'm putting you in charge of making sure that K has a good time." Listening to the words as they came out of my mouth made me realize that I was being protective of her, and even if she didn't need me to be, I enjoyed doing it. I didn't think about what was happening inside of me as I had that conversation. But it was at that moment, when K wasn't even around that I knew, I felt throughout my entire body that I loved her. I loved her enough to try to orchestrate anything to make sure she was happy.
I ended up going to that concert out of some weird happenstance, and I hope she had a better time because I was there. We had a late snack at a diner, and took the long way home talking as we walked in the heat of that summers night. We kissed goodnight and she wished me a happy birthday. I wanted her to come home with me then. That feelings has never gone away.
This was my point of no return. I knew that once I had fell in love with her, that I wasnt going to try to protect myself anymore. Either I was going to back out, or I was going to go all in. I chose to go with the all in. I told her one evening as we were out strolling, that by this time next year we'd be together. I meant it. I still mean it. I will say this, I never have let myself go, as much as I have with her.
advice is bullshit
i found this article online about how you can tell if your spouse is cheating. if you're an idiot, these things are true.
1. becomes emotionally distant, withdrawn or depressed. Most of those who had been cheated on reported this behavior. "He became self-absorbed," one woman told us, "living as if he was single with his own agenda and plans. He became more and more disinterested in me, our family, our friends and our daily needs." Another explained, "His attitude towards me changed gradually, from being an average attentive husband to nearly ignoring me completely towards the end." One man reported, "She showed no interest in improving our marriage. When I tried to show her affection she would not let me, especially not in public. Since the other man traveled in our circle of friends, I later realized she did not want the other man to see her being warm towards me."<p>
i'm thinking that maybe there were problems in the marriage to begin with if your spouse is becoming emotionally distant. like maybe you made fun of her or him the last time they tried to be emotional with you. i am no more distant that H originally was, or that we ever were.
2. The second most prominently reported of the signs of infidelity was the fact that the unfaithful spouse became angry, critical and even at times cruel. 70% of those surveyed reported this sign often coupled with emotional and verbal abuse, constant put downs and little to no patience.
i also don't do this. why would be short and angry with him? i'm the one who's being an asshole. of course he does things that irritate me, but personally i don't feel i can change those any more than a leopard can change his spots.
3. Third on the list of the signs of infidelity is the issue of controlvoiced by those who are cheating. Often they complain that their spouses are "controlling", yet they themselves are guilty of attempting to control. One betrayed spouse reported of their straying partner, "She insisted that I give her more space, that I stop smothering her, and give her room to breathe. Another said their unfaithful spouse began to express a "my way or the highway" type of attitude.
nope. i sit on that couch, come home when i say i will, cook dinner, smile, laugh, watch movies. yes, i have been spending more time in the other room or out of the house, but never would i say he's smothering me. i WISH he would smother me sometimes.
4. Fourth on the list of the signs of infidelity was a reported increase in working hours, after work meetings, business trips and a need to work out of town for prolonged periods of time.
i think you're kind of stupid if you do this and think you're not going to get caught. would it be nice to spend some quality time with D away from the hustle and bustle of life? hell yes. but there's no way in hell i'm going to cough up some BS reason that H will see through in a second just to do that. don't get me wrong, i lie to my husband in order to spend time with D. but never overnight. and never more time than i would usually take to do something outside of the house.
5. The fifth and cruelest of the signs of infidelity on the list of our survey results (reported by 50% of those who participated) was illness of the one who is faithful.This is often more a contributing factor than a sign, thus the words of the song "You left me, just when I needed you most." One woman's husband moved the other woman into their home, during her brief hospitalization, the result of a chronic illness. Another woman's husband began his affair while she was laid up with knee surgery. Another during three weeks bedridden with a severe case of pneumonia, another in the ninth month of pregnancy (four days prior to giving birth to their child), and another during her period of recovery from a heart attack.
i call this the Newt Gringrich syndrome, who left his wife while she was battling breast cancer. i don't know what i would do if H or D got sick. let's hope that doesn't happen in the near future.
6. Number six on the list of signs of infidelity was paying extra close attention to their appearance, buying new clothes, losing weight, extra primping, working out at the gym and other sudden fitness endeavors.
i am in constant battle with my weight and my overall fitness. that being said, i have told H that i have been at the gym the last two times i've spent time with D. and when summer comes, i'll be gone from the house a hell of a lot more. oh, and D doesn't give a shit what i look like, so i buy clothes as the mood strikes me, which isn't often.
7. The seventh of the signs of infidelity was showing more energy and zeal for life, doing things they've never done before or a sudden interest in a new hobby or sport. Interestingly enough this sign was often accompanied by a contrasting lack of energy or depression. "He became withdrawn and seemed to have no energy. He napped or was gone a lot." So zeal for whatever is going on outside the home and lack of zeal for whatever is going on inside the home.
yes, i have more zeal for life because I'M NOT FUCKING BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED. i enjoy being with D because H would rather sit inside and wait for life to come to him. i am BORED. if D were gay, i would still be hanging out with him and i would be honest with H about where i was going. i also don't really like being at home because it reminds me of how sad i am.
8. Becoming inappropriately defensive when asked questions, was number eight on our list of the signs of infidelity.
ha. what questions? and becoming defensive is the classic sign that you're doing something wrong, dumbass.
9. Signs of Infidelity number nine was becoming extra flirtatious with the opposite sex. One woman reported that it seemed strange the way her husband suddenly greeted other women with a kiss when they were out together visiting friends. (He also became defensive about it when questioned later.) Others reported that their spouse became very defensive about their 'right' to maintain private friendships with the opposite sex.
i am a flirtatious person by nature. i love to laugh and tease people, regardless of sex. oh, and i already have my hands full with one guy, i don't need another. the funny thing is that i mention this other guy from work all the time, so i think H thinks there's something up with him.
10. The tenth of the signs of infidelity was an obsessive need for 'private ness' and staying up late at night to work on the computer. When confronted with his excessive late night hours in front of the monitor, one cheater responded "it's none of your business. I'm entitled to my privacy." This is a typical response of an unfaithful spouse. Unfortunately the internet has opened up a whole new way to infidelity. When your spouse suddenly needs a private email or bank account (which they become highly defensive about maintaining) there is a good chance that they are hiding something, and that something is probably marital infidelity. Hiding credit card statements and phone bills are also among the signs of infidelity.
we have completely separate accounts, bank, cell phone, email. hell, he could be having an affair and i wouldn't know. i don't know his passwords and he doesn't know mine. that being said, i text all the fucking time on my phone. he asks me very rarely who i am texting and i rarely tell him the truth unless he sees the screen. then i just say i'm texting D because of some work-related thing or gossip.
Other signs of infidelity included noticing something different in your sex life (better, worse or just different), not always wearing their wedding ring (which they give amazingly believable reasons for), unaccounted for time and being caught lying (which they will explain away with various other reasons). Some people who participated reported noticing strange looks from their spouse, some reported that their spouse was uncomfortable discussing the issue of affairs, and some (definitely not all) reported an intuition that something was wrong. "I felt, call it intuition, that something was wrong but I could not put my finger on it. I would receive trickles of proof or red flags which in and of themselves did not totally make sense and coupled with my denial and my spouses manipulation of the truth it was, as I like to call it, crazy-making. I learned to pay attention to my spouse's behavior and not his words."
i am surprised i haven't been caught yet. maybe denial is what is preventing the reality from sinking in, but i haven't noticed any behavioral changes on H's part that he knows anything. and i don't think he'd be the type who could hide his irritation. i am a really liar, i wear my wedding ring at all times, and, when prompted, i account for my time in a way that is reasonable for me. our sex life has been falling by the way side for way longer than this has been going on. and, when we do have sex (sorry, D), it's like it always was, which kind of surprises me. maybe i'm just a really good actress. i have to say, if you're a bad liar, don't cheat.
1. becomes emotionally distant, withdrawn or depressed. Most of those who had been cheated on reported this behavior. "He became self-absorbed," one woman told us, "living as if he was single with his own agenda and plans. He became more and more disinterested in me, our family, our friends and our daily needs." Another explained, "His attitude towards me changed gradually, from being an average attentive husband to nearly ignoring me completely towards the end." One man reported, "She showed no interest in improving our marriage. When I tried to show her affection she would not let me, especially not in public. Since the other man traveled in our circle of friends, I later realized she did not want the other man to see her being warm towards me."<p>
i'm thinking that maybe there were problems in the marriage to begin with if your spouse is becoming emotionally distant. like maybe you made fun of her or him the last time they tried to be emotional with you. i am no more distant that H originally was, or that we ever were.
2. The second most prominently reported of the signs of infidelity was the fact that the unfaithful spouse became angry, critical and even at times cruel. 70% of those surveyed reported this sign often coupled with emotional and verbal abuse, constant put downs and little to no patience.
i also don't do this. why would be short and angry with him? i'm the one who's being an asshole. of course he does things that irritate me, but personally i don't feel i can change those any more than a leopard can change his spots.
3. Third on the list of the signs of infidelity is the issue of controlvoiced by those who are cheating. Often they complain that their spouses are "controlling", yet they themselves are guilty of attempting to control. One betrayed spouse reported of their straying partner, "She insisted that I give her more space, that I stop smothering her, and give her room to breathe. Another said their unfaithful spouse began to express a "my way or the highway" type of attitude.
nope. i sit on that couch, come home when i say i will, cook dinner, smile, laugh, watch movies. yes, i have been spending more time in the other room or out of the house, but never would i say he's smothering me. i WISH he would smother me sometimes.
4. Fourth on the list of the signs of infidelity was a reported increase in working hours, after work meetings, business trips and a need to work out of town for prolonged periods of time.
i think you're kind of stupid if you do this and think you're not going to get caught. would it be nice to spend some quality time with D away from the hustle and bustle of life? hell yes. but there's no way in hell i'm going to cough up some BS reason that H will see through in a second just to do that. don't get me wrong, i lie to my husband in order to spend time with D. but never overnight. and never more time than i would usually take to do something outside of the house.
5. The fifth and cruelest of the signs of infidelity on the list of our survey results (reported by 50% of those who participated) was illness of the one who is faithful.This is often more a contributing factor than a sign, thus the words of the song "You left me, just when I needed you most." One woman's husband moved the other woman into their home, during her brief hospitalization, the result of a chronic illness. Another woman's husband began his affair while she was laid up with knee surgery. Another during three weeks bedridden with a severe case of pneumonia, another in the ninth month of pregnancy (four days prior to giving birth to their child), and another during her period of recovery from a heart attack.
i call this the Newt Gringrich syndrome, who left his wife while she was battling breast cancer. i don't know what i would do if H or D got sick. let's hope that doesn't happen in the near future.
6. Number six on the list of signs of infidelity was paying extra close attention to their appearance, buying new clothes, losing weight, extra primping, working out at the gym and other sudden fitness endeavors.
i am in constant battle with my weight and my overall fitness. that being said, i have told H that i have been at the gym the last two times i've spent time with D. and when summer comes, i'll be gone from the house a hell of a lot more. oh, and D doesn't give a shit what i look like, so i buy clothes as the mood strikes me, which isn't often.
7. The seventh of the signs of infidelity was showing more energy and zeal for life, doing things they've never done before or a sudden interest in a new hobby or sport. Interestingly enough this sign was often accompanied by a contrasting lack of energy or depression. "He became withdrawn and seemed to have no energy. He napped or was gone a lot." So zeal for whatever is going on outside the home and lack of zeal for whatever is going on inside the home.
yes, i have more zeal for life because I'M NOT FUCKING BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED. i enjoy being with D because H would rather sit inside and wait for life to come to him. i am BORED. if D were gay, i would still be hanging out with him and i would be honest with H about where i was going. i also don't really like being at home because it reminds me of how sad i am.
8. Becoming inappropriately defensive when asked questions, was number eight on our list of the signs of infidelity.
ha. what questions? and becoming defensive is the classic sign that you're doing something wrong, dumbass.
9. Signs of Infidelity number nine was becoming extra flirtatious with the opposite sex. One woman reported that it seemed strange the way her husband suddenly greeted other women with a kiss when they were out together visiting friends. (He also became defensive about it when questioned later.) Others reported that their spouse became very defensive about their 'right' to maintain private friendships with the opposite sex.
i am a flirtatious person by nature. i love to laugh and tease people, regardless of sex. oh, and i already have my hands full with one guy, i don't need another. the funny thing is that i mention this other guy from work all the time, so i think H thinks there's something up with him.
10. The tenth of the signs of infidelity was an obsessive need for 'private ness' and staying up late at night to work on the computer. When confronted with his excessive late night hours in front of the monitor, one cheater responded "it's none of your business. I'm entitled to my privacy." This is a typical response of an unfaithful spouse. Unfortunately the internet has opened up a whole new way to infidelity. When your spouse suddenly needs a private email or bank account (which they become highly defensive about maintaining) there is a good chance that they are hiding something, and that something is probably marital infidelity. Hiding credit card statements and phone bills are also among the signs of infidelity.
we have completely separate accounts, bank, cell phone, email. hell, he could be having an affair and i wouldn't know. i don't know his passwords and he doesn't know mine. that being said, i text all the fucking time on my phone. he asks me very rarely who i am texting and i rarely tell him the truth unless he sees the screen. then i just say i'm texting D because of some work-related thing or gossip.
Other signs of infidelity included noticing something different in your sex life (better, worse or just different), not always wearing their wedding ring (which they give amazingly believable reasons for), unaccounted for time and being caught lying (which they will explain away with various other reasons). Some people who participated reported noticing strange looks from their spouse, some reported that their spouse was uncomfortable discussing the issue of affairs, and some (definitely not all) reported an intuition that something was wrong. "I felt, call it intuition, that something was wrong but I could not put my finger on it. I would receive trickles of proof or red flags which in and of themselves did not totally make sense and coupled with my denial and my spouses manipulation of the truth it was, as I like to call it, crazy-making. I learned to pay attention to my spouse's behavior and not his words."
i am surprised i haven't been caught yet. maybe denial is what is preventing the reality from sinking in, but i haven't noticed any behavioral changes on H's part that he knows anything. and i don't think he'd be the type who could hide his irritation. i am a really liar, i wear my wedding ring at all times, and, when prompted, i account for my time in a way that is reasonable for me. our sex life has been falling by the way side for way longer than this has been going on. and, when we do have sex (sorry, D), it's like it always was, which kind of surprises me. maybe i'm just a really good actress. i have to say, if you're a bad liar, don't cheat.
my marriage
i met my husband, H, about 10 years ago. we worked together, we were both dating other people at the time, we were both disappointed, blah blah blah. sound familiar? it's the soundtrack of my life, really. anyway, he broke up with his girlfriend due to commitment issues on her part. i broke up with my boyfriend because he was driving me nuts and H seemed like a better fit. BUT... i had started dating THAT boyfriend (let's call him B) after breaking up with my fiance earlier in the year. seriously, i have a problem. so i felt some degree of loyalty and guilt (like i do when i end all of my relationships) in breaking up with B. the other punch line: he lived RIGHT NEXT TO H. ahahahahahaaa!! sigh.
so H and i start going out. H actually asked me out to dinner before i was single, that naughty boy. looking back, that isn't really like him at all. so we gave it a shot and i was racked with guilt over how easy it was to be with him as compared to B. B had so many hang-ups and he was guilty over breaking up with HIS girlfriend for me. (it's like a goddamn soap opera. i'll make a flow chart after this over.) so H and i got along fabulously, but i had a hard time letting go of B. a really really hard time. so much so that eventually i broke up with H to go back to B. worst. thing. ever. B never really trusted me after that and H wouldn't talk to me at all.
long story short, i left B for good and H eventually took me back. i still say that H was essentially a rebound, because even after we started back on our journey together, i still had a hard time getting over B. H calls this period "having my head up my ass." nice.
so H and i worked easily together. B was way too social for my tastes. if he didn't have plans on both weekend days, he would get seriously depressed. i was the opposite. even if i had plans, i would try to find ways out of going. but H was in the middle. he didn't have a whole lot of friends in the area, but on occasion we would go out and have a good time. he was smart, a smart ass, well-read, witty, educated, came from a similar background. and he loved me.
we moved in together 6 months after getting back together. he kept all of his stuff, i kept mine. we had our own couches, books, book cases, dishes, cats. combining things has always been the hard thing in our relationship. he takes it the wrong way if i suggest we get rid of his thing; he says, "why not yours??" because yours is older, broken, uncomfortable, etc. or we would get rid of mine. it's like he thought i was going to become That Girlfriend who would turn the apartment into her personal space with flowers and doilies and he would just become another object to dust. sheesh.
some time around christmas, i saw B on the train. it fucked my shit up bad. i basically stood in the train station, shaking and trying really hard not to sob out loud. i think i told H about this. later that week, on a Sunday, i believe, i was working retail and H said he wanted to go shopping. jewelry shopping. for rings. huh? what? i was exhausted and really just wanted to go home, but he was pretty insistent. so we went, at 3pm on a sunday, all over the metro area, looking for a ring. to say that H is not proactive is an understatement. i don't know what lit the fire under his ass, but something did. so we found a ring and he kept it somewhere secret, planning on proposing at the right time.
we traveled to see his family the next month. during a reading at a dingy bookstore, sitting on the filthy carpet, he whipped it out and put it on my finger. for him it was sweet. for me it was less than ideal, but then i never really thought about how a proposal would go. my last fiance, F, proposed to me sitting in my lap in his pajamas. bah. i don't usually demand romance, but once and a while it wouldn't kill them, right?
so we got engaged. and we planned a wedding in six months. nothing was really difficult. we planned well together. i knew what he wouldn't care about (linens, flowers, etc.) and asked his opinion about other stuff. all in all, it was pretty fabulous. a simple, small wedding brunch. never having thought about a wedding before, this was just what we wanted. i was too old for the whole big shabangabang. fuck that. i'm not going in to debt for thousands just to show people i'm getting hitched.
the biggest sticking point i had was my name. i hadn't been planning on taking his. i was old and kind of attached to my maiden name. but he was upset that i didn't want his name and this really surprised me. of all of things to put up a fuss about. i didn't expect it at all. but i conceded. and it was the one thing (at the time) i wish i would have stuck to my guns about. but seriously, it was the only thing that we've ever really combined. and i thought, "this is one thing i can do to show my commitment to this relationship."
anyway, we got married and it was great. we enjoyed similar things, had similar ways of thinking, similar senses of humor, similar methods of cleaning. we didn't have similar movie or music tastes. at all. but i usually caved in because he was kind of intolerant to things he didn't like. ok, so i'll never watch cutting edge with him. or listen to orbital with him. so be it. some other sticking points: he hates the city. eventually he wants to move back to his hometown, which i have no desire to do. not that i want to stay in the city the rest of my life (or do i?) but he hates it. he hates driving in it, exploring it, hates it all. the reason he lives here: employment. i am the opposite. i love this city. i love all it has to offer.
but we stayed and bought a condo. again, that went pretty smoothly. no arguments. i think at some point he called me too picky. yeah, when we're going to plunk down that much money, fucking right i'm going to be picky. so we find a place, move in, buy furniture, a flat screen TV, a new mattress, kitchen table, etc. domestic bliss. the sex got a little stale. he's a "bedroom only" type of person. always on the bed. always. not even on the couch. i think once we had it bent over the arm of the couch in the beginning, but that was as creative as we got. and he was totally against PDA of any kind. he didn't even really like to tell me he loved me on the phone at work. he wasn't a hand holder, and hugs and kisses in public were rare. but truth be told, i didn't really care. i was losing interest in sex anyway. i had better things to do and honestly, it wasn't that important to me.
as our relationship progressed, we got more familiar with each other, as usual. the farting and burping and crass talk escalated. his idea of foreplay was to ask me if i would maybe be interested in some sex later. you know, after his video game playing. nothing was spontaneous. and i didn't consider him grabbing my ass while i was cooking foreplay.
but things really go downhill when he downloads that video game. now he's in front of the TV all the time. he gets home from work and turns it on. he gets up on the weekends and turns it on. i never have control of the tv unless he goes into the other bedroom to do work. then he says, "it's all yours." gosh thanks. weekday evenings, he'll play until dinner time then ask if i want to watch a movie. his choice, of course. it's the one thing we'll (passively) do together, so if i pick a flick he doesn't want to watch, he'll go in the other room. sometimes, i'll pass on the movie and go into the other room to read or play on my iphone or text D. sometimes i listen to my ipod and knit. i feel very lonely. i have expressed to him my hatred of that game. the fact that he talks more to the people on the other end of his headset more than he does to me. he thinks he's being better by asking me to watch movies with him but he's not. a few months ago, we did a puzzle together. that was fun. but here's what i am always hoping:
1. he'll email me from work and ask me to meet him somewhere for dinner.
2. he'll make random hotel reservations for the weekend.
3. he'll be reading or fixing or organizing something when i come home.
4. he'll make me dinner. a real dinner that he thought up himself, not just something he found in the cupboard at the last minute.
5. he'll find something less obtrusive than that game to take up his time.
he is taking me for granted. put that on top of his intolerance and his vasectomy in the face of my disclaimer of wanting kids, and i am pretty pissed off right now. my biggest problem (or thing i'm most proud of) is that i accept him for who he is. it's not his fault he doesn't want kids. fine. nagging him won't get me what i want in the end. if i throw that damn game console out the window, then i'm going to have to find something to do with him in return. what would that be? he doesn't like to any of things i enjoy. biking, exploring, shopping, camping. i don't really like to sit still and he likes to do nothing but.
i think he knows something is up because he's telling me he loves me all the time now. he'll look into my eyes and smile and say that it's totally awesome to be married to me. of course it is. i let you do what ever you want at the expense of my happiness because that's what i do. i know if i demand what i want to be happy, he won't give it to me. or he will for a short period of time, but then things will go back to the way they were. so why bother? i know how people and family dynamics work.
so there i was, in a perfect storm of loneliness and unease when i met D. i fought it for a long, long time. like i said before, the guilt was overwhelming at times. i think all the time, what if H knew what i was doing? it would kill him. i used to close Pandora's Box on a weekly basis. i would go a day without talking to D and i would try to extend that as long as i could. the longer i went, the easier it became. i would blow him off with excuses for why i couldn't talk. or i would just tell him that i didn't feel like talking. when you're constantly over-analyzing your marriage and your relationship with another person, it gets really tiring really fast. but i noticed that when i would push D out of my life, i would get really tired. sad. irritable. even if in the front of my mind i was perfectly OK with not talking to him, now i was faced with my crumbling marriage. the relationship i was supposed to be saving was out in front of the TV, too busy to pay attention to me. it was incredibly isolating.
my question is why? why do we do this to ourselves? why do i feel compelled to be loyal to a man who could obviously care less if i existed? i come home late and he doesn't even look up from his game. i have always been the one for full disclosure (of most things) and i would tell him when i was coming home late. he was never like that. he would go to do things after work and not tell me where he was and he would come home and hour, hour and a half late. meanwhile, here i am thinking he got hit by a bus, kidnapped, shot. but since he doesn't need it from me, i shouldn't want it from him. so he doesn't really care where i go or what i do. the fact that new things occasionally show up in the home. he never asks. so why do i feel so guilty over having an affair? why does society frown upon this? is it the secrecy? ann landers would be aghast. "it's just wrong." but tell me why? why do i feel like a piece of shit in my marriage and out of my marriage? if i would been able to see how shitty this was going to be, i would have tackled it head on and dragged H kicking and screaming into therapy. but you never want to think that your marriage is that bad off. and the thing with D... was the same thing. you never want to admit that your marriage is so bad that you step out. but it happens. so why do i let a bunch of people who haven't walked in my shoes make me feel bad. dan savage doesn't make me feel bad. or maybe he would. yes, my husband would be upset if he found out. yes, i feel i have a good goddamn reason for doing it. yes, i should have talked about it with H.
and i've come close. so so close. but for some reason, i don't want him to feel the same feeling of rejection that i have felt from him. if we split up, it will be because i want kids and he doesn't. it will be because we don't have much in common any more. over these past few months, i have come to terms over what i will miss if i leave him. in the beginning i would start to cry at the thought of missing some things. but, honestly, being with both of them made me happy. D gives me the attention i so badly crave, and H gives me the financial stability and familial history that i enjoy.
but i have crossed over. i have crossed over from H to D. this last vacation away from D really broke me in a way. stepping back from your marriage and really taking a good long look can bring things into focus. there are insurmountable odds in this marriage. and whereas 6 months ago, i would have said no fucking way am i throwing in the towel, now i wonder why the hell not? despite all that i've written, i still love H. but i didn't sign on for this. he's becoming one of those people he always made fun of. i didn't know i was marrying a video junkie. i solidify my feelings for this decision by thinking that i would probably leave H anyway, with or without D. H doesn't love me enough to have a baby with me, and deep down, that kills me. it's a rejection that tears at my soul. yes, i didn't want kids, but i always wanted the option. i always wanted someone to look into my eyes and say, "i would have a baby with you." and i thought i could get him there. i thought our love would transform that part of him. but it never did. and now it's too late. it kills me just to type this. a deep down, crushing sadness that wells up in my chest and radiates out my fingers. a silent despair. one that H will never, ever understand.
so H and i start going out. H actually asked me out to dinner before i was single, that naughty boy. looking back, that isn't really like him at all. so we gave it a shot and i was racked with guilt over how easy it was to be with him as compared to B. B had so many hang-ups and he was guilty over breaking up with HIS girlfriend for me. (it's like a goddamn soap opera. i'll make a flow chart after this over.) so H and i got along fabulously, but i had a hard time letting go of B. a really really hard time. so much so that eventually i broke up with H to go back to B. worst. thing. ever. B never really trusted me after that and H wouldn't talk to me at all.
long story short, i left B for good and H eventually took me back. i still say that H was essentially a rebound, because even after we started back on our journey together, i still had a hard time getting over B. H calls this period "having my head up my ass." nice.
so H and i worked easily together. B was way too social for my tastes. if he didn't have plans on both weekend days, he would get seriously depressed. i was the opposite. even if i had plans, i would try to find ways out of going. but H was in the middle. he didn't have a whole lot of friends in the area, but on occasion we would go out and have a good time. he was smart, a smart ass, well-read, witty, educated, came from a similar background. and he loved me.
we moved in together 6 months after getting back together. he kept all of his stuff, i kept mine. we had our own couches, books, book cases, dishes, cats. combining things has always been the hard thing in our relationship. he takes it the wrong way if i suggest we get rid of his thing; he says, "why not yours??" because yours is older, broken, uncomfortable, etc. or we would get rid of mine. it's like he thought i was going to become That Girlfriend who would turn the apartment into her personal space with flowers and doilies and he would just become another object to dust. sheesh.
some time around christmas, i saw B on the train. it fucked my shit up bad. i basically stood in the train station, shaking and trying really hard not to sob out loud. i think i told H about this. later that week, on a Sunday, i believe, i was working retail and H said he wanted to go shopping. jewelry shopping. for rings. huh? what? i was exhausted and really just wanted to go home, but he was pretty insistent. so we went, at 3pm on a sunday, all over the metro area, looking for a ring. to say that H is not proactive is an understatement. i don't know what lit the fire under his ass, but something did. so we found a ring and he kept it somewhere secret, planning on proposing at the right time.
we traveled to see his family the next month. during a reading at a dingy bookstore, sitting on the filthy carpet, he whipped it out and put it on my finger. for him it was sweet. for me it was less than ideal, but then i never really thought about how a proposal would go. my last fiance, F, proposed to me sitting in my lap in his pajamas. bah. i don't usually demand romance, but once and a while it wouldn't kill them, right?
so we got engaged. and we planned a wedding in six months. nothing was really difficult. we planned well together. i knew what he wouldn't care about (linens, flowers, etc.) and asked his opinion about other stuff. all in all, it was pretty fabulous. a simple, small wedding brunch. never having thought about a wedding before, this was just what we wanted. i was too old for the whole big shabangabang. fuck that. i'm not going in to debt for thousands just to show people i'm getting hitched.
the biggest sticking point i had was my name. i hadn't been planning on taking his. i was old and kind of attached to my maiden name. but he was upset that i didn't want his name and this really surprised me. of all of things to put up a fuss about. i didn't expect it at all. but i conceded. and it was the one thing (at the time) i wish i would have stuck to my guns about. but seriously, it was the only thing that we've ever really combined. and i thought, "this is one thing i can do to show my commitment to this relationship."
anyway, we got married and it was great. we enjoyed similar things, had similar ways of thinking, similar senses of humor, similar methods of cleaning. we didn't have similar movie or music tastes. at all. but i usually caved in because he was kind of intolerant to things he didn't like. ok, so i'll never watch cutting edge with him. or listen to orbital with him. so be it. some other sticking points: he hates the city. eventually he wants to move back to his hometown, which i have no desire to do. not that i want to stay in the city the rest of my life (or do i?) but he hates it. he hates driving in it, exploring it, hates it all. the reason he lives here: employment. i am the opposite. i love this city. i love all it has to offer.
but we stayed and bought a condo. again, that went pretty smoothly. no arguments. i think at some point he called me too picky. yeah, when we're going to plunk down that much money, fucking right i'm going to be picky. so we find a place, move in, buy furniture, a flat screen TV, a new mattress, kitchen table, etc. domestic bliss. the sex got a little stale. he's a "bedroom only" type of person. always on the bed. always. not even on the couch. i think once we had it bent over the arm of the couch in the beginning, but that was as creative as we got. and he was totally against PDA of any kind. he didn't even really like to tell me he loved me on the phone at work. he wasn't a hand holder, and hugs and kisses in public were rare. but truth be told, i didn't really care. i was losing interest in sex anyway. i had better things to do and honestly, it wasn't that important to me.
as our relationship progressed, we got more familiar with each other, as usual. the farting and burping and crass talk escalated. his idea of foreplay was to ask me if i would maybe be interested in some sex later. you know, after his video game playing. nothing was spontaneous. and i didn't consider him grabbing my ass while i was cooking foreplay.
but things really go downhill when he downloads that video game. now he's in front of the TV all the time. he gets home from work and turns it on. he gets up on the weekends and turns it on. i never have control of the tv unless he goes into the other bedroom to do work. then he says, "it's all yours." gosh thanks. weekday evenings, he'll play until dinner time then ask if i want to watch a movie. his choice, of course. it's the one thing we'll (passively) do together, so if i pick a flick he doesn't want to watch, he'll go in the other room. sometimes, i'll pass on the movie and go into the other room to read or play on my iphone or text D. sometimes i listen to my ipod and knit. i feel very lonely. i have expressed to him my hatred of that game. the fact that he talks more to the people on the other end of his headset more than he does to me. he thinks he's being better by asking me to watch movies with him but he's not. a few months ago, we did a puzzle together. that was fun. but here's what i am always hoping:
1. he'll email me from work and ask me to meet him somewhere for dinner.
2. he'll make random hotel reservations for the weekend.
3. he'll be reading or fixing or organizing something when i come home.
4. he'll make me dinner. a real dinner that he thought up himself, not just something he found in the cupboard at the last minute.
5. he'll find something less obtrusive than that game to take up his time.
he is taking me for granted. put that on top of his intolerance and his vasectomy in the face of my disclaimer of wanting kids, and i am pretty pissed off right now. my biggest problem (or thing i'm most proud of) is that i accept him for who he is. it's not his fault he doesn't want kids. fine. nagging him won't get me what i want in the end. if i throw that damn game console out the window, then i'm going to have to find something to do with him in return. what would that be? he doesn't like to any of things i enjoy. biking, exploring, shopping, camping. i don't really like to sit still and he likes to do nothing but.
i think he knows something is up because he's telling me he loves me all the time now. he'll look into my eyes and smile and say that it's totally awesome to be married to me. of course it is. i let you do what ever you want at the expense of my happiness because that's what i do. i know if i demand what i want to be happy, he won't give it to me. or he will for a short period of time, but then things will go back to the way they were. so why bother? i know how people and family dynamics work.
so there i was, in a perfect storm of loneliness and unease when i met D. i fought it for a long, long time. like i said before, the guilt was overwhelming at times. i think all the time, what if H knew what i was doing? it would kill him. i used to close Pandora's Box on a weekly basis. i would go a day without talking to D and i would try to extend that as long as i could. the longer i went, the easier it became. i would blow him off with excuses for why i couldn't talk. or i would just tell him that i didn't feel like talking. when you're constantly over-analyzing your marriage and your relationship with another person, it gets really tiring really fast. but i noticed that when i would push D out of my life, i would get really tired. sad. irritable. even if in the front of my mind i was perfectly OK with not talking to him, now i was faced with my crumbling marriage. the relationship i was supposed to be saving was out in front of the TV, too busy to pay attention to me. it was incredibly isolating.
my question is why? why do we do this to ourselves? why do i feel compelled to be loyal to a man who could obviously care less if i existed? i come home late and he doesn't even look up from his game. i have always been the one for full disclosure (of most things) and i would tell him when i was coming home late. he was never like that. he would go to do things after work and not tell me where he was and he would come home and hour, hour and a half late. meanwhile, here i am thinking he got hit by a bus, kidnapped, shot. but since he doesn't need it from me, i shouldn't want it from him. so he doesn't really care where i go or what i do. the fact that new things occasionally show up in the home. he never asks. so why do i feel so guilty over having an affair? why does society frown upon this? is it the secrecy? ann landers would be aghast. "it's just wrong." but tell me why? why do i feel like a piece of shit in my marriage and out of my marriage? if i would been able to see how shitty this was going to be, i would have tackled it head on and dragged H kicking and screaming into therapy. but you never want to think that your marriage is that bad off. and the thing with D... was the same thing. you never want to admit that your marriage is so bad that you step out. but it happens. so why do i let a bunch of people who haven't walked in my shoes make me feel bad. dan savage doesn't make me feel bad. or maybe he would. yes, my husband would be upset if he found out. yes, i feel i have a good goddamn reason for doing it. yes, i should have talked about it with H.
and i've come close. so so close. but for some reason, i don't want him to feel the same feeling of rejection that i have felt from him. if we split up, it will be because i want kids and he doesn't. it will be because we don't have much in common any more. over these past few months, i have come to terms over what i will miss if i leave him. in the beginning i would start to cry at the thought of missing some things. but, honestly, being with both of them made me happy. D gives me the attention i so badly crave, and H gives me the financial stability and familial history that i enjoy.
but i have crossed over. i have crossed over from H to D. this last vacation away from D really broke me in a way. stepping back from your marriage and really taking a good long look can bring things into focus. there are insurmountable odds in this marriage. and whereas 6 months ago, i would have said no fucking way am i throwing in the towel, now i wonder why the hell not? despite all that i've written, i still love H. but i didn't sign on for this. he's becoming one of those people he always made fun of. i didn't know i was marrying a video junkie. i solidify my feelings for this decision by thinking that i would probably leave H anyway, with or without D. H doesn't love me enough to have a baby with me, and deep down, that kills me. it's a rejection that tears at my soul. yes, i didn't want kids, but i always wanted the option. i always wanted someone to look into my eyes and say, "i would have a baby with you." and i thought i could get him there. i thought our love would transform that part of him. but it never did. and now it's too late. it kills me just to type this. a deep down, crushing sadness that wells up in my chest and radiates out my fingers. a silent despair. one that H will never, ever understand.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Today
I want to take a moment out from recapping the past to talk about today. Its 12:20 pm, and in about half an hour I'm going to leave my apartment to journey out to see her. I love days like today, I've loved today since I first mentioned it to her on Sunday, when we had an amazing day. But the reason I love today is this, I've had something to look forward to. I'm already antsy with anticipation about seeing her in a mere 3 hours. But I got to look forward to today for three whole days. And thats the amazing thing about being in love with someone as much as I'm in love with K.
When you have someone like her in your life you look forward to things again. The weight of the world can get pretty heavy, but you have this thing that nobody can take away from you. You have the next time you see this person, and it doesnt matter if its in 3 days, or in 3 hours, you look forward to it. Looking forward to something is one of the most amazing things in the world.
It can save your life.
You think to yourself, well today sucked, but I get to see K on Wednesday. Or man, what a horribly long day, I cant wait to get off work and go see her. The point is that I look forward to her. She props me up sometimes when I'm low, she kisses my wounds, feeds me courage, and occasionally talks me off of a ledge. I look forward. Again.
When you have someone like her in your life you look forward to things again. The weight of the world can get pretty heavy, but you have this thing that nobody can take away from you. You have the next time you see this person, and it doesnt matter if its in 3 days, or in 3 hours, you look forward to it. Looking forward to something is one of the most amazing things in the world.
It can save your life.
You think to yourself, well today sucked, but I get to see K on Wednesday. Or man, what a horribly long day, I cant wait to get off work and go see her. The point is that I look forward to her. She props me up sometimes when I'm low, she kisses my wounds, feeds me courage, and occasionally talks me off of a ledge. I look forward. Again.
I bet you i could slide my fingers right inside of her, under the bar
It was the first night K and I had gone out. We had worked together for a bit at that point. I am a really resistant social creature. I love people. Well..let me rephrase, I love my people. I hate 99.9 percent of the populace. But if I feel safe enough, deem you trustworthy and not a total mouth breather, then you're in. It didn't take me long of listening and talking to K to realize that she was pretty special. It had nothing to do with physical attraction. I was attracted to her from the get go. She's beautiful. Long brown hair with streaks of grey, beautiful eyes that change color when you look into them, a wonderful smile, and my god, a body that wont quit. To say shes voluptuous is an understatement. Curves that would make any world class sports car crash and burn. I watched her and was a bit smitten to begin with. Yes, I checked her out.
I think I was working with her one night when the flood gates started. I came closer to her, over by the sink, which is by her work station. "so you're married." It might have been the first question I asked her, and well, in true me fashion just came brain to mouth. Then neither of us could shut up. I talked about life, and work. Talked about my past, which normally I never am too forthcoming about. Talked about her life, college, her marriage, careers. K, is easy to talk to. She's one of the rare people on this earth that listen, and not just wait for her turn to talk. Shes a straightforward, no bullshit kind of girl too, which, I look for in a woman. I need that in my life, I have a tendency to get sidetracked every now and again. So I know I need someone that isn't afraid to tell me to get my shit together.
One night as we worked we were out on the patio, I was smoking as I locked everything up for the evening. We talked about going to the bar around the corner for a drink after work. We hurried through the rest of our evening at work together, both in a hurry to just be able to not have to focus on anything but our conversation, and for me a beer. I didn't know about her feelings for me at that point. I most certainly didn't know that she had seen parts of me naked. I would have screamed foul and insisted that I get to see as well, so at that point it was probably for the best.
Did I mention that she smells good? If sexual allure had an aroma, it would be the way K smells. She would stand close to me at work and I would hold her in through my nose. The scent would then travel up into my brain and go directly to the pleasure center of it, and then beat that god damned thing like a gong. I bring this up, because that night she was close to me. Soooo close.
We got to the place we were going, and pulled up a seat at the bar. It was trivia night, and there was a good amount of people at the bar. We ordered up, and received our drinks, and to my right this little, bouncing, drunk, girl sits next to me. She starts talking to me about it being her birthday, and how the dj is her boyfriend, and just being really flirty. Meanwhile on my left I have K, and shes scrunched in trying to hear the conversation, but what she doesn't realize is that I notice, I notice everything. I notice that our knees touch. I noticed that after I reached into my jacket for my phone, that my hand grazed her thigh. I notice that I can still smell her over this girls sex kitten perfume.
I was pretty attracted to K that night, and as I sat there and we talked about this girl, I longed for K. I longed to touch her, to see her naked, To kiss those full lips. So what does a guy do when he cant outright come and say what he wants, because what he wants is so far out of the possibility at that moment? Transference! I told her that she could have any man at that bar if she wanted. I told her that she was an attractive woman. I didn't know she didn't know that I really meant it. She is an attractive woman, SO attractive. As the evening progressed my hormones raged, god I wanted to burst out of my skin. I told K, you see this girl next to me? I bet I could slide my hand down under the bar, up her thighs, and then right inside of her, and she'd let me. There was something going on at that moment between K, and I. The way she said, I bet you could. The way she asked more questions about what I could do, the way I responded. We didn't even notice that the girl had got up and left at that point. I think she knew in a way I was talking about her that entire time, and I think that she wanted me to do those things to her as much as I wanted to do them.
We left the bar, and we talked and laughed. The whole thing was devilishly innocent. But I wanted more then. We got back to her car, and I told her I had a wonderful time. I did. I always do.
I think I was working with her one night when the flood gates started. I came closer to her, over by the sink, which is by her work station. "so you're married." It might have been the first question I asked her, and well, in true me fashion just came brain to mouth. Then neither of us could shut up. I talked about life, and work. Talked about my past, which normally I never am too forthcoming about. Talked about her life, college, her marriage, careers. K, is easy to talk to. She's one of the rare people on this earth that listen, and not just wait for her turn to talk. Shes a straightforward, no bullshit kind of girl too, which, I look for in a woman. I need that in my life, I have a tendency to get sidetracked every now and again. So I know I need someone that isn't afraid to tell me to get my shit together.
One night as we worked we were out on the patio, I was smoking as I locked everything up for the evening. We talked about going to the bar around the corner for a drink after work. We hurried through the rest of our evening at work together, both in a hurry to just be able to not have to focus on anything but our conversation, and for me a beer. I didn't know about her feelings for me at that point. I most certainly didn't know that she had seen parts of me naked. I would have screamed foul and insisted that I get to see as well, so at that point it was probably for the best.
Did I mention that she smells good? If sexual allure had an aroma, it would be the way K smells. She would stand close to me at work and I would hold her in through my nose. The scent would then travel up into my brain and go directly to the pleasure center of it, and then beat that god damned thing like a gong. I bring this up, because that night she was close to me. Soooo close.
We got to the place we were going, and pulled up a seat at the bar. It was trivia night, and there was a good amount of people at the bar. We ordered up, and received our drinks, and to my right this little, bouncing, drunk, girl sits next to me. She starts talking to me about it being her birthday, and how the dj is her boyfriend, and just being really flirty. Meanwhile on my left I have K, and shes scrunched in trying to hear the conversation, but what she doesn't realize is that I notice, I notice everything. I notice that our knees touch. I noticed that after I reached into my jacket for my phone, that my hand grazed her thigh. I notice that I can still smell her over this girls sex kitten perfume.
I was pretty attracted to K that night, and as I sat there and we talked about this girl, I longed for K. I longed to touch her, to see her naked, To kiss those full lips. So what does a guy do when he cant outright come and say what he wants, because what he wants is so far out of the possibility at that moment? Transference! I told her that she could have any man at that bar if she wanted. I told her that she was an attractive woman. I didn't know she didn't know that I really meant it. She is an attractive woman, SO attractive. As the evening progressed my hormones raged, god I wanted to burst out of my skin. I told K, you see this girl next to me? I bet I could slide my hand down under the bar, up her thighs, and then right inside of her, and she'd let me. There was something going on at that moment between K, and I. The way she said, I bet you could. The way she asked more questions about what I could do, the way I responded. We didn't even notice that the girl had got up and left at that point. I think she knew in a way I was talking about her that entire time, and I think that she wanted me to do those things to her as much as I wanted to do them.
We left the bar, and we talked and laughed. The whole thing was devilishly innocent. But I wanted more then. We got back to her car, and I told her I had a wonderful time. I did. I always do.
"do you want to have an affair with me?"
these words were actually spoken by D. we were flirting over text message late at night, talking about our feelings for one another. i had just come out and told him that i was crushing on him. yes, a late-30s woman told someone that she had a crush on him. guh. anyway, we were getting into the diagnostics of our emotions and he asked, "do you want to have an affair with me?" my heart fluttered in my chest when i saw those words pop up on my screen. yes! yes! a million times yes! i thought he was kidding around, but as time discovered, he was serious.
he set up the rules.
#1 no record. delete text messages, pictures, emails.
#2 you can't fall in love with me.
from my journal, 12/15:
when i first met him, he was a closed book. quiet. he struck me as one of those people who only talked to people who passed his "test." you weren't cool unless he decided you were. the first few times i worked with him kind of sucked because he just didn't talk all that much. and when you're alone with someone for 3-4 hours, it can get a little boring. i think i mentioned to my husband once that D was hard to talk to.
i'm not sure when that all turned around. i'm good at getting people to come out of their shells. i found out about his past, which was kind of jaw-dropping. i got to hear about his relationship. (side note: when i found out he had a girl friend, about 2-3 weeks later, my heart kind of dropped a little. seriously.) turns out that his gf had moved to Texas to go to school and was kind of dicking him around a little. he raved about their relationship and how great it was. i thought it was strange that if someone loved someone so much, why the fuck did they move to texas? red flags everywhere. anyway, she had admitted to kissing some other dude and then she wasn't answering her phone or her emails or texts. it was driving him crazy. i could always tell when he hadn't heard from here because he was just stand behind the register, leaning on it like it was the only thing holding him up, and stare out the windows. he was a million miles away. as i got to know him and how much he put into that relationship, it made me want to go down to TX and beat this chick's ass. shit or get off the pot already, honey. you're killing this guy. and he certainly didn't deserve it. he was kind and funny and sweet and complementary and dirty and smart and sarcastic and tattooed and edgy and sexy and romantic. it's really a rare package, to be perfectly honest. he didn't deserve a broken heart, he deserved honesty and love.
and this is how i fell in love with him.
one night, we were outside while he was having a smoke and i picked up his phone. he said, "don't look at my pictures." which is exactly what i did while i wasn't looking. he had dirty pictures. of himself. oh, dear. beautiful pictures of amazing body parts. i quickly turned off the phone and said, "you should have warned me." but he didn't get it or didn't hear me. i spend the rest of the night in a haze. after work, we went to a local bar where he proceeded to have a few beers in a short period of time. there was this drunk young chick next to us celebrating her birthday. she kept leaning into him. she smelled good. i kept leaning into him. he smelled good. we walked home and he said i was a good-looking woman. ugh. i felt very matronly at that point. i thought, this guy is NOT interested at all. not that he should be, for chrisakes. i'm married! god, i was so horny at that point. i would have had sex with him right on that sidewalk.
it kind of built up from there. talking more. hanging out more. he has this gravity that just pulls me in. his smile, his amazing blue eyes, his little chuckle, his insight. i can't stay away.
he set up the rules.
#1 no record. delete text messages, pictures, emails.
#2 you can't fall in love with me.
from my journal, 12/15:
Regardless of like, we decided that it would be best if we stopped. It started by him telling me to delete my convo with him. I said no. Then he said that if we're "going to play," there are going to be rules. The only rule was I had to delete all evidence. I argued with him about that and he said, "I will stop everything. I'm not fucking around." And I was like, everything? "No more flirting, no more talking about sec, no more thinking about it." And I said I thought that's what I meant by closing Pandora's Box. I had thought we had already agreed to keep it closed. And he said, "Yes, I will cement that fucker closed." Then after I grudingly agreed to that, I asked, "Why do you want to play this with me?" He said, "I'm not playing."... Then he said, I would make a terrible robber, leaving evidence all over the place. I said I'm fine as long as there are no emotions involved. Then came the second rule. "You cannot, I repeat CANNOT, fall in love with me." My heart just stopped when I read that. I thought about it for a minute and said, "I can't play." I can't. It may already be too late. To have him touch me would probably kill me.despite the fact that right before this conversation, i had asked him if he ever had had sex standing up. the day before we had been talking about dirty dreams we'd had about one another. this is how an affair starts. distances close. doors open just enough to see inside, to get a glimpse of the man that exists. every time i spoke to him, he opened that door just a little bit more.
when i first met him, he was a closed book. quiet. he struck me as one of those people who only talked to people who passed his "test." you weren't cool unless he decided you were. the first few times i worked with him kind of sucked because he just didn't talk all that much. and when you're alone with someone for 3-4 hours, it can get a little boring. i think i mentioned to my husband once that D was hard to talk to.
i'm not sure when that all turned around. i'm good at getting people to come out of their shells. i found out about his past, which was kind of jaw-dropping. i got to hear about his relationship. (side note: when i found out he had a girl friend, about 2-3 weeks later, my heart kind of dropped a little. seriously.) turns out that his gf had moved to Texas to go to school and was kind of dicking him around a little. he raved about their relationship and how great it was. i thought it was strange that if someone loved someone so much, why the fuck did they move to texas? red flags everywhere. anyway, she had admitted to kissing some other dude and then she wasn't answering her phone or her emails or texts. it was driving him crazy. i could always tell when he hadn't heard from here because he was just stand behind the register, leaning on it like it was the only thing holding him up, and stare out the windows. he was a million miles away. as i got to know him and how much he put into that relationship, it made me want to go down to TX and beat this chick's ass. shit or get off the pot already, honey. you're killing this guy. and he certainly didn't deserve it. he was kind and funny and sweet and complementary and dirty and smart and sarcastic and tattooed and edgy and sexy and romantic. it's really a rare package, to be perfectly honest. he didn't deserve a broken heart, he deserved honesty and love.
and this is how i fell in love with him.
one night, we were outside while he was having a smoke and i picked up his phone. he said, "don't look at my pictures." which is exactly what i did while i wasn't looking. he had dirty pictures. of himself. oh, dear. beautiful pictures of amazing body parts. i quickly turned off the phone and said, "you should have warned me." but he didn't get it or didn't hear me. i spend the rest of the night in a haze. after work, we went to a local bar where he proceeded to have a few beers in a short period of time. there was this drunk young chick next to us celebrating her birthday. she kept leaning into him. she smelled good. i kept leaning into him. he smelled good. we walked home and he said i was a good-looking woman. ugh. i felt very matronly at that point. i thought, this guy is NOT interested at all. not that he should be, for chrisakes. i'm married! god, i was so horny at that point. i would have had sex with him right on that sidewalk.
it kind of built up from there. talking more. hanging out more. he has this gravity that just pulls me in. his smile, his amazing blue eyes, his little chuckle, his insight. i can't stay away.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
point of no return, or the shoes now on the other foot
At some point I had control.
I had control over the emotions that now flood through my brain, proving to me that the chaos theory, is, in all means, a real thing. When did I lose control? It happened when I began seeing something different in our affair. It happened when she became pregnant. I talked to my best friend, my mind began to wander about this baby of ours. The thing is, it wasnt a next day abortion. We talked, she emoted, she told her husband. The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that there were only really two options.
One: she has the baby, and that baby, K, and I would be a family. There was no way I would have let her come to term with a baby and then give it up for adoption. No way. Id work 100 jobs before I ever let that happen. Theres no way she would have been able to do that either. I know her, she would have taken one look at that child and been like, yup, youre going home with me. The other thing is, and I think I mentioned it to her before she told her husband, was that there was no way on this earth that I was going to let someone else raise my child. It would have crushed me. Whatever spirit and hope I have left for this world would have been gone.
Two: Well, yeah. Even though I mourn, and even though I wonder what could have been. I dont blame her, I dont blame myself either. How could I ask a woman, that I was just starting to really fall in love with to abandon her entire life to have a child with me. I mean it is me. I'm small potatoes, for a woman of her amazingness. I mean, come on, is your head cold? She could have you in a knit hat before you hit the door to go outside to face the cold. You wouldnt even know how the damn thing got on your head to begin with. Like I said, its a lot to ask of anyone. She knew I wanted to keep it. She has that way about her, she looks into me, she can see how I feel, what I'm thinking before I could ever summon up the words or the courage to tell her. Its very disarming, and one the many myriad of reasons I'm in love with her.
She told me that she decided to end her pregnancy. I sighed and didnt put up much of a fight. Which I regret. I sat her down later and told her, but it was after the fact. I told her that I really didnt tell her, I feined it. But I didnt just come out straightforward and say it. I want you to have this baby with me. It wasnt fair of me to do what I did. She told me that it really wouldnt have mattered if I wanted it or if I had said that, it wouldnt have affected the outcome. I dont know if she was just letting me off the hook, or was serious, or a combination of the two.
So it happened, she had the abortion, I remember she told me the time of her appointment, I remember looking at my phone as the time ticked closer and closer, I remember thinking about her, about what she was going through. I know she cried, she didnt have to tell me she did, and I dont think she ever has. I love her for crying, for caring. Id have given anything to take that pain away from her. I imagined her in her robe, sitting there alone, I wanted so badly to run to her, to take her away. But I had nothing but concrete shoes, and a quiet, antsy, desperation as I was stuck at work taking shitty drink orders, from people who had no idea that the man that they were looking at, his heart was breaking.
Soon after, K and her husband went on vacation, it was extremely hard for me to hear her tell me, "now while I'm gone, I'm not really gonna be able to talk to you at all". I guess I can thank her now for forming my relationship with my best friend. While she was gone I was lost, I didnt know what to do without my friend, my lover. She helped me through my last rough patch, and now all I got was a dont text me, til i text you. My friend Bill and I had talked a bit, hanging out here and there, but the second day, while I was going out of my mind, he asked me to come over and watch a movie. I think I was there the next 5 nights as well. It took my mind off of things a bit. Not entirely. But whatever thoughts I had about K and I having a family, were brought back to earth with the harshest of realities. At this moment, I was cast aside. I hated that feeling. I hated feeling lesser. I hated not being able to share my day with her. Did I understand why I couldnt talk to her while she was away? Of course. Did I like it? Fuck no.
So I tried to retain the semblance of control that I had, I tried to ease off a bit. I tried to distract myself with other women, booze, my friends. I tried so damn hard. But she kept getting in. She kept tearing the wall I had built down, brick by brick. Just as I was laying a new brick, the last one would be gone. I knew I was in love with her. I just didnt know what to do with that love. I tried burying it, hiding it from her. But like I said above, all she had to do was peer into my eyes. I love her. I love her more than I could ever put into words. I stopped trying to fight it, and I'm a better man for it.
I had control over the emotions that now flood through my brain, proving to me that the chaos theory, is, in all means, a real thing. When did I lose control? It happened when I began seeing something different in our affair. It happened when she became pregnant. I talked to my best friend, my mind began to wander about this baby of ours. The thing is, it wasnt a next day abortion. We talked, she emoted, she told her husband. The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that there were only really two options.
One: she has the baby, and that baby, K, and I would be a family. There was no way I would have let her come to term with a baby and then give it up for adoption. No way. Id work 100 jobs before I ever let that happen. Theres no way she would have been able to do that either. I know her, she would have taken one look at that child and been like, yup, youre going home with me. The other thing is, and I think I mentioned it to her before she told her husband, was that there was no way on this earth that I was going to let someone else raise my child. It would have crushed me. Whatever spirit and hope I have left for this world would have been gone.
Two: Well, yeah. Even though I mourn, and even though I wonder what could have been. I dont blame her, I dont blame myself either. How could I ask a woman, that I was just starting to really fall in love with to abandon her entire life to have a child with me. I mean it is me. I'm small potatoes, for a woman of her amazingness. I mean, come on, is your head cold? She could have you in a knit hat before you hit the door to go outside to face the cold. You wouldnt even know how the damn thing got on your head to begin with. Like I said, its a lot to ask of anyone. She knew I wanted to keep it. She has that way about her, she looks into me, she can see how I feel, what I'm thinking before I could ever summon up the words or the courage to tell her. Its very disarming, and one the many myriad of reasons I'm in love with her.
She told me that she decided to end her pregnancy. I sighed and didnt put up much of a fight. Which I regret. I sat her down later and told her, but it was after the fact. I told her that I really didnt tell her, I feined it. But I didnt just come out straightforward and say it. I want you to have this baby with me. It wasnt fair of me to do what I did. She told me that it really wouldnt have mattered if I wanted it or if I had said that, it wouldnt have affected the outcome. I dont know if she was just letting me off the hook, or was serious, or a combination of the two.
So it happened, she had the abortion, I remember she told me the time of her appointment, I remember looking at my phone as the time ticked closer and closer, I remember thinking about her, about what she was going through. I know she cried, she didnt have to tell me she did, and I dont think she ever has. I love her for crying, for caring. Id have given anything to take that pain away from her. I imagined her in her robe, sitting there alone, I wanted so badly to run to her, to take her away. But I had nothing but concrete shoes, and a quiet, antsy, desperation as I was stuck at work taking shitty drink orders, from people who had no idea that the man that they were looking at, his heart was breaking.
Soon after, K and her husband went on vacation, it was extremely hard for me to hear her tell me, "now while I'm gone, I'm not really gonna be able to talk to you at all". I guess I can thank her now for forming my relationship with my best friend. While she was gone I was lost, I didnt know what to do without my friend, my lover. She helped me through my last rough patch, and now all I got was a dont text me, til i text you. My friend Bill and I had talked a bit, hanging out here and there, but the second day, while I was going out of my mind, he asked me to come over and watch a movie. I think I was there the next 5 nights as well. It took my mind off of things a bit. Not entirely. But whatever thoughts I had about K and I having a family, were brought back to earth with the harshest of realities. At this moment, I was cast aside. I hated that feeling. I hated feeling lesser. I hated not being able to share my day with her. Did I understand why I couldnt talk to her while she was away? Of course. Did I like it? Fuck no.
So I tried to retain the semblance of control that I had, I tried to ease off a bit. I tried to distract myself with other women, booze, my friends. I tried so damn hard. But she kept getting in. She kept tearing the wall I had built down, brick by brick. Just as I was laying a new brick, the last one would be gone. I knew I was in love with her. I just didnt know what to do with that love. I tried burying it, hiding it from her. But like I said above, all she had to do was peer into my eyes. I love her. I love her more than I could ever put into words. I stopped trying to fight it, and I'm a better man for it.
the realization
no doubt the main issue with having an affair is the guilt. in the beginning, i was wracked with guilt. my husband was my best friend. who was i to go around sleeping with this guy i just met? it's the worst thing you can do to a marriage. and i claimed that i wasn't unhappy. yes, my husband played video games more than he hung out with me. he smoked a lot of reefer. he didn't like to leave the house on weekends or after he got home from work. that left me with a lot of bitter time on my hands. seriously, it was a recipe for an affair.
the thing about an affair is that, unless you choose someone from your past that you know pretty well, you really don't know what this lover is like. you've met them under very restrictive circumstances. you probably won't wake up with them, have them meet your friends, go on trips with them, interact on a daily basis, go through crises with them. it's a very limited relationship. you see each other when you want to, and usually not every day. so how do you know what you're really getting yourself into? you don't.
from the beginning, i tried to keep him at arm's length. D is a very affectionate person. he loves kisses, hugs, touching. i tried to limit all of this. after we first had sex, i told him i couldn't do it. but it never worked. but his hugs. mmmmmmm. so warm and inviting. i love pressing my cheek against his when we hug. it was hard to go back to the ignoring husband when you had someone who wanted to pay attention to you. so it would last about a week, then i would cave. then i would tell him we just couldn't have sex. i didn't feel as guilty about the hugs and the kisses and the other fooling around. but no sex. that never lasted too long either. i kept referring to our relationship as Pandora's Box. there's a little icon on the iPhone that looks like a present. that's The Box. he grew to hate that box. he hated anything that limited our relationship beyond the usual constraints. of course, he didn't have a second person pulling him in another direction. i'm not saying it was easier for him. he had a whole other set of issues that he had to deal with. but he found it just as hard to stay away as i did.
we took a break while i went on vacation right after the abortion. we spoke very briefly. it's hard to get away to text when you're in the same room with the person you're trying to hide things from. i did ok for the first few days. at this point in our relationship, i was still in "he's just a fling" mode and thought that he was just a friend with benefits... i was in this for the physical, not the emotional, so it shouldn't matter if i talk to him every day. but towards the end of the vacation, i ached for him. seriously. i couldn't wait to get back to our regular texting and our strange relationship status. little did i know is that he put me on the back burner while i was away. i think he was still dealing with the loss of the pregnancy and the full spectrum of his feelings for me. yes, we had been having fun. but that baby changed things.
when i got back, i could barely get him to talk to me. it was heartbreaking. i cried. seriously. i didn't have a job, so i stayed up, silently sobbing next to my sleeping spouse, hoping he didn't hear me. one night, i was crying so hard, i got up and laid on the couch so my snot-filled shaking didn't wake him. that would have been a hard one to explain, huh? and D denied everything. he wasn't ignoring me, he said. he was busy. with friends, with work, with other things. there was another girl that he was fooling around with. i burned with jealousy, but what could i do? i couldn't compete. but still, i would wait for a text and.... nothing. i had been abandoned, twice. once by my husband and once by my lover.
during this time, we were still working together. i had been let go at my awful, full-time job and i was back working retail with him again. we closed one night. i rode my bike that day and we walked together as far as his corner. i remember standing there, telling him that i'm being ignored by two people. i guess it's at this time i realized that i couldn't deny my feelings for him any longer. he was really the only person who knew the truth about the pregnancy. none of my friends knew about him. only 2 of my friends, including my sister, knew about the pregnancy at all. i know my husband didn't tell anyone.
i wrote in my journal on April 8: "I am in love with him. I haven't said it or written it or signed it or hula'ed it. But I cannot stop thinking about him. He breaks my heart but he can't help it because he doesn't know. Oh, well. I don't want my life to change so this will all stay on paper. But part of me wishes I would have kept it."
the thing about an affair is that, unless you choose someone from your past that you know pretty well, you really don't know what this lover is like. you've met them under very restrictive circumstances. you probably won't wake up with them, have them meet your friends, go on trips with them, interact on a daily basis, go through crises with them. it's a very limited relationship. you see each other when you want to, and usually not every day. so how do you know what you're really getting yourself into? you don't.
from the beginning, i tried to keep him at arm's length. D is a very affectionate person. he loves kisses, hugs, touching. i tried to limit all of this. after we first had sex, i told him i couldn't do it. but it never worked. but his hugs. mmmmmmm. so warm and inviting. i love pressing my cheek against his when we hug. it was hard to go back to the ignoring husband when you had someone who wanted to pay attention to you. so it would last about a week, then i would cave. then i would tell him we just couldn't have sex. i didn't feel as guilty about the hugs and the kisses and the other fooling around. but no sex. that never lasted too long either. i kept referring to our relationship as Pandora's Box. there's a little icon on the iPhone that looks like a present. that's The Box. he grew to hate that box. he hated anything that limited our relationship beyond the usual constraints. of course, he didn't have a second person pulling him in another direction. i'm not saying it was easier for him. he had a whole other set of issues that he had to deal with. but he found it just as hard to stay away as i did.
we took a break while i went on vacation right after the abortion. we spoke very briefly. it's hard to get away to text when you're in the same room with the person you're trying to hide things from. i did ok for the first few days. at this point in our relationship, i was still in "he's just a fling" mode and thought that he was just a friend with benefits... i was in this for the physical, not the emotional, so it shouldn't matter if i talk to him every day. but towards the end of the vacation, i ached for him. seriously. i couldn't wait to get back to our regular texting and our strange relationship status. little did i know is that he put me on the back burner while i was away. i think he was still dealing with the loss of the pregnancy and the full spectrum of his feelings for me. yes, we had been having fun. but that baby changed things.
when i got back, i could barely get him to talk to me. it was heartbreaking. i cried. seriously. i didn't have a job, so i stayed up, silently sobbing next to my sleeping spouse, hoping he didn't hear me. one night, i was crying so hard, i got up and laid on the couch so my snot-filled shaking didn't wake him. that would have been a hard one to explain, huh? and D denied everything. he wasn't ignoring me, he said. he was busy. with friends, with work, with other things. there was another girl that he was fooling around with. i burned with jealousy, but what could i do? i couldn't compete. but still, i would wait for a text and.... nothing. i had been abandoned, twice. once by my husband and once by my lover.
during this time, we were still working together. i had been let go at my awful, full-time job and i was back working retail with him again. we closed one night. i rode my bike that day and we walked together as far as his corner. i remember standing there, telling him that i'm being ignored by two people. i guess it's at this time i realized that i couldn't deny my feelings for him any longer. he was really the only person who knew the truth about the pregnancy. none of my friends knew about him. only 2 of my friends, including my sister, knew about the pregnancy at all. i know my husband didn't tell anyone.
i wrote in my journal on April 8: "I am in love with him. I haven't said it or written it or signed it or hula'ed it. But I cannot stop thinking about him. He breaks my heart but he can't help it because he doesn't know. Oh, well. I don't want my life to change so this will all stay on paper. But part of me wishes I would have kept it."
....and then my first post.
I am D.
Its hard to not be in the drivers seat of life sometimes. Hard to know yourself, and know the kind of person you are, know that you need control, know that you like to be the pilot, the captain......and then let all of that go because of how deeply you love another person.
My lover is asleep now, its 3am, I have no real business being awake. I am exhausted. I spent the evening with some friends of mine. One friend in particular is moving home in a mere five days, and I'm trying to milk every last opportunity I have to spend with him. But this is important to me too. It wouldn't be easy for me to fall asleep anyways. I'd have my thoughts about this blog, of my lover, of our future together to keep me awake if I didn't put whatever thoughts and feelings I had in this blog before i drifted off to sleep. But she's asleep, and its not with me.
Its hard to hear that the person you love, still loves another person. Its hard to sit and think about this amazing woman, who you know is deeply in love with you, still has room for someone else in her life. Its hard to hear things that you love that happened be put negatively. Words like downhill. Now in all honestly, I signed up for this. I knew that if this was something I wanted to pursue then I'd have to be patient. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets start from the beginning...
She tells me she saw me before, but the first time I met her she was standing behind the counter where I work, being trained by a good friend of mine, and I had just returned from a vacation with my then girlfriend at the time in Texas. I remember then the great smile and demeanor she had. I picked up my keys and automatically looked forward to working with the new girl.
I'll admit that as we worked together those first few weeks that I didn't let on that I had a girlfriend, I don't think it would have mattered one bit, as she did tell me shortly after meeting her that she was married. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not really the type that cheats, I never have, and as far as I knew then, I wasn't the type that would have got involved with anyone who was involved, let alone married. But there was such a beautiful, easy way about the both of us together. Kindred spirits, if you wanna call it that. I felt something with her that I have never felt before, and that is a peace within myself. We took interest in each other, we chatted, we confided. There were several things I told her about her marriage, that I thank god I said them then, because saying them now would make me seem severely biased. I could tell she was unhappy. I could tell that she wasn't appreciated. I'm not going to get into my deep, deep feelings for her, and how I feel about her today, but at that point I was so happy to have found her.
My ex and I had a long breakup that took months, but by the end of it, I was an emotional wreck. K., as I will refer to her here, was there for me every step of the way. She told me I deserved better, she told me that I was a good man. I found solace in her, I found comfort. We talked more. I loved making her laugh, I loved being a part of her day. And we talked, and talked. After one day of hanging out, after thanksgiving, she was shopping for a iPhone, and we just kind of sat in front of my house in her car. Neither one of us wanted to leave, we both wanted to hang out more. So we decided to go to Evanston to check out the hobby store. But we were, kinda, boxed in by a moving truck and stuck just sitting there. She turned to me with that look, and I'll never forget it as long as I live, that look like you so long for a person, that you want them to take you, put your head in their hands and share that first kiss. I wanted to so badly. She was radiant and beautiful. But I didn't. It did happen, and it was just as beautiful as when I could have kissed her then, but i think to myself that theres a lot of kisses I missed out on by not doing it then.
She left work, got a new job downtown, and I was heartbroken. I didn't want my access to her to get cut off. I didn't want to not have that "I know when I'm gonna see her, because shes on the schedule" access to her, but it didn't matter. I didn't know it then, but she was in love with me. I'm kind of clueless that way. But it was no matter, she made a point to come see me, she would come around for little visits, and I saw her every Sunday at work. And as she was working downtown, our texts became more and more flirty, more and more sexual. The first time I touched her, my body felt like it was on fire, but she resisted kissing me. She said if she kissed me, then shed have sex with me. I couldn't help myself one day, and although I resisted, I kissed her, and I wanted more.
I remember vividly the first time we made love, and the second. Which is the point of this entire post. Its my answer to her post. She got pregnant. She told me and my heart stopped for a second. My mind began to wander. I wasn't scared either. I did initially try to tell her what I thought she wanted to hear. It was never my intention to make her life harder. I talked to my friend that night and said, "so guess who might get to be a daddy." I thought to myself about my family, my brothers. How happy they would be for me, and for themselves. They've always wanted me to have a family. I suppose they see the same thing in me that I hope K does. She pinned me down in the car and asked me how I really felt. I said exactly what she said that I said. But I did want her to have it. I did want to her to run away with me. I kinda knew then what I know very well now. She's a keeper. Id have taken off and ran with her. I would have tried to be the best father, and lover to her that I could, and I still would. I told her months down the line, that I'd like to try again, and there's no truer statement that I've ever made.
I didn't know until tonight exactly everything that she went through, and it makes me incredibly sad. I had asked her if she wanted me to go with her that day, for support. But the truth is, I'd have probably tried to talk her out of it. If I would have heard her say," I'm sorry", I would have lifted her up threw her over my shoulder and carried her out of the place. For all of it, I want to tell her that I'm sorry. Sorry that maybe I didnt have the right words, maybe that our relationship, with its newness, didnt carry the same weight it does now. I ache at her loss as much as I ache at mine. I'll never make that mistake again.
It doesn't take long for anyone to realize that they are besides someone amazing. I knew it then, I know it even more now. She showed me the picture of the ultrasound months later. I wept so hard, and begged her to come over. I mourn what could have been. I carry that picture around with me and look at it more often than I should. My views may be different than hers, but I know, one day, we will have a child together. Until then, like I said, this is very hard.
4am, time to sleep. I look forward to hearing from her in the morning.
Its hard to not be in the drivers seat of life sometimes. Hard to know yourself, and know the kind of person you are, know that you need control, know that you like to be the pilot, the captain......and then let all of that go because of how deeply you love another person.
My lover is asleep now, its 3am, I have no real business being awake. I am exhausted. I spent the evening with some friends of mine. One friend in particular is moving home in a mere five days, and I'm trying to milk every last opportunity I have to spend with him. But this is important to me too. It wouldn't be easy for me to fall asleep anyways. I'd have my thoughts about this blog, of my lover, of our future together to keep me awake if I didn't put whatever thoughts and feelings I had in this blog before i drifted off to sleep. But she's asleep, and its not with me.
Its hard to hear that the person you love, still loves another person. Its hard to sit and think about this amazing woman, who you know is deeply in love with you, still has room for someone else in her life. Its hard to hear things that you love that happened be put negatively. Words like downhill. Now in all honestly, I signed up for this. I knew that if this was something I wanted to pursue then I'd have to be patient. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets start from the beginning...
She tells me she saw me before, but the first time I met her she was standing behind the counter where I work, being trained by a good friend of mine, and I had just returned from a vacation with my then girlfriend at the time in Texas. I remember then the great smile and demeanor she had. I picked up my keys and automatically looked forward to working with the new girl.
I'll admit that as we worked together those first few weeks that I didn't let on that I had a girlfriend, I don't think it would have mattered one bit, as she did tell me shortly after meeting her that she was married. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not really the type that cheats, I never have, and as far as I knew then, I wasn't the type that would have got involved with anyone who was involved, let alone married. But there was such a beautiful, easy way about the both of us together. Kindred spirits, if you wanna call it that. I felt something with her that I have never felt before, and that is a peace within myself. We took interest in each other, we chatted, we confided. There were several things I told her about her marriage, that I thank god I said them then, because saying them now would make me seem severely biased. I could tell she was unhappy. I could tell that she wasn't appreciated. I'm not going to get into my deep, deep feelings for her, and how I feel about her today, but at that point I was so happy to have found her.
My ex and I had a long breakup that took months, but by the end of it, I was an emotional wreck. K., as I will refer to her here, was there for me every step of the way. She told me I deserved better, she told me that I was a good man. I found solace in her, I found comfort. We talked more. I loved making her laugh, I loved being a part of her day. And we talked, and talked. After one day of hanging out, after thanksgiving, she was shopping for a iPhone, and we just kind of sat in front of my house in her car. Neither one of us wanted to leave, we both wanted to hang out more. So we decided to go to Evanston to check out the hobby store. But we were, kinda, boxed in by a moving truck and stuck just sitting there. She turned to me with that look, and I'll never forget it as long as I live, that look like you so long for a person, that you want them to take you, put your head in their hands and share that first kiss. I wanted to so badly. She was radiant and beautiful. But I didn't. It did happen, and it was just as beautiful as when I could have kissed her then, but i think to myself that theres a lot of kisses I missed out on by not doing it then.
She left work, got a new job downtown, and I was heartbroken. I didn't want my access to her to get cut off. I didn't want to not have that "I know when I'm gonna see her, because shes on the schedule" access to her, but it didn't matter. I didn't know it then, but she was in love with me. I'm kind of clueless that way. But it was no matter, she made a point to come see me, she would come around for little visits, and I saw her every Sunday at work. And as she was working downtown, our texts became more and more flirty, more and more sexual. The first time I touched her, my body felt like it was on fire, but she resisted kissing me. She said if she kissed me, then shed have sex with me. I couldn't help myself one day, and although I resisted, I kissed her, and I wanted more.
I remember vividly the first time we made love, and the second. Which is the point of this entire post. Its my answer to her post. She got pregnant. She told me and my heart stopped for a second. My mind began to wander. I wasn't scared either. I did initially try to tell her what I thought she wanted to hear. It was never my intention to make her life harder. I talked to my friend that night and said, "so guess who might get to be a daddy." I thought to myself about my family, my brothers. How happy they would be for me, and for themselves. They've always wanted me to have a family. I suppose they see the same thing in me that I hope K does. She pinned me down in the car and asked me how I really felt. I said exactly what she said that I said. But I did want her to have it. I did want to her to run away with me. I kinda knew then what I know very well now. She's a keeper. Id have taken off and ran with her. I would have tried to be the best father, and lover to her that I could, and I still would. I told her months down the line, that I'd like to try again, and there's no truer statement that I've ever made.
I didn't know until tonight exactly everything that she went through, and it makes me incredibly sad. I had asked her if she wanted me to go with her that day, for support. But the truth is, I'd have probably tried to talk her out of it. If I would have heard her say," I'm sorry", I would have lifted her up threw her over my shoulder and carried her out of the place. For all of it, I want to tell her that I'm sorry. Sorry that maybe I didnt have the right words, maybe that our relationship, with its newness, didnt carry the same weight it does now. I ache at her loss as much as I ache at mine. I'll never make that mistake again.
It doesn't take long for anyone to realize that they are besides someone amazing. I knew it then, I know it even more now. She showed me the picture of the ultrasound months later. I wept so hard, and begged her to come over. I mourn what could have been. I carry that picture around with me and look at it more often than I should. My views may be different than hers, but I know, one day, we will have a child together. Until then, like I said, this is very hard.
4am, time to sleep. I look forward to hearing from her in the morning.
Monday, March 25, 2013
the first post
i have been thinking a lot about what it means to have an affair. to go outside your marriage for love and attention.
let me be honest: i still love my husband. we have been together almost 8 years. that is the longest of any relationship i've ever been in. we still laugh. we still talk. we still do things from time to time. like right now, we're watching MST3K and passing a victoria's secret magazine back and forth, drawing dicks and pubes on the models. there was much laughter. for the most part, i act the part of a dutiful wife.
it used to come easier. life gets in the way. time tromps on, people change, things happen that you don't talk about and walls go up.
in october 2010, my husband downloaded a free video game on his PS3. he was a sporadic video game player. he'd buy one that was fun, play it, finish it in a week, and then go back to reading or playing music or whatever. but this game was something different. it was his first online game. a constant game with no end. with people online. he bought a headset. he hooked up a keyboard. and he sat in his damn chair every free minute of the day and played that game.
he's not an adventurous guy anyway. we used to drive around the city and explore. we used to shop, and hang out and visit people and make plans. but when that game came into our lives, he barely left the house. so i would sit and knit. or clean. or hang out on the computer. or cook. or bake. but i usually hung around the house because that was our dynamic. we did things together. if he stayed home, i stayed home. oh, sure, i went grocery shopping without him, and clothes shopping, and i hung out with friends, but during the week, we usually just hung out at home. but this game brought his laziness to a whole new level.
i had started a new job at starbucks in Sept. i met someone. by november, i was primed for an affair. i was lonely, ignored, taken for granted. i had asked him to stop playing that game, that i worried about our marriage. for a little while, he cut back, but not for long. i know how the human creature works. unless they thing something is really wrong, chances are things won't change. little to no effort was put in.
so anyway, i started talking to a guy at work. I'll call him D. to say we were fast friends is an understatement. we worked together a lot, so we had a lot of time to kill. we teased, we flirted, we talked, we laughed. we texted. we went out. i liked him a lot. he was deep and funny and smart and down to earth. he saw that my husband was ignoring me and he told me i deserved better. i boosted his ego after his girlfriend broke up with him. needless to say, we got closer than we should have.
our first kiss was in the car out in front of his apartment sometime in December. it was all downhill from there. i told myself that i could turn back at any time. kissing really didn't mean anything. i tried to put the brakes on. but then came new year's weekend. i went over to his place and we ended up having sex. i don't know what it was about him, but he awakened my sleeping libido.
at first it was just sex for fun. we enjoyed each other, we turned each other on, it was an affair in the simplest terms. but then something unexpected happened. i got pregnant. when you're having fun, protection tends to go by the way side and i wasn't on the pill.
feb 2, i took a pregnancy test at 6am in the morning. i kept telling myself that i had been stressed, that i had mis-calculated, that it was just late, no biggie. there is no way i could be pregnant. i peed on the stick. even before i was done peeing on that damn thing, it showed two lines. my heart sank. i had never felt such dread. trapped. scared. what the hell was i going to do? chances are this wasn't my husband's baby. do i tell him? do i tell D? we just met, for christ sake. i took the peed on stick and hid it. i went back to bed and went back to bed.
i think i told D before i told my husband. his reply: Fuck. my thoughts exactly. he never questioned whether it was his. when i told my husband, he was like, "are you sure?" yeah. he said that he mishandled a condom a while back, that must have been what caused it. thank god for that or else it would have been a tough sell.
later that week, i got fired. thank god because i was so fucking tired all of the time. i slept as often as i could. i asked D what he wanted. he told me what i wanted to hear, not what he really wanted. at some point, i pestered him enough for the truth that he said, "let's run away together and you can have my baby. is that what you want to hear?" yeah, kind of. to this day, i wonder what i would have done had it not been so early in our relationship. he played it safe. my husband didn't want it, even though i brought it up several times. the answer was always no. i scheduled the abortion.
one memory i have is laying in bed before going to sleep, thinking this was the first time in my three pregnancies that i wasn't terrified. i was thinking that i should be protecting this tiny life inside of me, not preparing to kill it. i remember whispering, "i'm so sorry." i cried. i didn't want this, but i was in the worst possible position ever. getting rid of the problem was the only resolution i could deal with at the time.
february 22. i went to the clinic with my husband. his heath care covered a sedated termination, which was the only way i was going to get through this. we took the train because he didn't want to drive down there. we waited at the starbucks down the street until my appointment time. i saw some guy throw up in the gutter. great.
i got through it. i had them print out an ultrasound so i could have a picture. my husband doesn't know this. another weird thing was that i started bleeding earlier in the week. i thought that i was having a miscarriage again. so i called my doctor. the strange thing is that things happen really fast when you're having difficulties when you're pregnant. my doctor's office doesn't have a ultrasound machine, so they fit me in at the hospital. that day. i went and got an ultrasound. why? i was going to terminate anyway. why bother? i wanted to cancel my appointment at PP if i was having a miscarriage. but couldn't i wait? anyway, i saw my little 7 week peanut, floating around, heartbeat and all. flicker, flicker, flicker. all was well. and later i found out that little trip to the hospital cost me $250. for no reason.
the day after the procedure, my husband and i went on vacation. it wasn't talked about. it was like i went to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out. at the same time i was pregnant, some friends of ours were also pregnant, as were some friends of my husband's. turns out they both lost their pregnancies. one of his friends was also having health problems. so my husband wrote a song for them about the hard time they were having. them. not me. well, he added me at the end of that list. thanks, dear. that hurt about as much as when he was upset when they lost their pregnancies. what about mine?? the one that was supposedly yours???? the one i COULD HAVE KEPT?? remember that one??
a few months later, he scheduled an appointment for a vasectomy. and he said, "i need your support in this." seriously. what did i do? put a goddamned smile on my face and supported him. but not before i sat him down at a restaurant and told him that i wanted kids. he didn't. he got snipped.
this is the wedge that has been jammed into our marriage.
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